The Furry Forums
Creative Arts and Media => Creative Writing => Topic started by: HellEye on March 30, 2016, 05:29:43 PM
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After some technical difficulties it's here hopefully!
So umm... Hello! I never did this kind of thing, but I got bored and inspired. Bored because the RP about this school we have started is going slow due to timezone madness and inspired by the said RP starting at all and by my new friend Pegulsus' story he posted on yesterday. Thanks Pegu, wouldn't have written this without you showing me it's not that hard :)
Please let me know what you think, what you like, what you dislike. Also, I'm not a native speaker, so feel free to point out and/or correct any mistakes I made in here.
Enjoy!
Part I - Awakening
The rain started falling from the sky. The streets were empty, mages made sure to inform all the citizens about the weather schedule for this week. The farmers from around the city were asking for rain since two weeks ago. The summer was very dry this year. Inside the college building mages were concentrating on the task, keeping the water flowing from the sky.
Yet there were more pressing matters for the archmage and the circle. A new source has been found. The college has been collecting them since its foundation almost eight hundred years ago, storing them away so that no evil can corrupt them. This one is a fire source, Tiberius is sure about it. The other members of the circle trust his judgement, as the fire guardian he feels his element like no-one else.
In the hall of the elements all six guardians and the archmage are standing in a circle. All of them are sharing their power between each other, trying to find the location of the source. It creates a big disturbance in the magic field that surrounds and penetrates the world, but the radius of it's influence is still small when comparing it to the size of the world. All seven animals are now projecting their spirits in different places of the world, looking for the artefact.
-It's here, I found it - says the earth guardian, Dharma Thickscale. Her eyes slowly open, revealing reptilian elliptical pupils - It's far away, I doubt we will be able to transport more than three of us there. - She looks at the archmage, waiting for his decision. The old gray wolf slowly nods:
- Dharma will go as a guide, Tiberius will be there to control the source. In case of accidents Seth should be there to stop the fire. Good luck, Guardians! Come back safely.
Seth the Wild, Dharma Thickscale and Tiberius Stormkeeper stepped into the middle of the circle without a word. Energy previously flowing around it now concentrated into a cylinder. Guardians enter it and slowly fade away, draining the magic from the cylinder.
Little did they know, this time it won't be a go in and go out situation, for the shadows are now awake and after something more powerful than a mere source, a sphere of condensed elemental magic. They seek an artifact powerful enough to destroy the balance of the elements and rain chaos upon all races. They just need the sources to power it, and this is the first one that appeared since they awakened.
I guess that's it for now. Leave any sort of feedback, positive and negative, and remember, it was written for fun. Hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing.
Part Two in one or two days hopefully!
Sorry for the leftover bbcode, should've done a preview :(
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A very descriptive start, I like it. ^_^ I feel you've set the stage quite nicely here, Hell' :) Also, very well done considering English isn't your first language.
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I'm inclined to agree with Peg on all points - considering English isn't your first language, you write it a lot better than most of the people out here. Im sure you've seen the nuclear wasteland that is Facebook *shudders* I love the idea, too. Whenever it's a school for magic, I always have a part of me that worries it's a Harry Potter duplicate. This absolutely wasn't, and I was extremely happy to see that!
When it deals with magic, a lot of people also don't put limits to their characters or their power. The fact that you included that it's a finite resource - extremely powerful, but can only handle so much - is refreshing. I feel it makes the story and the characters more relatable. Too powerful and never ending is the Superman Syndrome. He's dull and boring because he's all powerful. Nobody can relate to that. Very happy to see the part that they could only transfer three.
Here's the part where I can help make it longer. Now, this by no means -needs- to be done, if you don't want to. How you have it isn't bad at all. But if you want to, then you can. It's something very simple that you can use, and always adds pages if not entire chapters. "Show, don't tell." It's a common thing people do, just inform the reader. Twilight is a prime example of this. Stephanie Meyer has a tendency through the whole book to -tell- you that Edward is a perfect specimen of a man, but she never shows that, she just tells you and expects it to be so.
So the last paragraph, if you want to, can be turned into a whole scene. When they get there, something is wrong. It doesn't feel like it normally does. Maybe shadows are waiting for them, and they catch glimpses while on the way to retrieve the element. Then they're attached by the shadows. Or they can find remnants of the shadows being there, maybe they took the element and the three of them need to get it back before it goes too far? So they have to infiltrate, retrieve it. Which opens up the question of why they took it, why are the shadows back?
Again, just something to get the ideas flowing if you want to flesh it out some. I don't know why you were discouraged to write, this is very good! I'll be excitedly looking for the next post along with Peg's story! :D
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I don't know why I was hesitant either. Thanks for the complements, both of you. I do have quite a bit more ready, won't post it from the tablet though, I already broke the formatting on this one once on the pc. Will have it up tomorrow.
Boy when it starts to flow you can't stop it. I might've found a new hobby :3
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I guess it's time for part two then! I had to cut it in an awkward place because it was getting lengthy. Will make you want more I hope! Enjoy!
Part II - Encounter
Hot, dry air hits the faces of the Guardians as soon as the Hall of Elements disappeared. Then comes the scent of sulphur, known to Tiberius. He feels the energy of fire well before he properly teleports to the volcano. Then comes another feeling. It overwhelms even the power that the boiling rocks emit.
Weakness.
Fear.
He never felt that way. Maybe to some degree, but now it was much stronger. He couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe. Then it disappears. He now stands near a whirling cylinder of magic, their way home.
-Did you just feel something? - He asks worried about his ability to perform the task, then a paw lands on his mouth, silencing them. The white fox then slowly points down the slope. Dharma follows with her lizardy eyes. Now they all see (or maybe just feel) it, even through the clouds. Something they have only read about, until now.
The darkness.
Not a creative name for it, but a descriptive one. It’s not something you can describe. In many tales it’s a being, chasing it’s prey. In myths it appears as thick, black smoke. The mages knew that those were mere deceptions, created to break one’s will. In reality the real darkness was just that. Darkness. A shadow crawling on the ground and walls. Not a normal shadow that is cast by animals or houses. It was literary the lack of light. A black blot of ink, constantly moving forward, consuming the grass it gets on, leaving behind plain soil.
-We have to move. Now. - Commands Seth. - Where is it Dharma?
The alligator comes to her senses in two seconds that feel like eternity. A long second after Tiberius wakes up too. The Earth Guardian starts walking into the middle of the volcano. Her companions follow her. Without a word they form a bond of magical power between each other. Alligator and wolf concentrate and lava - a mixture of their elements - flows to the sides. Then it cools down and solidifies when the albino fox raises his paws. They walk through the lake of flames towards the middle of the crater.
Tiberius feels the presence of the source stronger and stronger. He can’t locate it, but he knows it’s close. After a short time the other Guardians feel it too. It finally appears, a swirling red ball of power. Stormkeeper pulls out a small ruby, places it underneath it and concentrates. The gem floats up and shatters, forming a cloud of sparkles. They form a sphere around the Source. It starts to spin, slowly becoming less sparky and more opaque.
Fire Guardian slowly opens his eyes, steps forward and grabs the protective case with the Source inside. The group turns around, but what they see is not pleasant. Black ink is now starting to spill over the peak of the volcano. Their way out is cut off. Always calm Seth grabs a small cylinder shaped item out of his pouch and looks at it.
-Do it. We can’t let that thing inside the school, even if it would cost us lives - says Dharma.
He throws it, then pushes it gently with a blow of wind. It lands in the cylinder. The magic starts to fade and disappears completely right before the Darkness touches it. It slows for a bit, clearly thinking (Can it think) of a new plan, then starts to go towards the lava lake the guardians are in. If not school, it at least wants the Source.
Google Drive is bad for this, I have to put in all the enters again... It should be fine though, hope you like it. How's the length? Shorter, longer, about right? It looks longer in the document I'm writing it in, this was a bit longer than one page.
Next one tomorrow I hope :)
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Oooh, I like it. Again, doing well with your English - Most English people can't speak that well! (seriously, I've heard a bunch in Chatham town centre, it's awful.)
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Very much looking forward to the next part. You guys are the reason I keep writing. It's very inspiring and driving to see other people's work. I really look forward to more about the Source. What does it do? Why are they after it? Does it augment other sources? Very good, leaving questions unanswered while answering some. Definitely keeps interest piqued.
I very much liked the description of capturing the source; I could see it like a movie, and in the end that's the very thing you're going for. That they sacrificed themselves (we're forced at this point to assume) and the source they just collected to save the school shows both their dedication and how important the school is. I don't know if that was intentional, but it was very well done.
As for length, the more important question (and I think I told this to Pegu) is if you're satisfied with it, as the author. Did you say and/or describe everything you wanted to, or did you force it to end before the scene was ready because it was feeling long? I know I've been tempted to do that when chapters reach 20 pages. But if you haven't said and done everything a scene requires, don't end it. I've also had two page chapters because that's all I needed.
So really, I'm your reader - I'm going to read and enjoy what you give me. Are -you- satisfied with the length? Because that's what matters. You're the story teller. :) But yes, I enjoyed the whole thing, if that answers it in a different way. :D
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Well, here's the next part, went a little longer with it as Proto said. If I knew better the beginning would be in the second part probably, wasn't sure about the lengths then. Some epic wizardy stuff at the beginning, then just some story, some talks and some explanations.
Fun side note, found "remove editing" button, It's the best!
Enjoy!
Part III - Finding exits.
The air around the Mages started to get more and more damp. Seth's white fur starts turning silver. Dharma and Tiberius stand shocked, seeing an immense magical aura around the fox. He turns to them, smiles (which is even more shocking than his power) and says.
-You might want to hold your breath.
The moisture in the air suddenly condenses. Both unprepared guardians fall as the water starts filling the entire crater at once. The hiss of lava can only be heard for a split second, then their ears get filled with liquid. Seth starts swimming up first, Dharma follows right after. She pulls Tiberius’ robe and he starts to swim as well. Just as they get above the surface of now a flat rock, the gravity wins with water as it starts to flow to the other parts of the volcano. Not stopping to admire the lake that is forming, the Guardians run toward the side not covered in Darkness. As they get to the edge three flat boulders rise from the ground, clearly the alligator's work. They jump on them and start sliding down the hill.
The evil sensations come back, but they know how to fight them now. As they are approaching the bottom of the volcano Seth starts to feel weak. The rocks stop on the ground and he falls off of his, tumbling on the grass. Tiberius pounces toward him, picking him up.
-Seth, can you hear me? Wake up, we have to go. - Seth blinks a couple of times. -Can you walk?
-I don't know, help me out a bit would you?
The wolf holds the fox with his arm, three Guardians start walking away from the volcano.
The Darkness stays in the crater, watching (can it watch?) the animals getting away. Then it lets out a sound. It couldn't be described, but will be remembered by anyone who heard it. A deep growl-like sound. It gives an uneasy feeling. Then the ink starts to turn around, flowing the same path it followed on its way there.
The guardians walk until dusk. Dharma knows that at this pace it will take them at least two months to go back to the school. And double that time to create a new portal in the middle of nowhere, with only the three of them to power it and nothing to channel the energy through. Two months. They don't have that much time. The Mages have to know about the danger as soon as possible. She thinks of other ways. Speaking stone? They have to be physically linked. Controlling a wild bird to send a message? The spell will fade off before it gets to the school.
She then recalled something. When looking for the Source she saw a place with an unusual magical signature. Could it be… she wasn't sure, most of them were destroyed in an accident a long time ago. Most, not all. One of them is in the possession of school, that's certain. She studied it for some time, not having the map of others remaining it couldn't be of use. It's on the way to the school, they will have to move next to it.
They made a camp. The alligator picked berries for food, the wolf made a fire and the fox gave them water to drink. They could all to this, it's a low level of magic known to all students, yet they were used to their elements too much. After spending years in the circle they know their roles. Trusting each other on every action, helping others, sharing energy. The last part is the hardest. It takes some of the Mages decades to create a bond with another being. The Guardians had a month to develop the skill, and then create six bonds at once when needed. It requires both sides of the bond to synchronize every action they make during the forming. Every step, every breath, every heartbeat. And they can do it in the heat of battle now. That's why they're the Guardians.
The night is long and cold. They take turns watching for threats, none show up. In the morning Seth looks a lot better than after casting the spell earlier. Neither Dharma nor Tiberius ask him about it. But they are thinking. Controlling the water, while hard in some situations is one thing. Creating water though… It required a lot of power and a very complicated formula to change air into water. They can't imagine it even on a small scale, and Seth created an entire lake.
For now, they have to get to the school. Seth's powers won't weaken. The Darkness will however grow in strength.
Dharma starts leading the way again. After another day of walk with minimal breaks they all begin to feel a magical field. Only the earth Guardian knows what this is. They enter a clearing and see a hut. Just a normal wooden house except for a giant obelisk standing in a close proximity. Now they all know how to get back.
A Waystone.
-Is it still working? - asks Tiberius.
-It should be. Can't you feel it? - Seth steps forward - We have to find the keeper, without him we won't go too far anyway.
The Guardians go to the front door and knock on it. The door opens, no-one is behind it though. The animals enter the room and notice a white creature. It's about 1.2 meters high, has large ears and a pair of ant like feelers. It sits on a couch and looks at the newcomers. A tree spirit, rare sight outside of their home. Without word he shows another couch. Guardians sit on it, Tiberius says:
-We’re looking for the keeper.
-You found him then - answers the spirit.
-Does the Waystone still work? We have to get to Marquise Dagma’s school as fast as we can.
-It both does and doesn't - answers the spirit mysteriously. - The focusing stones have withered with time. I'm neither a stonemason nor a mage. But the Waystone itself should work. It either needs a lot of power or a new set of stones.
-Can I see them? - asked Dharma.
-There are eight around the clearing. Come, I'll show you.
-One more thing: -says the wolf - What is your name?
- I'm Narderan - says the keeper as he gets up, getting ready to leave.
It does look lengthy, but it was both a good place to start and to end. Tell me: more or less magic theory? I enjoy coming up with how things work, I don't know if you want to read it though (I'm talking about the magical bonds here). Please don't tell me I should write what I want Proto, If it was a book I would, it's a stupid little story for a forum, I'll enjoy it either way, I want you to enjoy it too though! More explanations about all the stuff like the Source and the Darkness will come when the action goes back to the School. Not gonna write anything else here, you spent way much time reading it anyway. Love you all! See you tomorrow!
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*Squeeeee* A fellow treeborn :D
Things are picking up - and I like the way it's going ^_^
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Very much agreed. I love the direction it's taking. I see a whole new adventure for them just getting the repairs done to the way stone! And this, I actually planned on saying something more. ;) You've got the length you like down, and the question of explaining magic more is one that directly effects the reader, not just a personal touch.
I think you absolutely should explain more of the magic! How you do it is up to you, but a personal note on writing to help with that. You're correct when you worry that it will get boring. Spewing facts and how things work can get very tedious. But it doesn't have to be. I'll use an example of my own. When Aria and Ames are playing with the panel for Control Center Four, I explain the inner diagram of the world by having them accidentally turn on flood lights that illuminate the gears and machinery that compromise the core of the planet. Follow that up with Ames touching a glowing blue dot and sliding it downward in one of four sectioned off maps. They don't know what it does, but later in book one Aria notices that the Fall-Winter sector has moved to the south from where it used to be.
Using characters and scenarios to actually -perform- the action helps to cement and explain how it works in a much more entertaining fashion, and helps the idea stick better. In that example, you see Ames move something, then are shown a result of said action.
I hope that all makes sense. I would adore to hear more of your magic and how it works. When you use that, there's nothing wrong with stopping to explain it either before or after the action, but remember to have it fit in with your story where they can perform it in a way that blends into them doing it. That way, it's explained, then I can see it work. Even if it's as small as lighting a fire.
Can't wait to see more of the tree spirit; he intrigues me quite a bit. This is far from a dumb little story - it's very well thought out and has attention and care put in to it. Every work is a thing of value - how do you think they made a little poem about a girl who pretends to be a man in an army into an hour and a half long movie called Mulan? ;)
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Okay then, some more stuff! A bit longer again, but I hope it's good.
Enjoy!
Part IV - The return
The group first goes north, to the edge of the clearing. Right before the forest shows its presence lays a stone, about a meter high, shaped like a cylinder. It is clearly old, moss growing all over it only slightly hides different parts of the rock that fallen off. Narderan cleans the stone, revealing runes written on it.
- Do you think you can recreate it? - he asks, but Dharma is already concentrating. The ground shakes and a rock rises from the grass. It breaks off and starts to float. Seth helps her by removing the focusing stone, making space for a new one. He then dries off the moss and washes the old relic, revealing all of the runes. The new focus gets placed in the same spot the old one was. Minor cracking sounds can be heard coming from the inside of the irregular boulder. The alligator is focusing even more, rising her claws and getting closer to the stone. The cracking intensifies. Then the earth guardian stops and smiles.
- It's ready.
- Emm… it still looks like a big rock… - Says Tiberius.
- It does on the outside. - She raised her claw again and makes it into a fist. The boulder turns into dust. When the cloud of sand falls down it reveals a smooth replica of the old cylinder, with runes carved on its surface. Some places are not inscribed. The keeper gets a small stone lying around and writes the remaining runes, then Dharma makes the marked bits fall out like they were never connected to the stone.
- One or two of the stones might be in a good enough shape. You will have to do that with the rest of them if you want to use the waystone.
- It shouldn't be a problem, this one took me a while because I had to learn the structure of the rock here, made a couple of versions of it before I was sure I will be able to replicate the shape. Shouldn't take more than a minute for the other…
She stops and shivers. The other mages feel that too, and the keeper will in fifteen minutes at most.
- It has found us. - whispers Tiberius. - other stones, now! - he commands.
- What's going on? - ask the keeper but he starts walking to the second one.
- We have to escape now, Dark forces are getting close.
The spirit’s face gets serious as he speeds up. Even without any idea about what Dark forces are, they sound bad and he doesn't want to be involved in anything that has to do with them.
Dharma completes the second stone much faster than the first, skipping the big reveal. They run to the next one, and then the next one. After 12 minutes they're done with 5 of the stones and the Keeper decided that one of the old focuses is still in shape. As they’re walking to the seventh stone he starts to think about his life here, peaceful until now. Since the waystone accident 43 years ago no travelers have been here, he wasn't needed anymore. And he won't be needed anymore after. Nobody will need him. Nobody will love him. The life is pointless.
A paw lands on his shoulder. He sees Seth's face.
- It's the Darkness. Don't think, just do. Then you'll be okay.
The final two focuses are done even faster. The group then moves to the middle of the circle. Narderan touches the big obelisk and the runes start to glow. Light blue mist starts going out of the carvings. It flows down, fills invisible paths in the ground, forming incredible shapes. But the sky gets a little darker with every second. Uneasy feelings are getting stronger. Dharma turns around and sees the pool of ink slowly creeping through the forest, as well as seeing the path it took, marked with dead trees.
- How much longer? - she asks? - we have two minutes until it reaches the focus stone.
- We should start running then - says the spirit - it takes five to connect if I know the place, ten if I don't.
- I know the place. Explain to me how do I target it. We can sustain the lack of one focus ourselves - says Tiberius. Seth nods and starts gathering magic to pour into the obelisk if the focusing stone gets destroyed by the Darkness. Narderan starts talking hastily, explaining how to choose the destination. Tiberius puts his paw on the stone and follows the instructions.
- How long does it stay open? - Asks the alligator. - I have a bad feeling.
- About one or two minutes… - answers the spirit. - Why do you ask, it's plenty of time…
She doesn't answer, just points at the Darkness. It flows around the focusing stone, leaving it intact. It doesn't want to get them. It wants to go with them!
- Any way we could close it after we leave?
- I don't know…
- I do - Says Seth. - Destroy the focus, I'll keep it open. Then I'll drop the magic from me, it should last for ten seconds before it dissipates.
- No, it's dangerous for you. You will stop being alive without the magic.
- Then you will have to heal me at the school. I don't see another way, unless someone is to stay here. - The Darkness was just a dozen meters away - are you ready Tiberius?
He nods and takes his paw off the stone. The mist on the ground starts to gather in one place, spinning around. Then it shoots upwards, creating a pillar of blue light. Fire Guardian then conjures a large fireball and throws it at one of the focus stones. It melts, setting the forest on fire. Seth immediately starts sending his magic to the stone. The portal gets distorted, but is still in place. The Darkness is within the reach of a paw however. The group hastily moves towards the portal. Seth staggers. He falls to his knees but maintains the connection with the stone. The keeper rushes to him and pushes him away just before the pool of ink can reach him. Dharma picks him up and says “now!". A dense cloud of magic flows from the fox’s body, leaving him without breath. Tiberius helps with moving Seth, the spirit follows them. Magic starts to weaken, the portal fades slowly. The Darkness is just a meter away when they jump through the portal. It closes right after.
In the artifact room of Marquise Dagma’s School of Magic a couple of students are observing a magic staff when the air fills with a form of static electricity. They look around and see three animals and a white creature appear near a giant monolith. In the dim light they notice ornamented robes of the Circle members. One of them, a white fox is carried by the other two. White creature falls to the ground, holding its leg . They notice a small part of it getting darker and darker. They get snapped back to reality by one of the newcomers shouting
- Don't just stand there, get a healer now!
They take a last glimpse of the weird creature they have never seen before, the black part of it’s leg growing constantly. Then they all run for a healer.
Whew! The next one isn't as long as this one.
I sure hope they'll all be alright :) Thanks for reading!
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*Lurks for part 5* :3
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Okay, next one for your entertainment! These come pretty fast actually... It's scary how much fun it is!
Part V - A fight for lives.
A group of healers arrive shortly after.
- What happened to him? - asks one of the medics
- He dropped his magic… - answers Dharma
- And the other one?
- Which one? The rest of us are fine.
- The white one.
Both Tiberius and Dharma only now notice Narderan on the floor, holding his black leg. They leave Seth to the medics and go to the spirit.
- Talk to us, what happened? - starts the wolf
- I don't know, it hurts!
- Did you touch the Darkness?
- Maybe, I didn't feel anything. Please do something!
- I need a light focus! - shouts Dharma. One of the students that were here before and came back to watch tosses her a diamond. She stabs it into spirit’s leg, making him scream in pain. She then concentrates on it, using the element she didn't for a long time. Light, not as commonly used now as it was back when Darkness was a common sight in the world. Spell shrinks the blight a little but it still expands slowly.
- We need to get him to Noon! - she says to Tiberius.
He picks the keeper, now unconscious from the pain he experienced and runs to the door. The students rush behind him ready to help. A floating disc is waiting behind the door, he and the students jump on it. Dharma watches Seth who is still laying on the floor with medics casting spells on him.
- He's strong, Guardian. - says one of the medics. - Most other beings would be beyond help now. We're sustaining him manually, but I believe we can start his heart in time. The body needs to gather some magic before that.
- Thank you for the news - says Dharma as she looks at the fox who saved them.
The corruption expands, covering a quarter of Narderan’s body. He is still unconscious with a wound on his dark leg. The disc is arriving to the Light Guardian, Noon Stargazer’s office. The gray and black striped cat is sitting in a chair with countless parchments and quills on his desk. The door opens suddenly and Tiberius runs in with something on his hands. Noon jumps a little at the sudden noise and looks at the newcomer. Fire Guardian lies the thing that turns out to be a body of a white creature on the desk.
- He touched the Darkness. - says the wolf. - We tried to stop it, but we only slowed it down. He has a focus in the leg - he points at the wound.
- Wait, the Darkness? As in the myth?
- Yes, I'll explain later. Now do something!
Small magic lights present around the room flash with a blinding light. The wound emits a ray of light too. The Light Guardian waves his paws in different directions around the body. Curious students peek inside, watching the light show and clearly not understanding what is going on. Meanwhile sweat shows on Noon’s forehead, he closes his eyes in order to concentrate better. From the wound with the focus inside a circle of white fur slowly expands, purging the Darkness from the Keeper’s body. After couple of minutes there was no sign of the corruption other than the wound in his leg.
- Get him to the medics, pull the diamond out - recommends the cat before sitting on the chair again, his head getting dizzy from the use of strong magic
- Are you okay? - asks Tiberius
- Worry about him. Who is he anyway?
- He’s a Keeper of the Waystone, he helped us to get back to the school.
- So that’s how you returned. We were worried after the portal closed but the Archmage didn’t want to do anything. I’m really glad you’re all okay. You are, right? - Noon has a worried face.
- Seth isn’t, he dropped the magic…
- Sounds like him, he’ll be alright as always. You can’t bring him down.
- I sure hope so - Finishes the wolf. He picks the spirit up and walks out, ignoring the students standing next to the door shocked. As he jumps on the disk it proceeds to the school’s hospital.
I hope you liked it as always. Leave some nice words to warm up my heart if you want, always appreciated! Next part is ready for tomorrow!
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Felt bad for Narderan :'( - But at least he's okay now, right? ...Right? I hope so.
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I'm really sorry I missed both of these, but I sat my wolfie butt down and read them both. That was much better, with showing the magic working and explaining as you went. I really got a grasp of it - a diamond for a light focus was a brilliant idea! Your characters are really coming along and making themselves individuals. I feel much more connected with Seth, especially because you didn't just cram in there "He does these kinds of things." You showed me he does, and made me worried about him. Absolutely loved it. I was even happier to read how quickly it's all coming to you and going together. It's a thrill when you're writing, get to a point, and think "Wow, I have a lot more to go to wrap it up." At least, I think it is. -^.^-
I felt bad for the Keeper, too. That was a wonderful scene. You've gotten a lot of this down pat in virtually no time, I'm extremely proud of you for that. Now I can start in with finer things. I have no complaints about the story telling, nor the characters. Even this is just an exercise that you can try to play around with, see if it's something that makes it more fun to write, or if you feel it flows better. I don't know how to explain it really - have your characters 'play' more. To better explain, I'll rewrite a very small portion of the story (I'm usually loathe to do this kind of thing, adjust any authors work and sully it with my own style, but for this I'll make an exception).
"Get him to the medics." The cat dropped into his chair, putting a hand to his spinning head. The amount of magic he'd just accessed in order to heal the darkness was enough to make most pass out. But he was the Guardian of Light; he merely felt extremely dizzy. With his eyes cast down to try and help with the sudden wave of nausea, he noticed the diamond in the little creatures leg once more. "And I'd pull that diamond out." He recommended, gesturing vaguely toward the gem jutting out of the soft fur.
I don't know how else to show what I mean by let them 'play' more. I use the word play, because your characters are actors on the enormous stage of your own world. You wouldn't want to go to a play where the actors on stage barely move, barely gesture, and do the minimum required for the part, if that makes sense. It's just something that might be fun for you to work on or try to add - not a necessity, but like I said, I like to try and leave something potentially helpful and constructive whenever I read something, if possible. Can't wait for the next part! You're painting a beautiful picture of a story here, and I'm truly impressed with the scope and characters. Keep up the good work! :D
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So yeah. I did stuffs again. It was written before Proto's suggestions though, so it doesn't have as much acting as it could have and I didn't feel like writing some stuff again. I'll consider that in the next part.
Part VI - Meeting
Worried Tiberius is sitting in the hospital wing next to his friends, Seth and Narderan. They are both stable. Fox regained some of his inner magic, allowing his heart to beat on its own. The spirit has a bandage on his leg but he is healing fast. The Water Guardian wakes up. The wolf rushes to his bed and tries to put him down.
- No, stay in here, I’ll ask the medics to come
- We don’t have time for this - Replied the Fox and continued getting up, but the world spins around and forces him back onto the bed. Tiberius places his paw on a small gem inside the bed and a moment later a black panther in nurse’s outfit comes in. She checks Seth’s condition, waving her paws around his head and torso and after some time says:
- The level of magic in your body is very low right now, there is no way you’ll be able to walk any time soon, sir. A rough estimate is a month, and at least four months before you will be able to use any advanced magic.
- No way I’m staying here for that much… Is there a way to speed this up?
- We’ll try, sir. I can’t promise anything - she says as she leaves.
- Great… - sighs Seth.
- We’ll make you a Speaking Stone, You’ll be able to -
- I don’t like talking. There’s a meeting right? You better go there, I’ll be fine.
Tiberius leaves and heads for the Hall of the Elements.
In the hall four Guardians and the Archmage are discussing the events of the last couple of days. Dharma described everything she knows about the Darkness, not mentioning Seth’s spell on the volcano for now. All the other guardians listen. When she finishes there’s a bit of silence, broken by the Archmage.
- The situation is dire. We have to act fast, however I don’t know how. I will have to do research on that matter. You meanwhile should focus on locating the enemy and preparing for the fight if it occurs. - Tiberius opens the door and walks in. - I’m glad you joined us, Fire Guardian. How are they doing?
- Seth just woke up, but he won’t be able to fight for four months. - Replies the wolf
- You believe that? He will do anything to get back on his paws - Smiled Athene Silvertail, the Storm Guardian.
- This is a serious matter Guardians - Archmage Lupius says - We have to focus all resources we have on it. Consider informing the students. Find any stories, any rumors that can help find the goal of this… Creature. Good luck, Guardians!
Lupius Silvertail walks to his office next to the hall, when he leaves the five remaining Guardians start walking out too, thinking about the preparations they have to take. Dharma Thickscale follows the Archmage and asks for a private meeting. The old wolf invites her to his quarters.
The Keeper is lying in his bed next to Seth the Wild. His mind is in another world however. He floats around with great speed and sees everything beneath him. Not the trees, rivers or mountains however, he sees the elements flowing through all of these places. His head fills with with images of magical places. He sees not only the Waystones, but also other artifacts of the past eras of magic. Focuses, staves, Sources hidden in different places. One image is much stronger than the others however, yet feels weak. A staff. The Keeper sees it clearly. In a far away land, in a tomb of a powerful mage lies his biggest creation. Then, there’s a short blink of a scholar, a monkey. Only thing he feels after are two words, filling up his head.
Find him.
Narderan wakes up, sweating and breathing deeply. He doesn’t even feel the pain in his leg. Seth notices it but he doesn’t say anything. Even though his magic is not strong enough to let him walk he trained long enough to feel the changes around him. And he felt the same thing that happened to him not that long ago. A dream sent by a very powerful magic, even stronger than the Archmage’s. It showed him great arcane secrets that increased his magic capabilities beyond limits. He was curious what the Keeper saw, but it wasn’t intended for him. The spirit now has his mission in this world. The fox completed his for now. Maybe they’ll leave him alone finally.
The spirit leaves the room soon after, walking to find the scholar he was shown.
The monkey is waiting.
Well, not to puff myself up too much but I like the ending. I was thinking about what else to write here and it just came. Love that feeling.
See you tomorrow!
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Yaaay he lived! And I'll have to see if I can keep up with your daily additions ;)
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Finally a break in my work work work work work week. Not much of one, but enough to read this. I love the additions to explaining what happened a little bit. The spirit that gave him a vision, and how obscure the vision was. I'm excited to see where the next one goes. Knowing Seth (and this is a major win for character development, that I can saying "knowing ...") he'll go along anyway, weakened magic or not! I find myself drawn to his character, because I'm absolutely stubborn like that.
I think it will add a real dramatic flair to the story, making one of he strongest among them weaker for a time. Taking power away from someone who's used to power is a very strong blow for the character and reader alike, and I love that you're willing to "harm" a character in that way. It makes them more relatable and more real. It clarifies their mortality in a very stark light.
I think the only thing I would have liked to see more of is their weakened states at the beginning. It's a fantastic scene, and you needed to get to addressing the problem. This is one thing I know you'll add to, and you already addressed before the post. The same acting I mentioned before really makes the scene more powerful, personifies the characters and sets their mentality in stone.
Like I said, I already know you're adding more. There is absolutely no need to go back, keep plowing forward! You can add more to the scene if you want later. Take it as a good thing that your readers wanted to see more; that means you're doing your job as an author and keeping us craving more of your world!
You're really doing an awesome job with this story, HE! I'm seeing more and more coming into light, more twists and turns that maybe even you weren't expecting to sprout up. I absolutely love when that happens to me, and I love even more seeing it happens to you too!
Looking forward to your next scene, big time, even if it takes me a little while to get around to it. Keep throwing me those surprises! They're a thrill to read!
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I decided to slow down a bit, take some time off from writing. I did too much too fast I think. I want to get back on track now, after this part goes live I'll start the next one! Enjoy!
(Title is crappy I know, had absolutely no idea what else to do though :P)
Part VII - History lesson
The small white spirit walks through the school, following his instinct. He finds a door and stops. The door opens, behind it stands an old monkey. His fur was brown a long time ago, but has since turned dark gray. His eyes are that of a young, energetic and wise animal however. He invites the spirit in. Narderan walks in and sits down on the chair.
- I knew you would come. What did you see? - The scholar sits on another chair and leans forward, listening.
The spirit starts speaking. He knows the positions of Waystones, artifacts and Sources. Looking into the monkey’s eyes he knows the wise old teacher expects more. He recalls the strong image, almost burned into his mind. The staff. He tells everything he knows:
The staff was made by a powerful wizard and buried deep in some kind of temple. It can give full control of all the elements and create them, but it does need Sources for power. The monkey listens. When the Keeper is finished with the description old teacher says:
- I know what you speak of. It's a dangerous artifact and since you saw the vision it has to be important for us.
- Can I ask something? - The spirit’s curiosity takes over - First of all: who are you? And second: what was that vision?
- I'm Xander the Wise, or so they call me - the monkey smiles. - They keep telling me I should be the Archmage, that I should rule the school. But I'm happy as a teacher. Besides that my body couldn't keep up with the tasks... - He stops for a moment and sighs. - As for the second question: the vision was sent by a mage that lived on this world a long time ago. His power was so great he was able to trap his own soul in this realm, becoming a lich. His power was significantly lowered since he had no body to store or conduct the magic, but he is still to this day the most powerful mage to live, if you can call a soul trapped by magic living. The staff you described was made at the peak of his power. He was obsessed with knowledge, not caring about power, wealth or anything else, so he dedicated a lot of time to studies about the Sources. He found their secret and made the staff to control the power. The Elemental Key he called it, a powerful focus on it’s own, a weapon of destruction when combined with a Source. And now you know where it’s hidden. What do you do with that knowledge is yours to choose, but I’d recommend telling the Archmage. If the darkness gets to it first… - He stopped.
Narderan saw fear in his eyes. He knew what to do, the Guardians are the only ones that can keep it away from the Darkness. Getting up he said one last thing:
- I recalled something just now. I saw many sources when I had the vision, but one of them felt different. - The Keeper closes his eyes to look through the memory better - I think it was a different color than most of the others I saw. It was black.
- I felt this day would come. Go now, do your part in this story. - Says Xander the Wise as he sits behind his desk.
The spirit leaves to find out where can the Archmage be found.
Meanwhile in Archmage’s quarters Lupius Silvertail and Dharma Thickscale sit down, with the Earth Guardian looking overwhelmed by the recent events.
- What do you need. - Asks the wolf.
- May I speak freely? - Lupius nods - Seth did something. Nothing bad, he saved our lives. I have skipped this part in case it should stay in a small group. He cast a spell. A water spell. In a volcano, with almost no water around. - She pauses for some time, gathering her thoughts. - I think he was able to create water. - The Archmage still listens leaned forward, he doesn’t seem to be shocked though. - If it was on a small scale, making my robe wet, maybe creating a puddle I would be impressed, but not worried. - Another short pause, she takes a deep breath. - But he solidified the entire surface of the lava and there still was enough water to flow around. I’m sure Tiberius could drown if I didn’t pull him.
Archmage’s eyes open wider. Even if he was hiding his emotions earlier, they took over him now.
- I felt something inside him change some time ago, but I didn’t anticipate it had such a big impact on his abilities. Thank you for keeping this to yourself, I’ll decide what to do later. Until then, focus on the task - Lupius gets up and walks to the door, Dharma follows him.
- Of course, Archmage - She says as she bows - Thank you for your time.
She leaves, thinking about what should she do next. Lost in her thoughts the alligator doesn’t notice a small white creature making it’s way towards the quarters.
I hope you liked it as always! I feel there will be one or two more of these lore parts, then I hope some action will kick in!
Thanks for reading, love you all!
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*Sitting nearby with some popcorn for the next part* :D
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I absolutely adore how many stories are coming out of the wood works here. I'm just sorry it takes me a little time to get to each one. I just want the time to dedicate to each one that they deserve. To me, this kind of talent that everyone shows here is not something I want to come in, gloss over, and say "Cool. Keep going." That's not a bad thing to do, but it's so much fun to read all of this that it's deserving of my attention.
There was such a difference between the two posts, it was like night and day. I pictured the old line "It's alive!" and it made me smile. Not that the other posts weren't, but I hope you can feel and see the difference with your characters. How much more animated they are, how much more it shows their thoughts and their demeanor. Like the Archmage, when his eyes opened wider. You didn't have to tell people "He was shocked." He showed it in his facial features. I really got a sense of how drastic the change was, could feel the importance of the change. Just from making him react visually, every character you write has a personality and reaction all their own.
From there, you'll start to see the characters react in a way opposite of how you were expecting the scene to go. Part of an author's job is to let your characters do what they would naturally do, and adjust accordingly. I can't tell you how many times Jade or Kayara has completely derailed a scene, but that's how they would genuinely react, so I had to leave it.
This is the most fun I've ever had reading other's stories. I remember not too long ago when two furs I know who are very important to me (I'm not going to name HE and Pegu) were telling me that their story wouldn't be more than ten pages, max. It's all too exciting to see a short story - one you think is small and quick - evolve into something much bigger and more intricate. And I see that in your story very vividly.
The addition of the old monkey and the staff, along with how it reacts to the Sources, shows how far it's gone in a short time. I loved the monkey, too - the fact he enjoys remaining a teacher endeared him to me right away. I hope I get to see more of him at some point. :D I love your background, too, on the history of the staff. It felt natural where it was, and it gave something to think about with the mage. Is he controlling the darkness? Did he do something to the new Source mentioned to cause the darkness to expand? Very well done with subtly putting questions in my mind. "Do your part in this story." I love subtle breaks like that, too, where the characters take it as something different, but as the reader I can think "Ha! Your part in this story."
The little white creature at the end was a really good cliff hanger to leave, too. I want to know what the little guy is up to!
Now there's only two things left to even address, and one of them doesn't count as anything because it comes from just writing. You're at the point where you're just refining your style, and I see that getting more and more ... apparent, I suppose is the right word ... every addition you make. You're standing out more and more as your own story teller. It's really encouraging and fantastic to see. I hope a lot of people are reading your posts, because it's definitely an encouragement that you -can- do it, even if you think you can't. As you've discovered, you might just end up surprising yourself. ;)
And since I try to find things to help with, which I admit are becoming increasingly difficult with your work, there is only one thing that's not even really a big deal. I'm not a hundred percent sure it will help you, but I'll do my best to explain what I mean. As always, you can decide from there if it's helpful or not. "He knew what to do, the Guardians were the only ones who could keep it away from the darkness." I find myself still doing this same thing, so I'm not one to say it's easily avoidable. But with leaps of knowledge, embellish a little bit. How did he know that? Was there a knowledge he had, something that tipped him off? Things like this are kind of the reason Aria is around in my book. There's more to her than that, but she's the one that breaks it down and explains the why and the how.
I'll use Aria as that example, since I don't want to edit your personal work and color your writing with my voice. Her inner thoughts are written down so the reader can follow; either she speaks them out loud while thinking it through, or I let you follow her thought process.
"I'm only proposing it as a last ditch option. The intelligence here is offering us things that we have no hope of answering. Since we don't know the origins of them, nor do we know the origin of the answers ... Confronted with unknowns, I propose we answer with unknowns. Jack."
Where I could have said
"Jack is the best choice." Aria knew he was. The others did too.
But her explanation brought the reader up to date with the thought process, and opened up an entire scene with the entire crew responding. I hope that made sense and helped some! If it didn't, then it didn't. But this is really the only thing I could see. Like I told Pegu, other than editing, it's harder and harder to find anything I can point out to you. You're getting more and more detailed, more and more characters and subplots, fun magic. I have no doubts I'll be devoid of things to say in a matter of a post.
You're a fantastic writer. Now, if you don't mind. *Sits next to Pegu and grabs a pawfull of popcorn* I'm gonna wait with Pegu here for the next part. I need to see what happens!
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Just finished it, so here it is! Enjoy as always! A bit shorter I feel like, but it rounds up the talky stuff and introduces the action part nicely I feel like.
Part VIII - Change of plans
The Archmage is lost in thoughts. So much so that he doesn’t notice the door to his quarters open. Sitting on the chair next to the desk, he twitches his ears as they detect a sound:
- I’m sorry to interrupt, sir…
The wolf jumps a little at the sight of the tree spirit. He calms down fast and says:
- You must be Narderan. What do you need Keeper?
- I’m not the Keeper anymore, sir.
- Please, not sir. Makes me feel old.
- Of course, si… Of course. I need to tell you about something. I had a vision. I’ve seen many things, but two of them are more important than the others, or so thinks master Xander. - The Archmage leans forward, listening.
Narderan describes everything he knows about The Elemental Key and the black Source he saw. The Archmage listens carefully, he doesn’t ask any questions. Magical visions are one of the few parts of magic that should be approached with great caution. While it’s much easier to show an image, it’s equally possible to create one from scratch. The amount of details the spirit describes however makes the vision much more believable. Narderan even mentions the location of the tomb which holds the staff. When he finishes, the wolf thinks for some time. He finally says:
- I will gather the Circle once again. With this information we won’t have to look blindly for the next goal of the Darkness. From what you said about the Source I can deduce that we didn’t detect one and it was taken and corrupted by the evil. If the enemy finds the staff too, we’re in big trouble. Is there a way to get there quickly? Without Seth and with great distance separating us from it we won’t be able to send too many Guardians at once. - The spirit thinks for a while, then his eyes open wider.
-I think there is one possibility. About a day of walking from the Tomb there’s a waystone that looked intact and was still emitting power. It’s probably not faster than the teleport spell but it can transport everyone. Tiberius also knows how to open it to get back here.
- It’s perfect. I’ll inform the Guardians right away - He pulls a small yellow gemstone and waves around it. - Thank you for the information. I have to ask you one last thing. Will you be able to open the Waystone for us?
- Of course. It’s my job!
Both of them get up and leave, Narderan going to his room in the hospital wing, the Archmage heading to the Hall of the Elements. After a couple of minutes all the Guardians besides Seth are there too. Lupius starts speaking:
- I’m sorry for getting you all here the second time, but I’ve got new information regarding the problem. Narderan, the tree spirit, had a vision showing him the location of a powerful artifact. It should be our next goal to secure it. You can use the Waystone that is near to travel there, then you’ll have to move fast. I don’t think my body is able to move at a decent speed, so I’ll have to stay here. I trust that your abilities will suffice. Dharma, you should talk with the Keeper to get an idea of where to look for the entrance. Rest for now, tomorrow at dawn we’ll make the preparations.
The Guardians listen to the Archmage and when he’s finished they leave to their rooms. No reason to talk among themselves nor with the Archmage, in the world ruled by magic plans change like flowing water. Every member of the circle goes to bed early, knowing they won’t have that pleasure for some time.
The Darkness however doesn’t sleep, and is more powerful than before thanks to the Source it possesses now. It can move faster and not leave any trace behind itself. It knows about the Elemental Key and will try to get it before the Mages can. Then it will be one step closer to covering the entire world in eternal night.
A bit shorter I feel like, but it rounds up the talky stuff and introduces the action part nicely. Thanks for reading, Love you all!
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Hooray! More Narderan! (I love this little treeborn you've made :) )
I'm not as big a talker as Proto, sorry, but, I like it yet again! :D
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*sorry if I keep forgetting to leave comments*
I'm kind of like Peg - still kind of new at giving lots of feedback
it has caught my attention since the start
going to do something similar to Peg - I'll grab a big bowl of chicken wings and wait for the next parts
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Chicken wings? *sniffs the air and starts leaning toward Firox's bowl of wings, then stops* Hey, wait, I don't talk ... Alright, I do. But it's with good reason! Especially with your stories. As I said, I had no doubt you would leave very little for me to nitpick, and you didn't. Every post just gets better and better. I noticed you even started breaking up the dialogue lines more - not that you didn't before, but I recognized after reading through that I didn't have a difficult time in any location determining who was speaking.
The other reason I didn't is the personality you're giving your characters. Look at Narderan (I love him, but I still think Seth is my favorite); demure to the Guardians and elders above him, but a strong - and strong-willed - spirit. When you can write dialogue without specifying who's talking, and your reader can instantly say "Oh, that's definitely Seth" then you're doing something write. It lessens the necessity for dialogue tags, which means your work isn't a chore to read.
I have to point out "plans change like flowing water," because I liked that analogy very much. The smallest hitch in a plan (or the smallest change a character unexpectedly makes to a story) can send the river diverging on multiple different courses. And blanketing the world in eternal night, all the small things about the darkness. The minor mention of the fact it can move a lot faster really showed the need for haste - and you didn't even have to spell that out! That is a prime example of following one of my most important tenants in writing. "Trust your reader." You trusted that by mentioning that, I would get the urgency behind them waking up and moving. You didn't spell it out, which can make some people think "Yeah, I got that." When you spell out the obvious, you're telling your reader you think they're too dumb to put the simple pieces together, and believe me - the reader knows it.
The small dialogue, before I forget, where you had him say "Don't call me sir." Loved it. It just added to his character, as well as Narderan's. :)
The only thing I can really give you from here are suggestions, and those are take them or leave them in the most extreme sense because it's borderline style changing. We all know I don't want that at all.
You can add more in some places, stretch out the scene a little bit and add more to it. Make the vision really come to life! When you put "Narderan even mentions the location of the tomb." You can have that in dialogue - true, you'd be repeating the vision sequence. But instead of us reading along with it (which was very well done) now we can see Narderan's interpretation. In this case, repeating it is okay, because you're really not repeating, per se. You're giving us an alternate perspective and helping us see how they reached their conclusions.
There's nothing wrong with a scene that has no actual fights or magic flying around. This one is not a suggestion, really more of a compliment and an encouragement than anything. You can make a dull scene less "boring" via your characters. I have plenty of talking scenes in my book - unfortunately, it's necessary. But when I have all six of the main characters in one room, even when just answering questions sparks fly. Your characters don't give each other as much hell as mine do, though, so a better example would be Ada in Jo's Chambers. While they're talking and discussing boring contracts, she explores his office and touches a Sunshock flower that stores the lights energy as a defensive mechanism, shocking anything that comes near. It's small, but it adds a break in the monotone contract debates. I'm not saying follow my example, but so you can see what I mean.
That scene was by no means boring, but if you feel something ever is and your writing is boring even you, throw in something random (that makes sense with the scene, of course) to mix it up. If you're bored writing it, I can assure you the reader is too. ;)
Like I said, it's terribly borderline style changing, so I don't want you to even consider it if it feels like it compromises -you- and your wonderful ability to tell a story. There's a reason you have at minimum three of us waiting in the wings for every post, and I'm sure plenty of lurkers who are just afraid to post. I'm sure especially after my bibliography sized responses. X.x
Waiting with *sniffsniff* chicken wings for the next part! Especially because you said there's more magic and spell throwing. You have a talent with magic. -^.^-
... Don't talk a lot. Was only like a page or so.
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Proto has a point near the end of his post, for every one poster giving feedback, there's usually one or two hiding that just haven't posted. I read this a little while ago, and I was guilty of forgetting to post anything about it. For English not being your native language, you do extremely well in your writing! I'll definitely be keeping up on this!
*plops next to the rest and sniffs the wings*