The Furry Forums
Furry Chat => Rants and Advice => Topic started by: Kaprika on April 04, 2011, 01:26:39 AM
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i have a story i want to share with you all...it is not a rant...not an advice thread.....its more of sharing. this is a little bit personal to share with a forum i realize..but whom else can i talk to...other then the people i feel have become my new family, that took me in. loved me at face value and accepts me no matter what.
parts of this story are a little graphic emotionaly and idealy, but are all %100 percent true and are not exaggerated in any way. this is me...reaching out from my dark thoughts and memories to mabey reach out and touch someone..wether a fellow sufferer or just someones heart.. this is a story of a daughter that was born with no mother.
the deception began before i even knew i had begun myself...she was a woman of no real status as was he..a seemingly decent marriage, up until you peel back just the top layer. if you looked under him..you saw nothing, but if you looked under hers...you saw a gold digger...a woman with no values other than her own gratification..total disregard for the sanctity of a marriage. and about 5 other men beyond that. i was fairly far along inside her..as was her unfaithfulness. before they had me there were many unsightly blemishes on her "habits" and he begged her to stop, but she saw no other needs but to her own. even being with child didnt deter her. my mother had long since decided to leave my father, she had expensive tastes and wanted to move up in the world so she was to take her pick from his friends and sure enough found her "sugardaddy" in his closest military friend. i never had the chance to have a whole family, as i was to be born into one that was split before i was even to be. however the divorce didnt happen for a while...she thought she had time, but they were discovered and he had finnaly had enough. but she wasnt going to let him have that gratification so she called off there marriage herself...so then i was to have a year or so of visitation rights with this man whom i did not know to be my father...from a early age i was brainwashed into believing this new man was my father....punishements were dealt out to those whom didnt use the word "father" over his proper name. and with enough spankings i learned his new name...daddy.
his existance was wiped from history, pictures..presents. for many years i was to not know of his existance. and even when i did discover i had a true father..i was punished for asking..and told horrible awful lies about him so she could make me think he was a terrible abusive man and she had to keep him from our happy little lives, to cover her lie.
many things happened from then to this new time...a time of lockers and bells..fresman year. the entire time from the age of three i was a mental "complication". from the age of three i was to be heavily medicated until i barely functioned. i had to experience hallucinations...swings of depression..i was deemed unfit for "normal" classes and was to be in the special classes for my entire school life..from elementary school till i graduated highschool. but thats gettiing to far, where i was at was in a pit of zero self worth. i was my mothers possession, i was a lost cause, i wasnt normal, i needed medication to BE normal or at least likeable, and above all i was nothing without my mother. there was nothing i could do to make myself of any value to anyone, and all i could do was underachieve. classes were easy because i was far more advanced then anything special ED had to offer, but dispite what the teachers said she still kept me in there. which really only acedemicaly crippled me so that later on when i joined college i was far below anything they had to teach. but when i was a freshman i met a person that was to be my undooing...he stole from me something that i had already had stolen from me as a child..but it still horryfied me, how any person could force themselves on another like that. i hid it for the longest time...but when it finnaly came to light my mother was informed....and oh was she furious.
i did it for attention she said...i lied she said...it takes two she said....she told me that she had never been more embarrased in her life of me. and i was to be grounded for months. i was devastated...
if this wasnt enough..i turned 18 and had the choice to meet my father for the first time...my sister met him and got to visit when she turned of age, but when it came my time i was forbade to meet this man. me and my sister snuck out and went regardless but what we came back to was a locked door with a new doorknob so we couldnt get in...eventualy we were let back in, but my sister was kicked out and i was grounded...not to speak to anyone. my brother punished for talking to me, and i was to not exist for 3 weeks. i was not allowed from my room..computer passwords were changed..phones disassembled and hidden and i was not allowed to talk to the family or eat with the family...i was in a prison.
meals i had to get myself and eat in my room away from everyone else, and i had to stay in the house. though when she left id sneak out and make calls at my neighbors so my friends would know im ok, but it was maddening. no human contact sitting in my room for 3 weeks..all because i met my father.
im 19 now..im at the end of my rope and i can no longer take it...every single day im job hunting, and each day my mother tells me im a waste. if i dont like her rules i can leave. she is the boss. i am ungrateful. im lazy. im not trying. so i finnaly move out and leave....not a word of warning and i grab my things and leave..she never hears from me again, though that doesnt stop her from hunting me. a few months later i get a email from her showing my adress...and every record she could find of every person in the house and there family and where they lived too... until the situation i was now in eventualy had me sent back...she was more than happy to take me, now she could flaunt it.
"i knew she would come crawling back" was how it was described..while at first i was surprised i was allowed back so openly, i thought mabey she had changed..she even defended me to my stepfather who wasnt going to let me back. but then my hopes crushed..not even a whole week after being home again and its "you dont do things as i say..you can pack your things and get out." nothing had changed...she still had utter control and flaunted it to me daily...reasserting that she was the one that ran me, and that i was never getting out. never once did it seem she even wanted me there but i knew the truth...i knew that i was all she enjoyed. me being there was her favorite thing, because she had a toy that bent to her will because i knew i had to.
21...i leave...i dont tell her where im living now. i pray that i never have to see her again. but no, she will not let me go. so she stalks..my friends she goes after and asks for my adress...my boss she goes to my work and asks him...online she tries to cozy up to my mates parents and get them to tell..she sends me text after text saying "tell mother where you live before she comes looking for you" over and over....emails with threats "tell your sweet mommy where you are like a good loving daughter before i find you OTHER ways and it wont be to your liking."
this isnt a mother...i dont know what she ever was. but what she did was starve me of a family. i never knew what a mother could be...i never got to be with the man that was my father..and when i think of family....the WORD. i get sick...
most days...i dont think of her...but the other days i feel sorrow...anger...longing.
i wonder why did it go that way...why was i beyond basic love...what was so wrong with me, was i that unloveable?
i feel anger...why did i have to go through that..what did i do to earn that sort of family...
i feel lost......when all the people around me have close family bonds, i feel jealous and at the same time hateful of them.
is there anyone else like me..? is there anyone else that feels the cold body of a stone when they reach inside themselves to wish to touch the warmth of a caring family?
id have written more of my tale, but i dont think this forum has enough space for all the injustices and battles ive fought with my family..and this really was to focus more on my mother. but may i know...if anyone else out there feels what i do?
and to those that bothered to read this entire thing....thank you..i feel were even closer you having seen a portion of my journey.
....*hugs tightly*
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I'm so sorry, Kaprika, I can't even imagine what things must have been for you growing up.
People like that can go die, to treat their own daughter like that is worse then disgraceful, people like them shouldn't be allowed to even be called human.
You just remember that you are a talented, kind and overall amazing person, it's not your fault in the slightest.
No matter what happens you have everyone here on the forums behind you 100%
Thank you for sharing this.
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I'm so sorry, Kaprika, I can't even imagine what things must have been for you growing up.
People like that can go die, to treat their own daughter like that is worse then disgraceful, people like them shouldn't be allowed to even be called human.
You just remember that you are a talented, kind and overall amazing person, it's not your fault in the slightest.
No matter what happens you have everyone here on the forums behind you 100%
Thank you for sharing this.
thanks..im so glad i have this forum, for some reason its easier for me to reach out and TALK than to people i know in RL.
i am talented..and all those other things...i just often forget having ben raised to have no self worth...im lucky to have people wiling to redily remind me of those things
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*Huggles tightly* I can't say I know how yuu feel, but /i can say i know how it feels to come from a dysfunctional family. If yuu ever want to talk about anything, I'm here to listen.
And no matter what, don't think that any of that stuff defines yuu, yuu are what yuu make yuurself, and from what i know, yuur a beautiful, talented, amazing person.
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It's been a long time since the flames of my fury have burned so hot, they feel cold.
Your "mother" isn't human. She's an evil, soul sucking vampire of the worst kind. She and the rest of her kind don't even come close to deserving the life they've been given.
I've had my own experience with people like that. My adoptive dad was intensely verbally and psychologically abusive. To the point that I would be silently begging him to hit me so I could go to my teacher or principal with the proof and have him arrested for child abuse. I nearly killed him three times. To this day I'm amazed that I managed to restrain myself and not act on those desires. Thankfully, he's no longer a part of my life.
Whatever happens, know that we have your back. And feel free to PM me if the mood ever strikes. I know more that I would've wanted to about what it's like to be haunted by your own personal demons.
There is not a single thing wrong with you, or anything of the sort that would make you unlovable. The problem was that your "mother" is a sick, twisted excuse of a life form that needs to strangle the life out of others in order to survive. She is a parasite, nothing more. The problem is hers, and hers alone.
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*hugs Kaprika* I only wish that I could do more to help you feel better. Your art is amazing. :)
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wow, she's a ton worse than my mother. there ain't nothin' wrong with you kaprika, some people just were never meant to be parents, and they become oppressive and overbearing. the most you can do is just put the past behind you, lock inner demons away, and focus on the life you're living. you're an amazing person and i'm sure you have an amazing mate, focus on that life now
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I think you need to call the men in the white jackets to take back their prize. Shes stalking you. Threatning you. She, in her mind-set, just put up with you fo rthe money benifits. back mto my original point though. She can't be doing that. That goes against basic human rights and the Geneva Convention. I have never been through that, but I have had the feeling of that in nightmares, but no way in hell is that even close to the real thing. The most I could offer you is a smile, kind words, and the thought of getting her some help. I understand if you don't want to call the men in the whitew jackets, but it might help get rid of this thing she does.
One last thing: And people think furries are crazy.
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I've got nothing to say that hasn't been said already. I wish I could come with some words of comfort somehow, but all I can think of is that you should remember that this has made you incredibly strong. You were forced to live a life nobody should have to experience, simple downers like being told off for not cleaning your room or not hanging your coat on the hanger probably rubs off like beads of water on swan feathers. And you are indeed a swan; beautiful, powerful and someone others can look up to. Many people love you and with good reason.
Do not give up.
And remember that we will be here.
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>:3 Here's a good idea, why don't we start a petition to see who's willing to play along, you could give us the witch phone number and we all together can text and send her a message the next time she sends you one. Nothing threatening accourse, cuz we are all just worried friends informing a friend's psycho staker mom to leave her daughter alone. Because if she's trying to find you, we can at least inform her that we will find her to talk to her personally. And if you flood her phone with over a hundred messages till it's so full it can't take anymore from so many people backing you she'll have to back off or risk a hoard of furries coming to her house. >:3 If she wants to hunt you she will have to hear the voices of people that will hunter her down and will defend you if we must go that far. Two can play a hunting game, but if we can get at least a hundred people involved wouldn't that be fun.
I wish I had more money and a house of my own cuz you'd be more than welcomed to come hide out in NYC with me and my family even though there aren't many jobs, but being an artist in nyc is awesome. And I'm sorry you've had to live through that, and I want to help but I don't really know where to begin cuz I've only known you for such a short time but this is all I can think of.
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>:3 Here's a good idea, why don't we start a petition to see who's willing to play along, you could give us the witch phone number and we all together can text and send her a message the next time she sends you one. Nothing threatening accourse, cuz we are all just worried friends informing a friend's psycho staker mom to leave her daughter alone. Because if she's trying to find you, we can at least inform her that we will find her to talk to her personally. And if you flood her phone with over a hundred messages till it's so full it can't take anymore from so many people backing you she'll have to back off or risk a hoard of furries coming to her house. >:3 If she wants to hunt you she will have to hear the voices of people that will hunter her down and will defend you if we must go that far. Two can play a hunting game, but if we can get at least a hundred people involved wouldn't that be fun.
oh trust me...ive got plenty of people that know my mother. some even said they would think its worth it to go to prison just to erase her from this earth.
but i just wish her to leave me alone...i want to be able to move on, but she wont let me...every time i think im finnaly rid of her i hear her strike again..she is gonna find me sooner or later.
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Is a restraining order an option?
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Is a restraining order an option?
long story short..no
i already tried, its not illegal in MD to threaten people apparently..its only a crime once theyve already done it
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Is a restraining order an option?
long story short..no
i already tried, its not illegal in MD to threaten people apparently..its only a crime once theyve already done it
Wow. That is...particularly messed up.
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I know how you feel. I have a horrible mother as well. If it wasnt for my father, i think i would have snapped a long time ago.
I hate my mother for everything she did to me and my father. We lost 3 jobs that dad tried to make from scratch. I lost the house that i was going to get when i got older she made us loose that only to prove a point that dad would fail... but he didnt fail she just had nothing better to do than to trip people.
I've had thoughts about taking her out my self... I hate it. I shouldn't have though's thoughts about my own mother, but shes not my mum anymore, shes a beast.
She doesn't work, eats all day, barley does anything and nags that she doesn't have more. She ruind what could have been a good life for me. But no, every day as a kid she had to start arguments, she was afraid of things that didnt exist. We always had to do what she wanted to.
My dads not a push over... he thought if things got bad enough, she would learn that she has to do something, however little... it just made it worse.
I hate her also cause she made me feel emotionally numb. Other than anger and depression i rarely if ever feel any other emotion. I had to fake alot of them. I'll never forgive her for making me like this, i hate it. I wish i could feel happy for something longer than a second.
I dont treat her like a human anymore, I lost my house, some of my friends, what use to be a kind dad, my emotions.
I could go on but im kind of tired and probably making no cents
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I know how you feel. I have a horrible mother as well. If it wasnt for my father, i think i would have snapped a long time ago.
I hate my mother for everything she did to me and my father. We lost 3 jobs that dad tried to make from scratch. I lost the house that i was going to get when i got older she made us loose that only to prove a point that dad would fail... but he didnt fail she just had nothing better to do than to trip people.
I've had thoughts about taking her out my self... I hate it. I shouldn't have though's thoughts about my own mother, but shes not my mum anymore, shes a beast.
She doesn't work, eats all day, barley does anything and nags that she doesn't have more. She ruind what could have been a good life for me. But no, every day as a kid she had to start arguments, she was afraid of things that didnt exist. We always had to do what she wanted to.
My dads not a push over... he thought if things got bad enough, she would learn that she has to do something, however little... it just made it worse.
I hate her also cause she made me feel emotionally numb. Other than anger and depression i rarely if ever feel any other emotion. I had to fake alot of them. I'll never forgive her for making me like this, i hate it. I wish i could feel happy for something longer than a second.
I dont treat her like a human anymore, I lost my house, some of my friends, what use to be a kind dad, my emotions.
I could go on but im kind of tired and probably making no cents
i know what you mean about that emontionaly numb..i have to fake alot of things to....just a hour ago i wondered to myself..is it ok if i sometimes have to force myself to say "i love you" back to my mate?...
cause some days i feel like...a statue, like i want and love nothing..and i feel mournful for the feelings that are not there. i wonder if shes made something wrong with me....
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I thought moving out would solve my mother issues but according to you they will not. the best thing to do is find some charges to press against her in order to gain a restraining order. maybe get her for harassment?
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i already said criminal charges wasnt a option..i just have to wait till she comes after me
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it's possible to block her from your cell phone. you can call your cell provider about it
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In a way i know how you feel. my chide hood wasn't the best it sucked. It was never to the extreme that yours was, allthough like you i have lost emotions ( i still have some ) . kaprika remember you are a amazing person both inside and out and you are not worthless, you have a purpose, you cant undo what time has done but you can change what time hasn't started to do. just keep walking one paw in front of the other and dont look back. if you need to remove any and all contact with your mom. where all here for you, if you need some one to talk to about ( and you dont want to post on tff) we can chat on skype , msn or face book. have you told your mate about this? maybe he can help you.
* hugs kaprika*
skype: icy.wolf
msn: [email protected]
facebook: anthony icywolf wolf
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I dunno how Maryland can limit this, but if I remember correctly: it is a Federal crime (not limited to state, mind you) to verbally-abuse and stalk individuals, even though it's handled on a local LEO level. But if you want to take it a step further than that, look into the Freedom of Information Act and its most recent amendment for how she's managing to stalk you, because she's possibly breaking another law in how she's getting information about you.
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I dunno how Maryland can limit this, but if I remember correctly: it is a Federal crime (not limited to state, mind you) to verbally-abuse and stalk individuals, even though it's handled on a local LEO level. But if you want to take it a step further than that, look into the Freedom of Information Act and its most recent amendment for how she's managing to stalk you, because she's possibly breaking another law in how she's getting information about you.
This^
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Wow...I've had similiar experiences so close to share....luckily for me they are gone now but I am so sorry you still have to deal with a ***** like that.
My past step mother was the same thing with me when I was a little girl, the 5th through 8th grade I believe. It was like a literal Cinderella relationship...add a shy, homework-hating, dreamy girl like me and a pompous step brother and it would be complete. I was expected to do a lot of work, not that others didn't share the same effort and not that I'm complaining about having chores, work is a good thing...BUT if I messed up one little thing, did not cut the grass to the precise centimeter, missed one spot on a dish, didn't dust one shelf well enough...I was expected to go back and do it all again after I was yelled at and called lazy and worthless. Meanwhile, her son, who had the same chores, always seemed to get them perfect....he was never yelled at...When he would ask to play video games it was yes...when I did, it was no. It got to the point where I was so nervous to ask if I could do anything that I thought about just how to ask her for hours and sometimes chickened out of asking something so simple like: 'can I play a video game?'
Her son, Cody, was the favorite. He was so well liked and got so many things he wanted. Didn't get in trouble like I did. If his friends called, he could talk to them for hours. If my friend called, I was yelled at: 'your friends shouldn't be calling the house! tell us before your friends call!'
All my talents were crushed. She was always asking me why I wrote stories and when I told her 'for fun,' she accused me of rolling my eyes, literally kicked me, and said 'why do you even do that? all you ever do is steal ideas from other people! these stories can never be published'....so she was also a snoop. She got into all of my notebooks and read all my stories and diaries without asking. And that wasn't the only spying she would do. She would often poke her head in my room then leave without a word.
Once I was doing bad in a class because I was too depressed to do my work, and my punishment was very similar to the one you described: I was locked in my room for weeks. After I got home from school I went to my room and the door was closed. No phone, nothing. All I had was my homework, my stories and art, and a radio. I was not allowed to eat or do things with the family. Just stay locked in the room. I could leave only to go to the bathroom and to eat a seperate meal from everyone else under her careful watch. This went on for weeks, even on weekends I was locked in my room ALL DAY, going crazy. My room was in the basement, so I had no way to sneak out cause she'd catch me.
Once I came home from a friends house with make-up on....I was so happy because everyone at school always called me ugly and finally someone offered to give a make over....She ordered me to the basement, to my room, ripped off my glasses and threw them, grabbed my face and smeared the make up all over till my face was black, pulled my hair (she noticed it was straight now) till it hurt and commanded me to go and clean it all off, now. A plate of dinner was thrown at me by my father who was mad that I had to come home early (he hated driving to pick me up), then I was sent to my room for the next day.
She made me so scared that I WANTED to stay in my room to get away from her mean comments and stares.
She made me so scared that I TRIED COMMITTING SUICIDE while at my grandmothers in the hope that I would never have to go back to her house.
My dad finally saw how she was treating me, and him one morning, saw the light. They had an argument about whether I was supposed to eat with the family or not, and she ended up slapping him. He said his spouse could never hit him and it was the last straw. We packed up and left.
For a year after, they dated. She scared him because she seemed to be spying on us, what we were doing, where we were going, what e-mail he had and the women he was talking to. Once we came home to see that his stuff had been gone through...she had a key...we thought maybe she broke in and went through his stuff....
Anyway, it is over now. I still have to see her everyday because she works at my school but it is okay. He has a new, wonderfully sweet gf that I love and to my knowledge the old wicked step mother doesn't stalk us anymore.
But I look at you and see you still have to suffer. I am so sorry and wish you do what you think your heart says is right. *gives you hug*
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sorry to hear that Katie, dont think of your self as being ugly, your a wonderful person . when i was in grade school i was called a idiot , ugly , a loser. even the teachers there said the same thing ( indirectly)
when i was a younger my parents would lock me in my room when i got in trouble and if i cried or made to much noise they would hit me. they gave me my dinner but i had to eat it on my room when i was punched. thats what lead me to become anti-social. they stoped locking me in my room by the time i was 6 or 7 but still hit me till i was 9 or 10. they stooped since then
* hugs both you and KaprikaAZ *
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i listed the huge events in my life...YOURS sounds depressingly similar. i had no friends because she had to be in on EVERYTHING. after my friends came over she would take them aside before they went home and interrogate them "so what did you do today, what sort of things does she say, did she do anything strange?" and just..wanted them to evaluate how i was that day..they got so tired of it they would never come back..and other kids she would force them to play with me by talking tot here parents and having them send there kid over.
my half brother was sorta like your brother...but he was younger and the favorite cause she alwase wanted a son. he was lazy, gross, whiney and could get away with MURDER. i did all the chores that included but was not limited to mowing the lawn, dishes loading and unloading, vaccuming, cleaning my room, cleaning HIS room, cleaning the bathroom which also included me getting on my hands and knees to scrub his piss stains off the floor tiles cause he never bothered to aim. he sat around watching TV ALL day and if you asked him to so much as pick his shoes up off from the stairs he went into a screaming rage about how he is a slave in this house and we never leave him alone. i wanted to strangle that child in his sleep every day, i was practicaly his personal servant. he says jump, and i have to jump or else he will tell mom and SHE would make me do it.
punishments for me were either her grabbing a fistful of my hair and screaming in my face and dragging me to my room to toss me to my bed and scream some more, or she would call stepdad into the room to do some heavy duty terrifying and mabey some ass beating. if she didnt want to do the dirty work she would just get him to do it for her.
one time..when i was in middleschool, my mom was getting in the car with me to take me to school cause i missed my bus and she asked me if i did my homework, so i told her that i did but not all the way cause i wanted to get a little advice from my classmate and she flipped out on me. so she turned in her seat and screamed "give me your gameboy" now this is my gameboy that i bought with my own money so i said no. she responded by reaching back grabbing my hair and pulling hard screaming right into my face till spit splattered on me "GIVE ME THE GAMEBOY!" so crying i gave it to her and she slammed it on the dashboard and pulled out and drove..the whole way she screamed "STOP CRYING, STOP CRYING RIGHT NOW!" and i couldnt and was hyperventalating so she opened the window and threw my gameboy out the window
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Kaprika, you are to be commended for not killing her. I came within a hair's breadth of killing my adoptive father three times for what he put me through, he wasn't nearly the kind of psychotic monster you've dealt with.
Maybe it's my lingering anger issues talking here, but how you didn't kill her for all this I do not know.
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Kaprika, you are to be commended for not killing her. I came within a hair's breadth of killing my adoptive father three times for what he put me through, he wasn't nearly the kind of psychotic monster you've dealt with.
Maybe it's my lingering anger issues talking here, but how you didn't kill her for all this I do not know.
i assure you...if often fantasize about how id take them all out..it would be when there all asleep..my father first since he is the biggest and strongest. then id bind my mother so i could torture my brother in front of her to see what kind of monster she made me into..then her slowly and painfuly. but then id remember that im NOT as bats*** insane as she is and that im the most normal one in the house...and just go back to wishing for the day that i dont have to deal with all of them anymore
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omg, i cant begin to imagine what you went through, if i went through what you did i would have gone crazy. you must have the will of a saint. at least your not livening with her any more. i am praying for you that you dont have to go back to her, and no one has to go through what you have. have you told your mate what has happened.
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Wow Kaprika. There are no words I can use to describe how shocked and moved I was in reading this about you...I can't imagine what you went through and am appalled that there are human beings on this planet that are this cruel and terrible. I shudder to even to begin to imagine what you went through. I was sitting here whining about how my life wasn't going well...and then I read this. *Hugs tightly* I am very very sorry to see that this happened to YOU of all people (Let alone anyone) and wish I could do something more to help you cope with these traumatic events. I agree with Icy on this one: You must have the will of a saint because if it was me...let's just say I wouldn't be very "sane" anymore...
I give you my support and pray that this never happens to anyone. As well I will hold you in my prayers from now on.
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oh...i almost forgot the one time..
this is good..
me and her got into a fight, and she lost royaly..she she turned around and informed my therapist i tried to commit suicide and had me sent to the mental ward for 2 weeks. she didnt call once, and i even missed easter.
now THAT was bad
its hard to feel beautiful and as wonderful as you all say most days...im self conchious, i have zero self worth..i ask myself everyday how anyone can like me. i beat on myself cause i feel that im crap and i deserve to be miserable..
though art has been the one thing i could alwase turn to...my mother could play her mind games with me all she wanted..but art was the one thing she could never take away from me.
she could steal my diary and read it and punish me for what i wrote all she wanted..
she could delve through my internet history and yell at me for anything weird that she wanted...
she could even have jhon beat my ass for something my little brother made up just to see me cry in fear..
but my art was something i could turn to each and every time..i could express myself all i wanted, she could tell me she thinks it sucks..and more often than not she would tear it down..destroy it..and tell me my art is bad, and i should draw other things like happy people..portraits and puppies and give up my "fantasy" crap..
....*cries*.. im away from her like ive alwase wanted...but i still have to carry that same fear ive alwase had that in the end she will get ahold of me..in the end she is still in control and ill alwase be her property.
i want to feel genuinely free, and....feel like a person...like i matter......
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She is NOT in control and you don't have to fear jack squat.
Don't give in to this fear always letting it bother you...that's what she wants you to do!
You have your own brain and your own emotions. Do not deny the power to use them how you see fit. You don't have to let her become a problem in your head.
Ignore her. Ignore all thoughts of her. Like it or not, the type of stalking you described is a crime in any state because it IS threatening you. There's no reason for someone as old as you to have to move back in with mum. She wants to get you back so she can hurt you. And unless you wanna be hurt it's time to move on.
Better yet, make her fear you. I've made many potential bullies steer clear of me. See how she likes it when you turn the tables on her.
Get buff. Either show her that she doesn't affect you or take her head on.
DON'T let yourself become a victim. That would be foolish no matter what.
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Kaprika, you matter to me, i may only know you through tff but you still matter and you have self worth. Tell her that you are free from her and you WILL obtain a restrain order, tell her your not scared of her and her false promises and threats don't scare you at all, make her feel bad tell her she nothing, shes worse then a parasite and if she trys to find you tell her you will take imitate action to insure she will be in prison.
sorry if some of that sounded like a strong hate, but you have to make her fear you in ways that are legal so the law cant be used ageist you.
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she isnt afraid of me..she never has been. in her eyes there is nothing i could do or WOULD do that she couldnt worm herself out of...she can just claim she is a worried mother wanting to see how her daughter is...
...she works in the fire dpeartment..she has all the local cops and sherrifs on speed dial...there all friends and know one another well, doing anything legal would be hard..cause its my word against hers as far as theyre concerned
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You are making excuses to be scared! It doesn't matter what or who she is or who she thinks she is, she has no power over you. You are letting her have power over you with these excuses. I'm not saying they aren't true but they ARE excuses that continue to stomp you down and prevent you from doing what you need to.
If you want to stop living in fear, if you want to get over this, you have GOT to either move on or stand up.
Hate to be brutal, but honestly I care about you, and I'm just trying to help you.
You CAN RUIN her if you wanted, do you understand me? You could turn those friends of hers against her more easily than you think. Be trustworthy and believeable and get to the heart of the matter you can make them believe you.
Or you could move on. You are an adult woman now. You can forget all about her and fill that hole in your heart with something better. Just ignore the messages. There is no law that mothers need to see their children. She can't press that in court or anything else! You know who can press charges or file in this case? YOU can if you want to!
Either forget her or do something about her, but doing nothing and letting it get to you only feeds the monster that is her.
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I tell you what i know right now is she is afraid of you because your out of her control. when you take that way you take everything from them. I know first hand my biological father would get along real nice with her it sounds like. My biological had to have full control over the entire family you went out when you got home you would get intrigated where you go what did you do. nothing you ever did was good enough you never will amount to anything. He even went as far as calling me names such as fatass, pussy so on and so forth. I found a name on the internet that describes him (I dunno why i even refer to him as a him it should be a IT) to a T really "narcissist" He even had my sister arrested at the age of 16 for threatening him lol this is how messed up he is. my mother left him 4 or 5 times always going back in the end. you didn't jump when he said jump you got locked away in your room for weeks at a time. I was beaten with a belt out of anger i dunno how many times. My sister was the favorite until i got out at 17. my sister is 5 yrs younger than me all she had to do was scream i would get beaten with a belt. i was thrown had stuff thrown at me by both parents. my mother some what protected me but she never did stand up to him till i did. since i could pick up a stick i was forced to go out every weekend no matter the weather and cut wood with him no big deal till you consider how broken he is and how much of the work i was forced to do i never seen any of the money its not like we did it for the roof over our head either. he worked hvy construction on high ways at 16 17 an hr back in the 90s. his vision of a house was something held together with spray foam over 120 yrs old trees and grass would grow up in the walls. this place was 15 miles from the nearest town of 100 population. i never had any friends till i was 13 and thrown into public school from home school. even then i was a social out cast. My only friend was fear that i used to keep all the others away. my size from all that hard labor payed off in the end. when i got out at 17 he tried to track me down contacted me like your mother is doing to you. finally i had enough i met him one last time. he thought by standing between me and the wooden door he could stop me from leaving well just to give you a picture I stand 6,1 6,2 in my boots 300 lbs i have been known to pick up the back end of a ford ranger. i put him through the door and told him if he ever contacted me again i would make sure he would never be found. im 21 now i have yet to hear a peep from him. the last time my mother left him was when i put him through the door she claim that she got me out but she never stood up to him till i did. all those years growing she would talk to me for advise on what she should do. i was forced to grow up fast never really had a child hood i had to defend my own mother and support her emotionally. she claims to have a close relation ship with me she shares every thing with me including how her new husband is treating her like crap they constantly fight like in the previous marriage. i finally shared with her that i am a furry first she thought i was coming out as gay then after i told her i was a furry she said " So why are you telling me this" like it was burden to tell her something about myself instead of her complaining to me. so much for your close relationship MOTHER. also for some reason when i still lived in that house i would defend my sister. when she actually would screw up i would cover for her. then when she wanted something she would scream and i would get a beating. why i did that i dunno. i guess its because i knew if she got it he could actually hurt her with me not much was left to hurt really. i did have one earthly father though my uncle hes the one that taught me almost everything how to work on cars houses computers taught me to drive. also took in my mother when she left a couple of times and supported us but she always went back. Then i made the mistake of letting on that my uncle was a good father and my biological refused to let me see him for several years after till i got out.
sorry for the long post i thought i would share my story. Just remember one thing they do have a fear that is not having that control over you. Please don't let her scare you or control your life any more I know its hard but eventually the best thing is to either disapeer or stand up to her. you mentioned something along the lines of having a mate in your first post i believe talk with them about it. I did have one friend in high school who i shared every thing with that's what got me though a lot of crap she stood side by side with me were still friends to this day