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Creative Arts and Media => Creative Writing => Topic started by: Firox on April 06, 2016, 07:07:56 PM

Title: Nature - I need a more creative title
Post by: Firox on April 06, 2016, 07:07:56 PM

After getting inspired from Proto, HE, and Peg
been attempting to make my own story - it's not related to scifi, more of my main interest - nature, real life.
Still searching for an interesting title.
I'm bad at them
feel free to recommend one
I know the first part isn't too long, hope to make the rest a lot longer

on the story itself:



 -Part 1 – Introduction and Play time -

 
Near a large snow covered mountain, a small den can be seen, inside living are two curious and playful foxes living together. My younger sister slept facing the entrance of the cave, she always seems to love waking up early. On the other paw, I sleep facing the wall, farthest away from the entrance. So when the first rays of sunlight enter the cave it shines on my younger sister's face, waking her up. She lazily says to herself “Morning sun, thanks for waking me”

 
My younger sister now awake. She is ready to play and have a very good time while I'm still asleep, with a mischievous grin will do everything possible to wake me, she boops my nose and noms my ear, pulling my paws trying to get me to wake up.  Kind of half awake and half asleep, I try switching positions, hoping to discourage her from waking me up. It didn't work.

 
I turn sideways, trying to find another position to sleep, she gives me a disappointed look, but she insists on waking me up.
“Get up lazy fox, time to enjoy the day, sun just came out”

 
She keeps insisting, with another mischievous grin, watches my tail slightly twitching and makes her pouncing position – pounces on my tail and start pestering it and playing with it. Pulling my tail side to side, gently biting the fur, rubbing her paws all over my tail messing up the soft fur, doing everything possible to get me to wake up, as I try my best to ignore it, she wins.

 
After a few annoyed minutes, I boop her nose with my tail, letting her know that I'm getting up
I give a quick yawn and let her know “Alright, I'm getting up”
“about time” she replies

 
I start waking up as she runs outside – smiling.
I give myself a good stretch, front paws reaching out as far as possible lowest to the ground, my back paws stretched out tall, foot-claws dig into the ground underneath me, as my tail lazily wags behind me.
She pokes her head in and says “Are you ready? Hurry! Hurry!” while I start smoothing the fur on my tail.

 
My name is Jyotis, just a typical red fox enjoying life and having a good time. Not knowing the long adventure that awaits me.
In the den, I also live with my younger sister, her name is Sherrie, red fox as well. She likes to wear a red bow on her left ear. She found it after a camper forgot it.

 
On the sunny warm day, we followed a path towards the stream, not to far from the den we sleep in. As we both look back towards the snow covered mountain, the sunshine making it shine.

 
Sherrie tells me “That view is just beautiful” she smiles and flicks her tail “I don't ever plan on leaving”
I smile back “neither do I”.

 
We continue walking or for a moment, after a while it turns to quicker walking a little slower than running. A few grass and bushes rustling as we go pass them, we can see birds up high in the air

 
Once we arrive at the small stream near the side of the forest.

 
I turn to my younger sister as I ask “how about a quick swim?”
while my front paws get closer to the ground, back paws straight up, tail in the air slightly wagging from side to side. I make myself slowly in, my front paws enter the water first, before I knew it, Sherrie makes a long run and jumps in from a nearby boulder splashing water all over me, I softly growl, I didn't want to get all wet.  My sister decides to grab me and pull me into the water.  Not much I can do but just enjoy the water.

 
“Jyotis, how about a quick swim downstream” Sherries replies, I nod in agreement
“I'm in, but I will this time” I smirked, pushed her back and start swimming as fast as my paws let me
“Hey! No fair!” she protest, growls
I just smile and laugh continue swimming

 
Noises can be heard from the forest, but they are the normal sounds from the forest. Birds chirping, squirrels chattering, tree branches and leaves shaking with various smaller animals and insects moving around.

 
As both Sherrie and myself make our way downstream, Sherrie still a little behind, decides to slightly cheat by getting back on land running forward ahead of me, takes the moment to pounce on me from the side of the river. I'm not expecting it so I loose my concentration.

 
“I'm ahead” Sherrie laughs
I gargle from the water, I just swim faster trying to get pass her, when I close, she boops the top of my head, then using my shoulder and sides pushes me back a little to make her gain momentum and I have to catch up again.
All I can do is utter a playful growl and swim faster

 
Sherrie managed to win just before the river gets too fast. Just a few trees ahead, is a cabin, old wooden and creepy looking, we stay far from it, all we heard are rumors that a mean person lives there.  Not to far from the cabin, is a much larger river that leads to the ocean.

 
With a large happy expression Sherrie exclaims “we made it!” runs towards the sand and rolls around in it, I smile and start doing the same “Sherrie, wait for me!”. Both of us spend a couple hours relaxing in the sand watching the waves stroll by.  We both drift off to sleep.

 
As we lay by the side of the ocean, back at the cabin where two hunters are they just care about themselves and their own greed. There entire cabin filled with various traps, weapons and tranquilizers.  They start getting their vehicle loaded as they start making their way to the forest.
We would never imagined the painful journey ahead awaiting for Sherrie and myself.
 

Title: Re: Nature - I need a more creative title
Post by: HellEye on April 06, 2016, 07:22:36 PM

I loved the part where you mention squirrels XD
Nice intro. Looking forward to reading more of the story! Seems interesting, has great potential. Keep creating! I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed reading.

Title: Re: Nature - I need a more creative title
Post by: Firox on April 06, 2016, 07:35:02 PM

Thanks there HE

Title: Re: Nature - I need a more creative title
Post by: Pegu on April 06, 2016, 07:41:56 PM

The hunters better not do anything unsavoury with those weapons   :(

Title: Re: Nature - I need a more creative title
Post by: Firox on April 06, 2016, 07:50:38 PM

Never know
haven't decided at the moment

Title: Re: Nature - I need a more creative title
Post by: Proto Triose on April 08, 2016, 03:27:41 AM

Place holder deleted. I love it just as much as I did the first short part you wrote a while ago. Expanding their little outing was something I waited to see, and I wasn't dissapointed! All the description brought their surroundings to life, so we could have fun swimming down the stream with them!

I could feel how close they were, like not just siblings but best friends would be. It's a very nice characterization, and helps to prepare for whatever happens next. Establishing an emotional connection with your characters makes the life or death situations all the more intense, so I'm glad I already worry about what's going to happen.

That connection is a large reason I and others here are worried about the hunters so much. What are they going to do?! You did very well with that - I can tell, because it's not just me that worries.

I think my favorite was his sister splashing him when he was all afraid to go in. Too cute, and it made me laugh - I remember doing that to my sister all the time, and she does it to me now too. It was enough to make me relate to the characters, and that makes it so much better and makes me worry so much more about them. I now see my sister and I playing in the water. Very clever scene!

For my usual line of help that I try to give, the first thing that came to mind at the end was that I would have liked to see more of the ominous hunters cabin. This is doable if you make the hunters actual characters. Your main characters don't have to understand them, but the hunters - as villains - can be characterized in a small scene inside the cabin. Your heroes don't understand them, but your readers will. That gives you an opportunity to describe their cabin, thereby setting up a later scene (if in fact there is one) when the foxes go inside.

Earlier, less tense scene set ups allow you to create the area so you don't have to take away from the action later. If you describe it during the action scene, you break up the heavy running and escaping by having to stop to explain the area. Where, if you set it up early, you can take time and we'll know what they're dealing with and jumping around beforehand. So you can focus entirely on the action.

If that makes sense, anyway. Let's use HE's as an example. An entire scene with the villain or the darkness at their headquarters gives us what the layout is. Then, when his guardians get there, he can have a battle without stopping to say "the large pillar stood in the middle of the arena. Beautiful scrollwork was engraved all along its length, glowing a slight black in color. The pillar stopped the fireball." Since it was set up earlier, he can say "Seth jumped behind the pillar in the middle, using it for cover."

Now, maybe of course they're not going to end up in the cabin at all. But it might be useful for later, if that ever happens in the story. I only picked this pointer because I was intrigued by the hunters and their cabin - which means you achieved what you were going for! So still a major win on your end!

I can't -wait- to read what happens to the poor little ones! Don't keep me on edge too long!

Title: Re: Nature - I need a more creative title
Post by: Firox on April 08, 2016, 05:21:57 AM

Thanks for all the great info and feedback.
Hope to have the next part up by either Friday or Saturday

Title: Re: Nature - I need a more creative title
Post by: Firox on April 09, 2016, 07:43:59 PM

Got the next part ready.
Hope it's not too sad!  ^_^

-------------------------------


 Pt 2 – Hunters 1 – captured

 
As both Sherrie and myself spend our time resting in the sand alongside the ocean. The gentle breeze of the wind, and the slight cool air coming from the ocean. Both Sherrie and myself wrapped up next to each other
The attention is now focused on the hunters and their traps and all of their supplies.

 
The day inside starts off with both hunters getting up and starting breakfast.

 
“André, the food is almost ready, made some eggs and sausages with bacon and toast”
“That sounds fantastic Kyle, we are going to need lots of energy getting all the traps set up”
“Hope the catch for today is good”
“Something rare like bears, foxes, wolves, or cougars will be worth while and bring us large profits”

 
Both Kyle and André eat their breakfast.
André seems to be older, stronger more experienced with hunting, setting traps, beard and facial hair, appears to be in his mid to late 40's strong but slightly on the overweight, while Kyle seems to be a bit unexperienced, and learning, thinner and faster, around mid 20's.

 
“done now Kyle” he shoves the plate into the sink
“I'm going to the jeep and check the traps, make sure the rifle and tranquilizers are ready and fully stacked when your done eating” Kyle says from the distance “if you don't mind”
“I'll get on it André”

 
After 10 minutes have passed, Kyle grabs the keys and checks the various traps in the jeep. In the back, there are at least 3 large animal traps and 10 of the smaller traps, organized by size and and fit so they don't move around much and chained together so they don't fly off. Near them is a cooler filled with various animal baits, nylon ropes, and lots of very sharp hunting knifes, canteens filled with water, André seems to be very prepared.

 
Back in the cabin, looks slightly old but seems to be very well maintained. As soon as someone enters there are mounted large animals near a couch, one is a large brown bear, the other is cougar.  Cabin also seems filled with modern electrics, large screen TV's, cell phones, video surveillance of the cabin, small kitchen and small eating table.

 
By now Kyle has finished eating, washes the plates and sets them away. He gets busy opening the backpack that contains the tranquilizers and checks that all 30 of them are filled to the max. He organizes them so when both grab them, the hunters don't get poked themselves.
“Filled to the top, they are ready”

 
Kyle opens a window to inform André
“all the tranquilizers are ready”
“Excellent, great job”
“Here is the bag with the tranquilizers and the bullets” Kyle passes the backpack to André “I'm going to grab the rifles, be right back”

 
Mean while, Kyle makes his way to the basement. Along the way he passes the two stuffed and mounted animals near the couch, passing a bookcase full of science fiction novels and some magazines featuring hunting, fishing, and guns. Just above the bookcase, are 6 mounted animal heads, 2 deers, an elk, a bobcats, a wolverine, and what looks like a smaller brown bear (a cub maybe)

 
Once he reaches the stairs, it gets much worst in the basement. Kyle turns on the light, and inside are various hand wood-saws some have blood stains on them, fur stained with unknown liquids on them in a large sink, lots of used traps and cages, some seem to have dried blood stains on them. Seems like the scene of a bad nightmare.

 
Kyle reaches up to the wall to grab the four rifles, makes sure the safety lock is on and carries them back up stairs.
“André, rifles ready, let's give them a test shot”
Both of them load bullets in them and test fire at a nearby tree.
“Another bear today or cougar. Maybe we can hunt down a wolf or two, that will look nice in the kitchen”
“Wolves do have good looking fur, or maybe a raccoon or otter will do nice”
“Eagle will also do”
“aren't they protected and illegal to hunt”
“they are, but no will know”
they both laugh in a mischievous way, as André puts the safety lock on the rifles, and sets them in another compartment of the jeep.

 
After spending about 4 hours sleeping next to ocean, on the soft sand, Sherrie and myself start getting up, a quick stretch, and bit a play on the sand, rolling around it, a little pushing and shoving.
“how about some fish for lunch”
“will you be able to catch it?” laughing “last time you almost caught it, but it got away at the last moment”
I lowly growl in a slight embarrassed way “that time you pushed me into the water, won't happen this time, by the way, I been getting better”
“No I didn't, it was just a quick boop on your cute ears, getting better at fishing? I can't wait to see it” she says giggling in a cute way, covering her muzzle with her paws

 
As we make our way up the river, we noticed that two mysterious persons leaving from the cabin, not sure what they use to move, but it does move fast, makes some noise.
Sherrie says “let's go see whats inside”
“it looks kind of dangerous, what if more people are inside”
“we will be careful” Sherries makes herself to one of the windows, the hunters forgot to close it “are you coming in?” Sherries jumps in, and I follow as well.
We stop halfway when Sherrie turns and sees the bear and cougar, she and I think are real first, she goes one way, I go the other trying to find the window, Sherrie finds her way downstairs to the basement.

 
Unknown to us, both André and Kyle have been setting up traps around various parts of the forest. Now they are making their way back to the cabin.
Sherrie gives a startled yelp, I rush down to see what happened
“are you alright?”, Sherrie looks around in slight horror
“this place looks awful, what have these people been doing”
“I don't know, let's get out of here”

 
I go off in one direction Sherrie goes off the other direction, trying to find the way out, as soon as we see the stairs, the front door opens. The hunters have returned. Sherrie starts walking backwards, before I know what happens, I hear Sherrie give out a loud yelp and screams, as a large metal cage traps Sherrie. I was just a few seconds to late to help her

 
“What was that noise” screams André, along with Kyle they both start rushing downstairs.
“Sherrie!” with a worried voice
“quickly, hide Jyotis, they are coming”
“I can't leave you behind” I say with a saddened worried voice
I jump behind another set of cages, staying out of sight, with an evil mischievous grin André says to Kyle
“Look what came to visit, a fox” by now Sherrie makes her way as far back to the cage as she can, her fur bristling, baring her teeth, claws ready to bite or scratch if she has to
“Kyle, let's take her to Andrews and see how much fox fur is worth” they both laugh. I'm still watching from behind a few boxes and a trap.  I saw as both of them put something on their hands, grab the cage where Sherrie is in take her upstairs. I follow as silently as I possibly can. They put Sherrie in the back of the vehicle.

 
“Secure the cage to the side of the jeep, don't want it moving too much” says André
I think to myself 'a jeep, so that's what that thing is called' -  I see both persons move to the front of the jeep, get inside and start turning on the engine, I make a fast dash and I jump on the back of the jeep, I search and find under a large blanket the cage where Sherrie is being held.
“Sherrie! Sherrie! Wake Up, it's me, Jyotis” I whisper
“I'll try to get you out, one way or another”
She looks very worried and scared “wha... what will... happen to me” she gives me the sad look “I'm... scared”, as I tear up

 
Just hearing the sadness in her voice, I make every desperate attempt to get Sherrie out. I try clawing at the metal bars, I try biting the metal bars it's too tight, nothing budges. Teeth and claws are useless on metal locks. I slightly loose my balance when the jeep suddenly starts moving, I make my way back to the cage and try to keep opening the cage.

 
The jeep start picking up speed, and I start loosing my grip on the bar. After a couple miles, I loose my balance, and grip on the cage. My head hits hard the side of the jeep, other loose items hit me as well. I try not to yelp as to not attract the attention of the people, I'm still slightly aching from hitting my head on the side of the jeep.

 
To my horror, the vehicle makes a sudden hard turn left I loose my balance all together and end up falling out
“Sherriieeeee” I mean managed to scream out before my head hits the side of a tree, and I pass out.

 

 
 

Title: Re: Nature - I need a more creative title
Post by: HellEye on April 09, 2016, 07:56:53 PM

I liked it, the story seems to be picking up nicely. They look cute together on the beach, talking.

From the technical side, the dialogues could be a bit better. I mean, you keep repeating "I say", "she says" etc. When there are only two characters talking it's easy to keep track of which one is currently speaking, so there's no reason to put it in all the time. And when there's more characters at one, you should try some other names for the characters. Sherrie, my sister, she, some situational names too, like the trapped fox for example. Try switching it around a bit, it makes reading a bit more fluent. I'm no Proto though, he'll tell you better when he gets here :)

Title: Re: Nature - I need a more creative title
Post by: Firox on April 09, 2016, 08:01:39 PM

I'll try editing some pparts, see how well it works

Title: Re: Nature - I need a more creative title
Post by: Proto Triose on April 12, 2016, 07:50:15 PM

Another fantastic piece of the story, Firox! I don't know if you can see it, but I certainly can, how much better your work has gotten. The smallest tweaks can make all the difference, and I'm glad you're still at it! Too often people get discouraged, but I'm glad you didn't.

That whole end scene, since you set up the layout, was a lot more flawless and quick. I got to see what they were dealing with before the capture, so you didn't have to stop and add it all. I'm glad the last tip worked out well. And that last scene, such a heart breaker! I really feared for them. I really was horrified by the hunters and what they were doing!

And bravo on giving us the interior from their perspective; I loved that they thought the stuffed predators were real, and your description was great - picturing them backing off and ready to run or attack was just fantastic.

You do really, really well with intense fight or flight scenes. Jyotis getting in the jeep and trying to save her, the turns and hitting him with the cages, bouncing him out. That was a really touching and scary scene. Those can be difficult to do just right, to tug the right emotions at the right time. You did it perfectly!

I can't wait for the next part so I can see what happened to them!

Now the couple tips for refining, things to think about while you write it all down and get that imagination on paper and into our heads. HE is learning the ropes, too - HE, don't sell yourself short, those are exactly the kind of helpful tips people need! I think I got around to it after Firox made a few changes, because it read a lot more fluently. Not focusing on irrelevant things like grammar and style are the most helpful tips, and for Firox it shows for my read through.

Since you started describing the scene, I'll leave the same type of tip I gave HE for one of them. And this is just something I've learned to incorporate in my own writing; a lot of authors these days do it, so it's not necessarily something you need to do. I can see it being a stylistic approach, so I'm iffy on leaving it here. For describing the scene, when I'm reading something, if the writer is just giving me point by point of how it looks I tend to get bored and read through the description without actually visualizing it.

The best way to keep people's attention and really draw the picture is to "Show, don't tell." Have your characters - the hunters, in this case - actually do something with the scenery. It can be as small as standing proudly in front of a stuffed bear he had managed to kill, or even have him grab the gun off a wolf's head (*shudder at the thought*) that he draped it over. Things like that. While they interact, I'm forced to see "Oh, there's a poor wolf's head hanging on the wall." But I'm not just told it's there. I don't know how else to explain, but facts that are just told are recorded in our mind the same way school is - simple facts that we file away and forget about if they're not used. Making the scenery actually utilized makes it more memorable, if that makes sense. You used it, so it will stick in my head better.

One last that might help - A lot of the characterization, at least of the hunters, was performed through their talking. The scene drove home that these are evil guys that don't necessarily need to be dead, but they don't need to be alive anymore. Add a layer frosting to it to make it the whole nasty cake. It's kind of a combination of letting the characters play and showing their personality through what they say.

For example, they can tease the fox in the cage. Sadistic guys like this might tap on the bars, leaning close to terrify her more. Have who they are in their speaking: "We've got a special client that might be interested in you. Or rather," he blew cigar smoke into Sherrie's cage, wreathing her in acrid smoke. "The fur we'll have to separate you from."

Not those exact words, by any means. But there he's taunting her specifically, and hopefully you hate him more for it. You already did a -wonderful- job making me hate them, but I think it would really drive the last nail home in their tiny disgusting coffins if I hated them for what they were currently doing, as well as their past actions.

I don't know if that helps in any way. I did notice you did that at quite a few parts - her scared speaking, him hearing the sadness in her voice. Right there you did exactly what I was talking about (albeit in a different way) with the hunters. Just have the same type of thing go into the hunters! This is the hardest part, and the scariest for a writer - when you have a truly evil character, it's almost painful to do, but put yourself in their shoes. Be sadistic. Be evil. If you were these dark, horrifying hunters, what would -you- do? Any good writer has a form of Multiple Personality Disorder because you repeatedly become all of your characters as you write them. :)

Sitting excitedly for part three! I can't wait to see what Jyotis does, how Sherrie is feeling, this new buyer of illegal furs and what he's like. This is a very exciting time to be around on the writing section. You're doing such amazing work. I'll be here, and I know you won't disappoint - you never do!

Title: Re: Nature - I need a more creative title
Post by: Firox on April 13, 2016, 03:53:34 AM

Got it Proto, I'll reread all the advice - have it saved as well for easy reference
I should have the 3rd part up by Thursday earliest

Title: Re: Nature - I need a more creative title
Post by: Firox on April 18, 2016, 04:20:46 AM

I had hoped on finishing by Thursday, got delayed for couple reasons finally have it complete, the 3rd part.


 - Pt 3 – Meeting Others –

 
“what is it?”
“I don't know”
“it kind of looks like a small wolf, but more red furred”
“it looks small for a wolf, maybe it's a wolf pup”
“maybe Millie knows, lets take it to him”
“what kind of animal is it”
I'm still passed out, but unknown to me, a group of wolves pick me and take me to their den, the largest of them carries me on her back, two others make sure that I don't fall off.  As soon as they arrive with the rest of the pack, they set me on top of a rock, sprinkle water on my forehead.
“Millie, I think we found a hurt wolf”
“you brought him here?”
“it looks strange for wolf”
“maybe you can tell us what it is”
“yeah, we never seen him before, at least it's fur looks cute”

 
A couple hours later, with my head still aching, my eyes start to slowly open, I hear lots of strange voices, none of them sounded like Sherrie. I'm still very worried about her
“Sh..eerri... ow my head” I lay down where ever I am still rubbing the side of my head
“Marrie! Dad! It's waking up! Hurry up, come take a look”
I thought for a moment that my sister's name was mentioned. Next thing I know, various paws are tapping me on my ears, my paws, my belly, my tail – not the 'I'm going to eat you' kind of way, more of 'let's play' kind of way, I hear a voice similar to Sherrie's, but it's different, I can tell it's not her
“Do you need some water?” that one strange voice asks me, and I managed to say “yes, please”
I feel one of their paws gently open my muzzle and another pour some water into me, I reply with a “thank you”

 
After a few moments, I open my eyes, I'm expecting to see Sherrie, to my sadness all I see is a wolf, at this point I can't tell if it's going to eat me or not. All I know is that it's approaching me with teeth, I turn my head expecting the worst, instead it licks the side of my head, I open my eyes and realized that she isn't going to me, instead it she responds in a different way
“Hai there cute fur, my name is Fiona, what may your name be?”
“I'm.... Jyotis”
“Jyotis, what kind of wolf are you? You look cute”
“Wolf? Sorry, I'm not a wolf, I'm a fox”
Fiona turns around and shouts at another wolf, while her tail wags right in front me, many times booping my nose, by now my own tail starts to gently move, as another of the wolves starts playing with it
“Dad! Dad! He's up”
a much larger wolf comes out, looks like the alpha “hello there, I hope your fine”
I rub my head once more, still aching “I'm going to be fine.... where is Sherrie?”
“who's Sherrie?”
“my younger sister” I slowly start getting tears in my eyes
“what's the matter, you look sad?”
“I'm trying to find my sister”
“Sorry to hear that, if you don't mind and isn't too painful to remember, what happened to her”
I look carefully into Fiona's eyes, nod by now the rest of the pack is around me, hearing carefully, I let them know what happened, shedding a few tears along the way, and I also let them know that I plan on finding her one way or another.
“before you go, can you say hi to the rest of my family”
I nod in agreement
“the older wolf is the alpha of the pack, my father his name is Millington, we call him Millie for short” continues pointing to the rest of the wolves
“those two on the left are Rohan and Tesfa they are my older brothers”
Now turns her attention to the other 4 wolves near me
“the oldest over there on the left” the one playing with my left ear “her name is Marrie, she really likes plants and nature, loves the rain and is very careful with flowers” looking at the one rubbing the back of my head, and I look up and briefly see the other wolf
“her name is Amy, she loves learning all about different animals and plants and loves helping Marrie with the flowers” no focusing her attention to the younger wolfs “the one playing with your paw, her name is Linette, she is very young and playful, she is passed the pup age, but not yet an adult, and the other wolf playing with your tail, her name is Ginelle, shes also slightly younger, they both love playing, and finally there is myself, as I let you know earlier my name is Fiona or Fi for short, I love helping out and also enjoy learning about animals and I will try to make others smile”
I smile as I look at Linette playing with my paw and Ginelle still playing with my tail, I flick it a few times while her paw tries to catch it.
I smile at everyone and I wipe away few tears from my eyes, managed to smile and reply to Fiona “everyone is very nice, nice to meet everyone, I wanted to thank everyone for helping me, and hearing me out. I guess it's time for me to start finding my sister”

 
Ginelle plays with my tail a bit longer, and now Linette joins in “it's soft, colorful, and cute” smiled and laughed as Ginelle paws the white tip a few more times before gently biting it. Tesfa comes over to me and gives me nice portion of food “before you go my father gives you some food for energy and for good luck, if you ever do find your sister, make sure you come visit us” with a smile I thank them and happily eat the food. Meanwhile Fiona talks with her father, she wants to join me in searching.

 
Just as I finished eating the gift meal, it's time for me to depart, Linette and Ginelle had a long fun time playing with my tail, and I made it fun for them
“Thank you all, have a good time, I will remember to come visit” just as I'm getting ready to leave, Fiona approaches me
“Jyo, really like the way you described your sister and how finding means a lot to you, and if you don't mind, I would love to help you find her, and along the way I will also learn a lot about foxes, may I go along with you?”
I wasn't expecting it, I nod in agreement as I reply to her
“Thanks so much, I would love some company, wouldn't your pack miss you?”
“Don't worry, I already spoke with my father earlier, he agreed”
Just then Millie comes out and asks me as well “have you decided on Fiona's decision for her to travel alongside with you”
I nod happily “sure, it's fine with me”
Fiona jumps around happily “thanks so much Jyo! It will be so much fun, can't wait to see the rest of the forest and other places”

 
Just before leaving, I describe my home, none of it seem familiar to them, but they do remember the large river I described.

 
Meanwhile, heading back to the hunter's destination, just north of a small nearby town, they arrive with Andrews the expert taxidermist . Meanwhile Kyle waits in the jeep while André.
“Hello there Mr. André, what brings you to my Taxidermist shop?”
“I bring over a beautiful specimen, a fox”
By now Sherrie still terrified, back fur all ruffled up
“How much will it cost?”
“It could easily go into the thousands, you could sell it for more in the black market”
“Like those odds”
“shall we take a look at the fox?”
Both men reach the back of the jeep, André opens the back and presents the cage to Andrews
“This is my younger brother and assistant Kyle”
“Hello there Mr. Andrews”
“Hello Kyle, Oh, I see, you got yourself a vixen, a female fox, and a healthy one too”
By now Sherrie is hissing in anger, baring her teeth ready to bite or claw if possible
“André, I have a busy schedule, can you bring her in 5 days, meanwhile make sure she stays alive and healthy”
“Will do Mr. Andrews, pleasure doing business with you”
With that André and Kyle drive back, along the way, André what their plan is.

 
Now panning away from the smaller town, the jeep driving away from a building up north, takes the road off to the left of the town, and starts heading back south, passing large forested areas for a couple miles. Sherrie still in her defensive position her fur still bristled up, fangs and teeth bearing, her fur all up, and her tail still between her legs and fur all bristled out, the two man can still be heard laughing, to Sherrie they sound like evil laughter.

 
By now both Fiona and myself walking in the direction of the sound of a smaller river, to the side is another smaller river, meanwhile Fiona keeps asking curious questions about Sherrie and why she is important for me in finding, I don't mind answering. An eagle above us couldn't help but overhear that we are looking for a larger river, and decides to introduced itself
“Hello there you two, I'm sorry to interfere with your conversation but I hear that you are looking for a larger river, is that right”
“No problem at all, yes, looking for it”
“let me fly up and take a look”
Eagle flies up and takes a look, then it comes down to where we are
“it's kind of a long walk from where you two are”
“thank you so much, I'm name is Jyotis, or Jyo for short”
“Nice to meet you there, my name is Fiona, helping my friend Jyo find his sister”
“that's so nice of you, my name is Niko, I'm looking for an adventure to pass the time”
“If you like to come along with us”
“I would love to, if you don't mind”
As the eagle joins up with us, I inform all about my sister to Niko, during the entire time the eagle has been resting on my shoulders

 
As we walk along, I hear a familiar sound, I heard it before, the jeep, the one that is carrying Sherrie, I rush over to where the sound is as both Fiona and Niko follow along – sadly for me, the jeep is too far away and too fast moving for me to keep up, so Niko volunteers to follow it, as both Fiona and myself find a nearby cave, we inform Niko that we will wait inside.

 
“Well Jyo, let's go inside and wait”
I nod in agreement “seems like a good place, big and dark”
Fiona stops for a moment “got a bad feeling”
I stop to look at her “what do you mean”
Just then I feel my paws step on something soft and warm
“that's strange?”
suddenly what ever it was is pulled from under me, making me loose balance, next thing I know, I'm staring into the eyes of a very large animal, it's much bigger than me, and makes a large angered growl at me, my heart beats faster, I'm scared to move not sure what it is, Fiona approaches at the sound of the growl but is also kind of small to attack back. With rocks behind me, Fiona too small to fight back, and large angry teeth and eyes staring at me.

 
I start breathing faster as my eyes start to tear up, I had hoped on seeing Sherrie once more before dying. I cover my eyes with my paws and hope the end comes soon.

 

Title: Re: Nature - I need a more creative title
Post by: Firox on April 26, 2016, 06:56:39 AM

Hai all who are reading and wonder where part 4 is.

Sort of have it "on hold" I should have it ready no later than next Saturday - May 7th.
Been working on an art trade, busy work sort of slowed ne down.

Title: Re: Nature - I need a more creative title
Post by: Ibi Tanvaal on April 28, 2016, 06:16:13 AM

I'm quite looking forward to seeing more chapters. Good story so far!

Title: Re: Nature - I need a more creative title
Post by: Firox on May 08, 2016, 05:00:45 AM

Hai, sorry to disappoint a little today (7th) - might be delayed another 2 or 3 days. Had unexpected family from out of state visit - work in the late evenings.  I'm about 1/3rd finished.

Hope to have the 4th part finished by the 11th.
Sorry if I'm late, this part has been longer, not because it's difficult to write, but too much distraction. Family mainly -I mentioned unexpected family visit with no warming of them coming, no time to prepare - my mom only let me know 5 minutes before they arrived.

By now I'm halfway finished. Sadly I forgot to save before restarting laptop, so lost quite a bit  :(

Title: Re: Nature - I need a more creative title
Post by: Firox on May 22, 2016, 05:46:28 AM

I know I'm delayed, to not keep waiting, here's what I do have for the moment, will add more once it's finished. Along the way I may add more to the part I already wrote. By now I don't have a specific time of finishing

Pt 4 – Hunters 2 – Rescue Sherrie

 
“Don't feel sad, just a quick apology will do”
I'm still kind of in shock to move, still tearing up, all of sudden something soft, warm, and kind of rough starts clearing the tears from my eyes. Somehow those licks felt comforting.
“Sorry if I scared you, wasn't my intention, I'm just trying to make some new friends, been kind of lonely” it replies.
By now Fiona comes out of hiding, curious on what the other creature could be, still standing in a dark part of the cave.
“My name is Chavel” as the mysterious creature for us steps out the shadows, a strong but younger looking cougar comes out. Although I'm slightly worried, I can still feel my heart beating a little fast, I finally get some courage and start getting up.
“H..hey..th..th...there”
“Don't be worried there Jyo” Fiona mentions with a giggle and goes outside the cave to wait for the eagle.
The big cat just looks at me slightly worried “don't worry there fox, not going to eat you, for now welcome to my temporary home, still searching for one” it turns around to smooth the fur on it's tail
By now I finally stand up from where I was laying on the floor, I look over at Chavel and finally proceed to ask it “earlier you said 'a simple apology' would do, not sure what I did”
It looks at me with a friendly smile, still smoothing the fur on it's tail and replies “you stepped on my tail”
“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to”
“It's fine, I know you didn't mean to, the cave is kind of dark” it replies with a small chuckle. From there the large feline asks me what I'm doing, and I proceed to explain to it that I'm on the search for my younger sister. The Larger feline gets interested in the journey, and volunteers to help as well.