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Creative Arts and Media => Creative Writing => Topic started by: Animal I've Become on October 06, 2007, 06:26:09 PM

Title: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Animal I've Become on October 06, 2007, 06:26:09 PM
         right, here's some background-
 I had to do an opening for a romance story for english at school. I think i've done, but i'm not entirely sure if its good enough. Could someone, anyone, please read it and tell me if its good enough to get an A/A* ? :sniffle: I'd be happy to receive any, and all comments (even if you think its a flaming bag o' poop). Oh, and could someone please tell me if "Graffitied" is even a word? [Male Character: Takami. Female Character: Sapphire}


The sun was setting over Lime Street Station, and commuters were rushing in every direction, heads bowed.
                      Staring at her from only a few inches away, Takami realized that he could not tear his eyes from hers. They certainly lived up to her name. Those deep blue eyes… there was only one word which could describe them. Sapphire. A beautiful name for an infinitely more beautiful woman.
   
   Snapping out of his trance, he heard her voice,
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“Takami? Takami? Are you in there?”
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“Oh, yes, sorry,” He replied, his eyes now focusing back on the rest of her. Her cherry lips, her chestnut tinted hair.
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“Thank God, I thought we’d lost you there for a minute,” she said, laughing mockingly. He could almost feel his heart shattering. She’d laughed at him… did she maybe not have the same feelings for him as he had for her? He fell to the floor, despondent; Sapphire crouched down beside him.
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“There’s something wrong isn’t there?” She said, clearly worried.
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“No, no, nothing… I’m just a little dizzy,” he replied; he could feel the redness of a blush rushing towards his cheeks.
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“Sorry, but I’m not sure I believe you. Let’s go somewhere a bit quieter,” she said as one of the careless commuters, not looking where he was going, kicked her in the shin.

   It felt like forever to Takami, walking that small distance to the Starbucks, Sapphire holding his arm to steady him. They collected their drinks, and sat down at a corner table.
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“Now,” Sapphire said, looking at Takami concernedly, “What’s wrong? And I want the truth this time.” Shifting uncomfortably in the broken, graffitied plastic seat, Takami replied,
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“Well, I’m not sure I should tell you…”
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“Why not?” She enquired. “We’ve known each other for years, almost since we were born.”
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“I know, that’s why I don’t know whether to tell you.”
She looked back at him, realization dawning. Maybe he loved her too!




                    (in case you're wondering why it's set at lime street station, its cos' the teacher told us to)
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Dr. Strange on October 06, 2007, 08:18:47 PM
i like it. and the main character has my name. SAphir. {pronounced SAH--fear}Keep writing.
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Animal I've Become on October 06, 2007, 08:22:00 PM
why thank you,  Saphir. i don't know if i will write any more anytime soon, but I might do.  :sleepytime: later...
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Animal I've Become on October 06, 2007, 09:03:56 PM
forget about later, now will do just fine. hope you like it!

Chapter 2, or someting like that...


Sapphire could feel her cheeks reddening. She hid her face behind the coffee mug, hoping Takami hadn’t seen her blush. She was in luck. He was staring intently, lost in thought, at his cappuccino, watching the last of the froth melt away. Sapphire took that opportunity to look a little closer at that face she knew so well. No one knew why, but Takami was born with grey hair. He took great pride in the fact that he was different, and had grown his hair and spiked it back. He certainly stood out in a crowd. Sapphire noticed that he hadn’t bothered to spike it as much as he normally would. Something really was bothering him. She looked into his eyes, and saw a single glistening speck. As she watched, it grew, and dropped into the cappuccino. Is he crying?! She thought she had seen a single teardrop grow and fall softly from his jade green eyes. Takami looked up at her, and she realized that his eyes were bloodshot. The expression on his face was that of pure worry.
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“Sapphire,” he said, another tear falling from his eye, “I can’t take this anymore. I have to know. Do you feel the same way about me as I do about you?”
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“T-Takami…” she stuttered, her cheeks turning scarlet once more “That depends… H-How do you feel about me?”
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“I-I love you Sapphire…” he replied, breaking down into tears. Sapphire stared, speechless, at the six foot man who’d seemed so reliable, so strong, sob like a little child. She was amazed that he had said it, but glad. It would have been too hard for her to say it first. But now she could.
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“I love you too Takami!” She cried, throwing her arms around him, embracing him with all of her strength, never wanting to let go.
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Dr. Strange on October 06, 2007, 09:42:39 PM
its bea-u ti- ful. whatcha been up to.??
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Animal I've Become on October 06, 2007, 10:37:14 PM
not much except this... i'm gonna go to bed soon anyhoo, so i'll get back to writing this tomorrow :sleepytime: night night.  :)
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Dr. Strange on October 06, 2007, 10:47:44 PM
night
*tickles with random feather*
HA! i found your weak spot!!
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Animal I've Become on October 07, 2007, 09:00:54 AM
nya! Not Again!  =3 ~Falls on floor in fit of uncontrollable laughter~
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Vosur Aekira on October 07, 2007, 10:21:35 AM
Use "placed graffiti" instead of "graffitied"... but so far so good in my own eyes. I'm not exactly the best one you need to contact for things like this though...
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Animal I've Become on October 07, 2007, 10:22:52 AM
thanks anyway, any feedback is good feedback. :)
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Vosur Aekira on October 07, 2007, 10:39:17 AM
Continue it on and you may have something.
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Dr. Strange on October 07, 2007, 01:02:21 PM

Continue it on and you may have something.


i agree with vosur. continue, please?
{yes, i know my spelling is horrid. bear with me. i promise i'll get beter}
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Animal I've Become on October 07, 2007, 08:22:55 PM
I don't really have time to finish it right now, but maybe tomorrow, or the day after. Until then...
:D watch this space :D
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Dr. Strange on October 07, 2007, 08:41:06 PM
*watches in stupid fascination, still tickling*
bored...
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Animal I've Become on October 08, 2007, 07:00:39 PM
lol, you can stop watching, for now at least. i have way too much actual work to do to finish this anytime soon, but keep checking back. i'll post the next part as soon as i get the chance to write it. Trouble is, that may be next week. i'll finish the rest ASAP.

okay, you can go back to watching this space again now...

=3 Watch Me!!!  =3
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Dr. Strange on October 09, 2007, 04:41:43 PM
*pokes, giggling*
ok.
*watches space then gets bored, pulling out the mighty feather of doom*
ohh TAIB!! guess what i've got for you?
*wink wink*
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Animal I've Become on October 09, 2007, 06:07:13 PM
huh?! *Turns around* oh... oh god... Noooo!!!!!!!!!!!
please...no.... :th_PyongLlora: please don't... :sniffle:
(And call me Danny, or Animal if you must)
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Dr. Strange on October 09, 2007, 07:05:45 PM
*snickers*
you dont like?
*tickles teasingly*
hey. i need some feed. Artemas's history a 2nd chance for her and Dangers ~N~ Revels
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Animal I've Become on October 09, 2007, 08:27:34 PM
done, done,  and done. i think we can all agree that they were all, in their own special way, totally awesome. :)
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Animal I've Become on October 10, 2007, 08:47:28 PM
 Okey Dokey! Sorry for the randomness before, but i've finished the next part of my story doodad. (You may want to get the Kleenex...)

They left the coffee house and walked slowly, cuddling together, towards Sapphire’s house. They stood outside the terrace she called home and held each other close.
“Goodnight Sapphire,” said Takami, again thinking of how beautiful she looked in the moonlight, her hair shining brighter than any star.
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“Goodnight Takami,” she said softly, her head resting against his chest. She moved her head up to his ear and whispered, “I love you…”
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“And I you, Sapphire.” They reluctantly withdrew from each other and Takami began walking back along the road, his gaze not leaving hers. She stood under the light of the lamp above, trying to hold back the tears. He waved and blew a kiss, the turned the corner, towards his house. She collapsed onto the floor, bursting into tears. She choked back the tears of their departure and attempted to get back to her feet. Slowly making progress towards her front door, she took her keys from her pocket, and tried to find the right one in the gloom. Tears dripped from her cheeks onto the keys, making them glisten in the light of the stars. She pushed the key into the lock, her progress slowed by the racking sobs shaking her body. She shut the door behind her and fell against it, sliding down to the floor. She buried her head in her hands and cried for what seemed to her like hours.


                   I'm not as happy with this part  arf , but hey, tell me what you think.  :peace:
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Dr. Strange on October 11, 2007, 11:09:47 PM
i luvs it. very sad though.
*cleans eyes with tissue*
want a cookie?
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Animal I've Become on October 12, 2007, 05:24:25 PM
heck yeah!  :D
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Dr. Strange on October 12, 2007, 09:05:20 PM
*giveas a cokie then tickles, smiling evilly*
i cant beliee you fell for that..
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Animal I've Become on October 13, 2007, 08:30:55 AM
 =3 Darn you!  =3
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Dr. Strange on October 15, 2007, 09:43:34 PM
*tickles harder*
i know im very evil. but what can i say? its in my blood..i missed evryone..
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Animal I've Become on October 21, 2007, 12:13:20 PM
Sorry about the delay, but i've had a lot on my plate reecently. anywho, here's the next installment!

Takami’s eyes crept open in the harsh light of the midday sun. He couldn’t remember what had happened after he’d last seen Sapphire. He only remembered walking home in the dark, the liquor cabinet, and then… nothing. He tried to sit up so he could see the clock, but fell back as the full force of a hangover smacked him around the head. The next time he braved the pain to open his eyes, he looked again at the clock. Damn, 2 o’clock already? Wait a sec, what day was it? He strained his already aching brain for a clue, but found none. He thought he could hear a ringing in his ears. Wait… no, it wasn’t in his ears, it was the phone. Could it be her? The thought of talking to her again spurred him into forcing himself out of bed and down the stairs. He grabbed the phone from out of the kitchen.
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“Hello?” he said. His face fell as he heard the voice on the other end. It was just his boss, furious at him for missing a day of work. He slammed the phone down, knowing full well that he was almost definitely out of work now. He made a cup of coffee, and then went back to bed.

     Sapphire awoke from a restless sleep, still slumped down in her doorway. She sat up and glanced at her watch. Hmm… it was Monday … better call in sick. Luckily, her boss bought her poorly thought out excuse, and allowed her to have the day off. She made some strong black coffee, watched the news as she drank it, then went to get a shower.

   Takami awoke, slowly, to the sound of the doorbell. He dragged himself out of bed and down the stairs again. He looked through the peephole at the face he’d come to love. Sapphire! He pulled himself together and fumbled with the keys in the lock. He flung the door open and embraced his love.
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“Do people not say hello anymore?” she said jokingly, holding him close. “God, you’re a mess, go get cleaned up.” Takami blushed and said with a smile,
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“ Who are you, my mother?”
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“No, but you sure as hell aren’t getting a kiss until you brush those teeth,” she replied, holding a finger against his lips. “And use some mouthwash too!” she shouted up at him as he rushed up to the bathroom.



there may be more soon. otherwise, it'll be a while.
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Dr. Strange on October 21, 2007, 10:19:18 PM
*makes that weird french sign*
mwah. c'e magnifique
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Animal I've Become on October 21, 2007, 11:04:02 PM
weird french sign?  ???
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Dr. Strange on October 22, 2007, 09:19:36 PM
yes the one where you kis two fingers?
so how did you like them?
*tickles teasingly*
Title: Re: I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?
Post by: Animal I've Become on October 22, 2007, 09:27:03 PM
stop it! =3