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Creative Arts and Media => Creative Writing => Topic started by: Shiothefox on March 17, 2014, 06:50:48 AM

Title: Chapter 1
Post by: Shiothefox on March 17, 2014, 06:50:48 AM

The clouds were slowly inching their way in, blocking the sun from its radiant heat. Nicko was out by the lake all morning catching fish with a net. He was in a wooden canoe which he normally kept by the side of his cozy little cabin which barely pushed a mere 70 square metres in size. The air became cooler as the clouds moved in, so Nicko made his way back to his cabin, having caught six large-size salmon. He hung them from a wire to freeze along with the others he had caught and venison he had cooked and saved. After these preparations, Nicko went out with his axe into the forest. He walked to a tree which he had cut down weeks before and continued to chop more large pieces of wood. He came back to the cabin with the extra wood, which he added to the winter stock pile. Nicko retired to his bed as his wife, Maria came in with a deerskin from the deer Nicko had hunted the day before. It was freshly skinned and cleaned, and they used it as a rug in the cabin. Nicko and Maria always made use of as much as they could of the animals they hunted.
   Maria came to lay down with Nicko, for they had worked very hard that day in preparation for winter. “Nicko, do we have enough wood?” asked Maria, feeling anxious.
   “Yes, dear.” Nicko replied
   “We have enough fish, venison, right?” asked Maria, feeling more anxious.
   “Yes, dear, we have more than enough for the winter,” assured Nicko “I have been out fishing all day, and hunting. We have everything we need.”
   “Ok, I just want to make sure we always have enough.” Maria said calmly
   “We always do.” replied Nicko,” Now, let’s fix some of that fish,”
Nicko placed some dried grass and some wood in the fireplace as he cut a salmon down the middle, cooking half of it in the cauldron and saving the other half. He and Maria ate well that night. The candles were on, and the cabin was all lit up and warm. They looked out the window at lake, where they would typically see a beautiful sunset in October, but the clouds had completely covered the sky in full overcast. Instead of a sunset, Nicko and Maria watched as the first snowflakes of the season fell. They watched it fall for a few minutes, as they ate their dinner. As they blew out their candles, the snow continued to fall and build up on the trees. They retired to bed, and thus ends the first day of winter.
Nicko awoke the in the morning cuddled up with Maria. Both were warm as they woke up, heat retained by their thick, silky fur. Nicko snuck out of bed and peeked out the window. The white powder had built a layer on the trees and the ground. Snow was still falling. Nicko went to fetch the venison he had preserved and cooked it in the furnace until it was well done. The smell of it caused Maria to awake. She was still slumbering. Nicko placed the cooked meat on a plate along with a bread roll and set both on a tray. He walked to the bed, kissed her on the forehead and served her the carefully prepared meal.
   “Why thank you, Nicko!” exclaimed Maria
   “Nothing but the best for my lovely Maria” Replied Nicko, who had crawled back in bed with his arm around her.
   The two kissed. Maria ate her breakfast as the two reminisced. They always had a close relationship. They shared everything. No secrets were kept. These two were presented to each other by the creator it seemed, for the moment they laid eyes on each other, a spiritual bond tied the two together. One inseparable unit, a model which can be looked at as the flawless unity we all strive to achieve with the ones we love.
The two put on their fur coats and stepped outside, holding hands. They walked down by the lake and took a slow stroll as the snow continued to fall lightly. They walked completely around the lake. Nicko did not think much of it at the time, but he saw some strange footprints by the lake, exactly parallel to their cabin on the other side of the lake. 
Despite the strange footprints, the two were at peace. They could not have been more joyous. They were complete together. To be apart from each other would be to drive a stake through the heart. His adversity to separation would prove to be quite the downfall to the couple as they enter the most turbulent chapter of their lives.

Title: Re: Chapter 1
Post by: Shiothefox on May 10, 2014, 09:11:45 PM

Please tell me what you think

Title: Re: Chapter 1
Post by: Tyga on May 10, 2014, 10:37:45 PM

Ok, here we go.




Try to make your sentences longer, use commas instead of periods. Imagine a storyteller telling your story to an avid group of listeners now imagine that each period is a place he stops to take a breath. Short sentences would have him hyperventilating to the point that the listeners would go else where. You also have to be careful you don't make your sentences to long, or our poor storyteller would pass out.


Make sure that each sentence flows on from the next. I noticed a couple of places in your story where it looks like the sentence order has gone a little out of wack.

Example: Maria came in with a deerskin from the deer Nicko had hunted the day before. It was freshly skinned and cleaned, and they used it as a rug in the cabin.

The way these two sentences are laid out makes it look like the deerskin is freshly skinned and cleaned....and leaves you wondering how does one skin a skin?


Actions speak louder than words. Try to make sure that when you move from one action to another that there is something there to link them together.

Example:


Nicko retired to his bed as his wife, Maria came in with a deerskin from the deer Nicko had hunted the day before. It was freshly skinned and cleaned, and they used it as a rug in the cabin. Nicko and Maria always made use of as much as they could of the animals they hunted.
   Maria came to lay down with Nicko, for they had worked very hard that day in preparation for winter. “Nicko, do we have enough wood?” asked Maria, feeling anxious.
   “Yes, dear.” Nicko replied
   “We have enough fish, venison, right?” asked Maria, feeling more anxious.
   “Yes, dear, we have more than enough for the winter,” assured Nicko “I have been out fishing all day, and hunting. We have everything we need.”
   “Ok, I just want to make sure we always have enough.” Maria said calmly
   “We always do.” replied Nicko,” Now, let’s fix some of that fish,”
Nicko placed some dried grass and some wood in the fireplace

How did Nicko get from the bed to suddenly building the fire?

Make sure you read through each paragraph to check that it flows smoothly into the next try not to make to many drastic changes in place or time. Take a few more sentences or paragraphs to slowly mold it together into a coherent thought.


These links might help a little, they can be found HERE (http://www.aaronshep.com/youngauthor/elements.html) and HERE (http://www.wikihow.com/Write-a-Good-Story)


Hopefully that didn't sound to harsh and critical, there is the bones of a good story forming here.