The Furry Forums
Furry Chat => Rants and Advice => Topic started by: x on August 31, 2011, 09:04:00 PM
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I have a problem, and that's that I find myself worried, who knows how many times a day, that my boyfriend thinks I'm ugly and regretted coming to see me because of how ugly and weird and boring I was.
I know this is irrational...he's told me that I'm beautiful, I even asked him if he thought I was boring and he said no. But I still think about it, months later! I can't get over myself. I know it seems like I'm just being a really negative person, not getting over herself, but it isn't like I'm depressed: what I think I feel is the truth.
I really think the truth is that I'm ugly. If I 'm not ugly, then why don't I look more like all the other girls around me? Why can't I be athletic and have straight hair, and a thin body, and wear make up every day, and have a well angled face and big breasts? I have to face being ugly. And I hate it I hate it so much.
There are several problems with being ugly:
* About 90% of the girls around me are beautiful. This town has a beauty curse upon it. I'm literally the only one who has the greasy curly hair that I don't have time to take care of, the belly, the glasses, the old fashioned face. If the girls around me were more varied or looked more like me, then I wouldn't feel ugly.
* People have TOLD me I'm ugly, need to do something with my appearance, or made jokes about sex or dating behind my back about how much they'd hate to have to have sex with/date me/bring me to a dance.
* Since I believe it, I can't get over it. My ugliness is less like self-pity and more like self-obsession. You wouldn't believe how often I look in the mirror (or any reflective object I pass by) in the hopes that one time I'll look in and see that I'm finally pretty.
There's also the horrible factor of me being boring and shy. Online, am I boring? No! I obviously have a personality online and put out a lot of words online, but will you ever get this much from me in person? No. I felt so guilty when my boyfriend was here because if I would have known how to talk to people and have fun (I used to be horrible but I'm slowly getting better), then we wouldn't have had to walk around with each other in silence so much. I really enjoyed hanging out with him and I love him so much, but I really worried that just being there with him wasn't really enough.
How can he love me? I'm paranoid. How could anyone love me when I'm like this?
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Every key has a certain door it unlocks. Your boyfriend has chosen to unlock you. :)
as for your question as to how anyone can love you when you're like this? Simple really. They don't care what other people look like or think or say, they like you because of who you are.
Now, if I may, I have a question for you. These 90% girls and people who call you ugly and such; why do you care what they think?
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Thanks...I rather understand.
I just care what they think because they're so pretty. They know what it's like to be pretty so they must know what's ugly.
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Lets pretend they do know what ugly is. So what? Why do their feelings towards you matter? Your boyfriend doesn't seem to care. He loves you anyway.
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I want to be pretty for him, I want to really amaze him with how beautiful I am, that's one of the things a girlfriend is supposed to do...
But if you're right, and he loves me anyway...then he must think this is beautiful, me as is?
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I, too, have a problem with paranoia, though it's not this.
In person I am a go-getter, and am not shy at all, but if I am in an unfamiliar surrounding I like to observe the people around me. See how they react to one another, and listen to their voices, listen to their conversations. It's a paranoid personality, because I'm worried that they're talking about me. Everyone in the room must be talking about me, but I've learned, that they're not talking about me at all.
Instead, when I hear a judgemental comment come from someones mouth at the lunch table, or in the hall way, it makes me sad. Especially when I hear someone call another person, or any other living thing "ugly."
Ugly is a word that literally means "frightful" or "dire," and both of those words mean to fear of some sort. So somewhere the definition got skewed. If someone calls someone else ugly, it shows me that they are insecure with their own appearance.
In the past 12 years of my life, I have not called, or found any person "ugly." In my soul, I know that everyone is beautiful, and I'm not just saying that to be all "no body's ugly," but am actually saying that because every person, regardless of physical appearance has several shades of grey to them.
The most important thing here is no, you are not too ugly or shy to love, because your boyfriend finds you attractive and beautiful. So, too, will other people.
Try not to rest too heavily on your own judgement either, as it's most likely the worst. Same as how I think that every time I walk into a room everyone is talking about me, when in fact, they are not.
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I'd say that your issue here isn't so much about your appearance but is simply a matter of self-esteem. You're too quick too find fault in yourself and choose what is perhaps the least important aspect of any relationship to focus on. Even if we ignore the fact that personality trumps appearance with anyone who's worth considering and actually treat appearance as a valuable concern...
I'm afraid you're still incorrect. Beauty is simply what brings pleasure to one's senses, yes? Obviously tastes differ and chances are that there's plenty of people who would classify you as beautiful. For example, you describe these local "beautiful girls" as "athletic and have straight hair, and a thin body, and wear make up every day, and have a well angled face and big breasts". I personally don't really see all that much appeal in that. Healthy weight is far more attractive than the anorexia that is seen so often, make up just obscures a person's natural appearance, smooth faces are generally seen as more feminine (and thus cuter and more attractive) and personally speaking I really don't understand this whole "bigger is better" approach when it comes to the bust. Give me a girl with realistic natural proportions any day.
Still not convinced? Well, even if we assume that all these are desirable qualities, you say that most girls around you have these qualities, yes? Do you not see that this actually helps you? If there's a sea of people with the same sort of traits this makes you more unique and to one with any sense, more beautiful. Beauty is not something that is in abundance, it is something that stands out, catches the eye and dares to be different. Obviously at least one person finds you beautiful and those that would tell you otherwise likely either have poor taste, are specifically trying to make you feel worse about yourself...or they could be just like you, worrying about their own issues and bringing other people down to make themselves feel better as a coping mechanism.
Shyness in RL versus the internet is a real problem I've seen and I think to some extent this affects most people. The great thing about talking to people you trust online is that with no restrictions imposed by society, people who may be listening or judging you, you can feel more free to do as you please and show more aspects to your own being than you normally would. The key to allowing this to also occur in the real world is a combination of close people you can trust, locations where you feel comfortable and finally some good old confidence.
I'd say confidence here is probably one of your biggest issues and you're sorta creating a negative feedback loop here. Most people who lack confidence will quote reasons why they don't feel confident, but I'd wager that 95% of the time, these "reasons" are delusions made by your own lack of esteem. Consider whether other people agree, then consider if those people are trustworthy and whether their opinion actually matters. Chances are that your own fears will be unfounded, with those who actually know you properly and not having ulterior motives having positive impressions whilst those who prey on your own insecurity will make you feel worse to elevate themselves. And such people don't matter. You matter. Your friends matter. Those you love matter.
Now, I realise I'm waffling on here but I want you to do a little exercise for me. I want you to list every positive aspect about you. Don't lie to yourself or be modest, look at what you're good at, see what other people like about you, etc. Getting a friend or family member may be helpful to this exercise. Then get someone honest who knows you well to maybe join in, add a few positives to that list. Chances are, you'll have a good list to be happy about their.
And if not? Get that honest person to list all the valid negative points they can think about you. Compare the two lists, prepare to be pleasantly surprised.
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But if you're right, and he loves me anyway...then he must think this is beautiful, me as is?
couldnt have said it better myself
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There's a saying that goes "you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else," and what you're going through it a prime example of that.
You have to grow self-confidence and like yourself and be comfortable with yourself so that you can have confidence in your mate.
Until you learn to like yourself you'll always have this paranoia that your mate doesn't like you either, which likely isn't true, considering that he says you're beautiful.
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@flames: I will try that exercise, sure. :3 I appreciate what you said about how being the one that's different is beauty...and thank you for taking the time to write something.
@Valexi: I agree. I try to be confident, but then I always slip up XP ...For his sake, I will try harder.
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I just care what they think because they're so pretty. They know what it's like to be pretty so they must know what's ugly.
True beauty shows threw personality and actions
i read a story about a group of girls who wanted to get a photoshoot for there school year book. Well the photographer looked them up on facebook to contact them about times she is available for the shoot.... she ended up reading the messages these so called "pretty girls" have left for one other girl on her face book. I mean the photographer found some really nasty things and attacks they did on this poor girl.
So what did the photographer do? She cancled the shoot and left a message for there parents
"I refuse to take pictures of ugly people" on her facebook
They were ugly because of what they did not because they didnt put on enough makeup.
I was called ugly too...still is but eh life goes on. Not everyone is going to like you and not everyone has a filter on there mouth so they say whats ever on there mind.
So no worries =3 your fine.
I take it your at school? Once out get out of school you will get around more mature people, at school your kinda stuck.
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i can't really offer any advice, but i can say that i also kinda feel that i'm a bit of a monster compared with other people. i'm 6ft7 and quite broad, so i always feel that i stick out like a sore thumb in photographs. when i see then, i realise that that must be what i look like all the time.
i've come to a point now that i don't care anymore, and i actually try to further it by wearing huge, stupid and outlandish clothes, having rediculous hair and a beard. i think it makes me feel more in control of my own appearence. i'm not saying that this is something that you should try, infact i'm not entirely sure why i typed this, but never mind.
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Thanks for reading, guys. I'm trying to get better. I think I have good skills and personality, and even beauty, just a different beauty.
My boyfriend has outright said before that he hates when I talk bad about myself DX I feel a bit like a jerk lol.
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I only scanned the replies so I'm not sure if this has been brought up, but I'm pretty sure it has. If so, I'm here to reinforce the belief. Beauty, in my eyes, is completely fake. It annoys me to no end to hear people judging other people for their figures, looks, whatever.
In the animal kingdom mates are picked by their physical attributes, most of them revolving around their abilities at fighting/fending off danger and providing food. Yes, this is also similar to how humans pick their mates. But as humans we have more attributes than that. Sure, we have muscles, or big breasts, but at the same time we have our brains. We have our knowledge, our humor, our passions and hobbies. All of those things, to me at least, are how I define beauty.
In my opinion, the media version of 'beauty' can drop dead. Beauty isn't defined by things like big breasts or expensive clothes, but rather the person underneath said things. And as it turns out, a lot of the self proclaimed 'beautiful people' tend to be the least beautiful of all, in my definition of the word.
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I only scanned the replies so I'm not sure if this has been brought up, but I'm pretty sure it has. If so, I'm here to reinforce the belief. Beauty, in my eyes, is completely fake. It annoys me to no end to hear people judging other people for their figures, looks, whatever.
i agree with this statement... but, it's natural for human beings to become self conscious about the way that they look. that's just the way it is. you can drill into people that it doesn't matter, but it won't make a difference. plus, if i may add and quote a heavily over-used quote; "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". there is no such thing as 'true beauty'. some men would be completely satisfied with a woman with big breasts, but that doesn't make them wrong, just easily satisfied. there's nothing wrong with that either.
@katie~
i would like to say that you should relax. i'm not saying that it's not worth worrying about, or that it -is- worth worrying about. the one important element of relaxing is not not, by any means, let it take over your entire life. if you relax, you'll eventually start to introspect about it from many different angles and lights.
i hope this helps
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People also can have very cruel attitudes, in which case you shouldn't bother with their bullshit. Being less than a Barbie doesn't make someone too ugly to love or mean that, physically and otherwise, there aren't things worth appreciating about them. Some people consider being condescending and gossipy a form of ugly, too.
As for your personality flaws, there are always going to be people who mind and people who don't. It's inescapable for even the most beautiful of people; the good and the bad. What we need isn't the personal approval of the world at large, but the love of people who think our set of pros are worth our cons.
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just dont care, if you find someone that really loves you for who you are, then that's the one to love. of course, you have to love him too.
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After everyone here just put great advise out here, I havnt read all of it.. But if your BF is ganna be like dat, then he knows nothing on compliments.. I personally do not look for attractiveness on the outside, its whats on the inside. I think the real ugly is those who arnt nice and judge one that isnt pretty, or whatever.. Ugly is what is on the inside, the outer shell of your looks is like an ilusion.. It may cover your true self.. or anything.. If I were that bf, id say.. you know.. no matter what anyone says, you are very beautiful.. But i mean it by what is about you. Dont feel down about yourself, I dont know you much.. but I just want you to know..
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Thanks, Black Unicorn.
This is all great advice and I appreciate it and am really looking up latley. ^_^ I'm using what I have to be beautiful, and I feel great every day.
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1 is glad to help :)
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I'll start off by saying I only read the first few replies because I had to make one of my own!
First off, I know how you feel. I fit almost all of the things you said about yourself. Thing is, I have learned that the way others feel about you isn't what matters. What you feel about yourself is what really matters. See the beauty in yourself and let it show so everyone else can see it too. Remember that the stuck-up, self-important girls of the world can never be as happy as a girl who has found her inner beauty. It isn't who you know or what you look like that makes you who you are... It's what you do and how you think about the world around you. You are loved and you are beautiful, no matter what.
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Queen - Somebody To Love (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56vAAGQDKJw#ws)
Post Merge: October 19, 2011, 02:31:53 AM
Even the greatest among us have these issues. Don't feel bad, though.
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I'm going to start by saying that I know how you feel. I've wrestled with my self esteem my entire life and still do. I carry around a lot of self hatred with me for reasons that are not important to this particular conversation. But like others have said you have to look for the positive. You have to try to believe your boyfriend. My boyfriend tells me I"m beautiful several times a day and I have a hard time believing him.
But here's the part I'm probably going to catch some crap for but I want everybody to understand that this is the most honest advice I can possibly give and it comes from experience.
If there is something you honestly do not like about yourself that is fixable then fix it. Don't do it for anybody else. Do it for yourself, so you can be happy. I'm sorry if it seems harsh but it's the truth. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with you as you are or that you HAVE to fix anything. But if there is something you can do for yourself to make you happier then stop making excuses and do it.
It's not easy work but if you truly want something you should be willing to work for it.
- I didn't like my weight. I did some research, changed my eating habits and started exercising. I went from 220 to 143. I have a little bit more to go but I'm much happier with my body now and it was worth the work, blood, sweat and tears. There is no such thing as not enough time to take care of your health and your body. It only takes 30 minutes a day to start getting on the right track with exercise and it will save your life.
- I don't like my obsessive compulsive behavior. So every day as painful as it is for me I expose myself to something that sets off my OCD. In three years of this I have come so far. I can now sit down and have a meal with somebody without wanting to punch them in the face for eating. I can now tolerate people chewing gum as long as they keep their mouth closed. I can now walk through my house without rearranging everything 'just right'. I still have some more things to over come but I'm working on it.
- I don't like my tendency towards selfishness. I am admittedly a very selfish person and most of the things I do, I do them because I'm going to get something out of it. So every day I try to do something selfless for somebody whether it's my boyfriend or coworkers or friends or strangers.
I am not special. I am not the only person in this world who it changing themselves for the better.
I promise that if you set small goals for yourself you will feel so much better and happier with yourself once you start achieving them. You just have to want to do it.
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Well, I'm glad you can see some root causes of your idea that you are "Ugly". The people making fun of you because of your looks, everyone has that, even supermodels get that sometimes.
And I would assume that not 90% of your town isn't "Beautiful", but instead you look so far down upon yourself anyone but you is beautiful in one way or another.
And I doubt your boyfriend, if he is truly as good as a person as I would believe he is, wouldn't care if you were so unattractive, he would still love you.
And I know how this feels too. But the first step to having a problem is admitting you have one, or in this case, admitting your problem is THINKING you have one.
All I'm saying is, try to change your view. Focus on the postive. Look at how much better you look than others.