The Furry Forums
Creative Arts and Media => Creative Writing => Topic started by: Luke White-Heart on February 28, 2012, 02:34:12 AM
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Hey, guys! This is my first chapter here, so please comment!
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I'm enjoying reading it so far, it's an interesting concept and I'm looking forward to see where you take it
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Thanks, luggz! ^_^
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By request, so have I read...
White-Heart, it's certainly an interesting story. In the manner of first chapters, it's chock-full of good information, interesting characters, and a good introduction into the world you created. I can feel the emotion of the characters (especially the little one across the corridor) and almost see some of the reactions of some of the characters.
There is definitely some room for rewrites and editing, but that's to be expected. What I would focus on is your speed. Everything happens very fast in your story. Try to space it out just a bit more. The conversations seem rushed. If you need inspiration for the spacing, look no further than your own flash backs. Those were built magnificently. Introspection was definitely given it's time in those passages.
All in all, very good read.
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Aww! Such sweet things you say! Thanks, man! ^_^
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I haven't posted here in forever, and i know you're all RIVETED to see chapter 2, so here it is with Chapter 1 revised. Enjoy!
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I have tried to read your Ch. 2 addition with the edits and I am unable to open it. Any chance of a repost?
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I've tried a couple times....it's not working. Tommorrow, i'll try it again. If that doesn't work, i guess i'll post it in incraments.
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Okay, try this. I may have fixed the problem. If not, let me know asap.
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It is still not working. I'm receiving a 503 error message.
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Frakk. Okay, I'll post it in individual parts in a couple days. Probably won't have access to a computer until then.
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I think the problem's fixed...i'm not sure though. Check the above posted link. ^
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I already said it but I will say it again. this story is great. you should read it.
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You have quite a marvelous story-telling voice Luke. I find myself entranced by your "dream sequences" (although I guess they would technically be flashbacks) and greatly enjoy the use of multiple characters with seemingly extreme depth in juxtaposition to others that seem to be only foils.
Your history and philosophy are very interesting to read. They bring the reader to the edge of their seat as they wish to learn more of why all this is occurring, what led to the rise of the "Humanist" movement, and why facilities like the one portrayed are even allowed (or perhaps they are not and its very existence is a "dirty little secret"). Your dialogue is still wonderful and very flavorful. The diction and syntax modifies for each person so that it's not only easy, but natural to imagine a different voice for each character (for example, it may be me, but I imagined Benjamin [the Alpha] to have a deep, confident voice that rang with easy strength).
Having said that, I still think you are moving too fast. Within the space of two paragraphs Luke was taken from his cell and deep into a medical procedure. Now, that may be purposeful to show the reader how fast it is, but you skip a lot of details when you move that quickly that can emphasize the fear and suspicion that is paramount in that situation.
Overall, this is a great work. Two thumbs up.
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Thank you, Otebon. And Beatnory. ^_^ Looking at it, you're right, Otebon. I could slow down a bit. But thank you so much for you're feedback. :3 I had no idea that i could do that with dialouge. I will take your advice and kind words to heart. :) Coming soon: CHAPTER 3! X3
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I'm glad to offer advice you're taking this well.
Can't wait to see Ch. 3 myself.
As for your talent with dialogue, it really means that you've really "gotten in tune" with your characters and writing their words is natural for you. It takes no effort to do so, so it flows through you and onto the page. I'm sorry if this sounds silly, but I really have no other words to say it at this time.
Good job.
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Thankk you. When i have an idea for a story, the idea appears as a movie in my head, and i just try to convey what i see onto the pages. And it IS pretty easy for me to write dialouge.