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Okay, exams are over, and so i can focus on the things i like to do best without worrying about revision.... one of those things is writing....
I originally started this story a while back, and thanks to the help and comments from several people, most notably Asia and Bronze... Anyway, the story has improved vastly (or at least i hope so) ... and so here it is in its new incarnation...
Now remember this is in no way complete, and indeed i keep going back and changing/improving my writing... Now i've got a better storyline set out, ive got better ideas and hopefully i know what to do with them, and as always any help/feedback on my writing will be really, really appreciated :P
As last time i'm going to be posting in rather short sections, because reading great chunks of writing is not very fun ;) This first section remains rather unchanged in the general storyline, but i'd like to say is much better than it was...
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-Colony 2-
-Mining City, Rúsayev-
‘The Regime Needs YOU’
Repetitive beeping broke through hazy dreams, and the dull hum of lighting strips warming up filled the cramped steel bedroom. A dark haired and unshaven man groped for the alarm and, when he failed to hit the snooze button, retreated back under the covers of his bed.
“Good morning Citizen Jareth, what a wonderful day it is...” The monotonous service-drone whirred into life, as Jareth tried in vain to pull the covers further over his head. The machine was an old design, large and roughly box shaped, with a single red photoceptor ‘eye’. It flickered on, as the fluorescent strips finally burst into life with a loud -plink-. The bright light reflected off the metallic body of the machine, its chrome finish long since dulled and scratched. “The temperature outside is a balmy 68⁰C, and there is a general warning for another dust storm this afternoon. Though only the few, above-ground levels are likely to be affected...”
Jareth squinted, trying to block out the worst of the glaring light. Grunting, he rolled over onto his side, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He ran his fingers through his unwashed and tangled hair, as he looked groggily around his small, steel-walled room. He muttered to himself, his voice low and hoarse with the sound of someone only just woken up. “Shut up... ugh, where am I?”
The service drone whirred for precisely five seconds, before deciding to respond...
“You are on the second colony of the Algeron system, set up as a mining planet over two-hundred years ago by the people of the settlement. You are currently in level -5,500 of the lower sector of the colonial City ‘Rúsayev’. The second colony is located in the alpha quadrant of the...”
Jareth clasped his head in his hands, as he tried in vain to block out the talkative drone “No, no, no. Obviously I know where I am, you stupid machine... I was just talking to myself.” But the automaton continued its rambling explanation regardless. Jareth groaned again, looking between it, and the high-pitched alarm clock.
“Drone, please.... shut up... Oh for the Regime’s sake, shut... up!” Jareth grabbed his still beeping clock and hurled it at the machine, missed spectacularly and smashed the clock against the opposite steel wall. A silence dropped over the room as Jareth sighed in frustration. The Drone whirred smoothly, and its photoceptor flickered twice before replying in the same flat tone...
“Would you like me to order you a new alarm clock, citizen Jareth?”
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So yeah, feedback would be very helpfull... Also im gonna attatch the front cover type thing i made in word (yeah.. that took waaay to long to make ;) )
Also, the name of the City is still work in progress... and im unsure whether to keep it as it is or change it...
[attachment deleted by admin]
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Ah the rewrite. It's good, it's cleaner, better. It holds together faar more effectively than it used to. There are still minor issues, but as far as I can see, you've generally got things going quite well.
large and roughly box shaped
You could just say boxy. Some people think that the less words you have, the better. I agree with them.
rubbing his eyes tiredly
I'm not sure tiredly is a word, and even if it is, adverbs are dangerous. They're easy to use and betray laziness or inexperience. If you can say it any other way, then do so because it would probably flow better. For example
rubbing his tired eyes
he looked groggily around his small, steel-walled room
In this instance, maybe an adverb is okay, but i don't think it works in this sentence and I think you're missing a trick when you simply deploy the word "groggily." It allows you to leave it as groggily and not dig into it and get people to feel his lethargy. You could do something like
groggily, he swung his gaze across his small room of steel walls.
the sound of someone only just woken up
You're telling instead of showing. We know he's just woken up but you're not getting the reader to feel it. Describe what someone who's just woken up sounds like.
“Shut up... ugh, where am I?”
The service drone whirred for precisely five seconds, before deciding to respond...
“You are on the second colony of the Algeron system, set up as a mining planet over two-hundred years ago by the people of the settlement. You are currently in level -5,500 of the lower sector of the colonial City ‘Rúsayev’. The second colony is located in the alpha quadrant of the...”
That still feels rather jarring to me. The phrase "where am I?" has no descriptors to suggest to the audience that he's not literally asking where he is. It seems like a tool you're using in order to pump out the information about the world he lives in. An excuse for exposition.
Jareth groaned again, looking between it, and the high-pitched alarm clock.
So the alarm clock's still going, right? That means there's a lot of noise. Show that, make us feel its sounds stabbing into our ears, and let us feel the monotony of the drone like an endless headache. That way the clock throwing comes less out of nowhere.
But yeah, those are what I would fix, and remember there's always something to fix. It's good though. But i need to see more for a true opinion.
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Thanks Asia, i knew i could count on you to help :P
I'l get right on and clean up what you've pointed out, it really helps to have someone else other than myself read it...
Also your examples of how i can improve certain parts help a lot
Post Merge: June 24, 2010, 09:39:42 PM
Okay, i tried to improve on the points you mentioned, as well as just generally smoothed things out/added to it....
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Repetitive beeping broke through hazy dreams, and the dull hum of lighting strips warming up filled the cramped steel bedroom. A dark haired and unshaven man groped for the alarm and, when he failed to hit the snooze button, retreated back under the covers of his bed.
“Good morning Citizen Jareth, what a wonderful day it is...” The monotonous service-drone whirred into life, as Jareth tried in vain to pull the covers further over his head. The machine was an old design, large and boxy, with a single red photoceptor ‘eye’. It flickered on, as the fluorescent strips finally burst into life with a loud -plink-. The bright light reflected off the metallic body of the machine, its chrome finish long since dulled and scratched. “The temperature outside is a balmy 68⁰C, and there is a general warning for another dust storm this afternoon. Though only the few, above-ground levels are likely to be affected...”
Jareth squinted, trying to block out the worst of the glaring light. Grunting, he rolled over onto his side, rubbing his tired eyes. He ran his fingers through his unwashed hair, as he looked groggily around the small, steel-walled room. He muttered to himself, his voice low and hoarse as he struggled to bring his thoughts up to speed. “Just, shut up...” pulling off the thick blanket that still covered him, Jareth clenched his eyes shut and moaned under his breath “ugh, where the frack am I?” Opening them again, he sighed heavily “Well Drone, which work shift am I managing today?”
The service drone whirred for precisely five seconds, before responding... “Today you are running the repair and maintenance shift, in engineer bay #32, citizen... ”
Jareth nodded, heaving himself into a sitting position to climb out of bed. However, the drone had not finished “As to where you are Citizen? This is the second colony of the Algeron system, set up as a mining planet over two-hundred years ago by the people of the settlement.” Jareth held up a hand in an attempt to forestall the machine “That wasn’t really a question...” The machine, however, continued regardless “Currently you are in level -5,500 of the lower sector, in the colonial City ‘Vulga’. The City was first built with intentions...”
Jareth clasped his head in his hands, as he tried in vain to block out the talkative drone “No, no, no. Obviously I know where I am, cut out the history lesson would you? I was just talking to myself.” Unfortunately for Jareth, the automaton continued to ramble. He groaned again, louder this time, looking between the machine, and his high-pitched alarm clock. It was too early, and already his pounding head was bombarded with noise. The alarm’s persistent beep was interlaced with the in-depth and monotonous history of Colonial cities.
Both noises together merged into a single, incomprehensible blur of sound, which thrust itself deep into Jareth’s skull. “Drone, please.... shut up... Oh for the Regime’s sake, shut... up!” Jareth grabbed his still beeping clock and hurled it at the machine, missed spectacularly and smashed it against the opposite steel wall. A silence dropped over the room as Jareth sighed in frustration. The Drone responded by whirring smoothly, and its photoceptor flickered twice, before replying in the same flat tone:
“I am glad to have been of assistance. Would you like me to order you a new alarm clock, Citizen?”
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Particularly about: That still feels rather jarring to me. The phrase "where am I?" has no descriptors to suggest to the audience that he's not literally asking where he is. It seems like a tool you're using in order to pump out the information about the world he lives in. An excuse for exposition
I have tried to extend it, so that it is more descriptive, and adds to the feeling of escalating of annoyance...
Hope its an improvement, and thank you very much for taking the time to read and respond :P
Oh also... I settled on a name for the city... 'Vulga' is actually the name of a famous river in Russia, kinda fitting for a city run by a communist regime ;)
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Uhm, better and I can see what you're doing here, but I think it's a bit rough. But then that's to be expected from a patch-job.
So, issues
“ugh, where the frack am I?” Opening them again, he sighed heavily “Well Drone, which work shift am I managing today?”
The service drone whirred for precisely five seconds, before responding... “Today you are running the repair and maintenance shift, in engineer bay #32, citizen... ”
Jareth nodded, heaving himself into a sitting position to climb out of bed. However, the drone had not finished “As to where you are Citizen? This is the second colony of the Algeron system, set up as a mining planet over two-hundred years ago by the people of the settlement.” Jareth held up a hand in an attempt to forestall the machine “That wasn’t really a question...” The machine, however, continued regardless “Currently you are in level -5,500 of the lower sector, in the colonial City ‘Vulga’. The City was first built with intentions...”
I think I'm never going to be happy with this bit. I just don't think that explaining all this stuff straight away in such a direct manner is really necessary. It's so jarring and just doesn't sound natural at all. It's not emergent dialogue from what i can see. I think you'll need to show this to other people to see what they think, and then decide what to do with it afterwards.
The alarm’s persistent beep was interlaced with the in-depth and monotonous history of Colonial cities.
Both noises together merged into a single, incomprehensible blur of sound, which thrust itself
You don't need these bits. The "bombarded with noise" is really good and immediately gets the message across. The rest is unnecessary fluff, though the "deep into Jareth's skull" can be left in, just as an intensifier.
I am glad to have been of assistance.
Personally I think the robot should recognise that he hasn't been of assistance. Either he doesn't say anything except "would you like a new alarm clock," or he says something like
The community apologises for any dissatisfaction you may have with its drones and/or alarm clocks. Would you like me to order you a new alarm clock, Citizen?
But yeah, it's a bit better. It just needs a good solid rewrite, rather than a patch job. You should probably do that later on after you've done a good few chapters.
Oh yeah, and I actually quite liked the first name for that city. Vulga just sounds like Vulgar, but I do understand the reasoning behind it. Personally I like these eastern european/Russian names and words. There's something about their aesthetics and their kind of sounds that come out of it.
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Yeah, i think i'm gonna leave it for now, and come back to see what can be done with it.... the information can probably be left out in that section, but as you said, for now i'l leave it and re-write it at a later date....
Personally I think the robot should recognise that he hasn't been of assistance.
:P I loved your suggestion so much i've gone and put it in ^_^:
“The Regime apologises for any dissatisfaction you may have, with its Drones and/or alarm clocks. Would you like me to order you a new digital timepiece, Citizen?”
Also i've thought it through, and personally agree with you that i like the more Russian sounding names... so I've decided to change the city name back to somthing similar, for now at least until i decide on somthing more permanent:
Ruszáyev
Post Merge: June 25, 2010, 10:06:52 AM
---edit:----
Okay, i decided i wanted to at least have a go at re-writing this section... i really feel i can do better than what it is... so here it is, the first full re-write of the section.
I'm expecting there to be be problems, as i've only been through it three times or so and still pick up problems or ways to improve each time... but still, anyone else's' opinion on it would be great :3
Repetitive beeping broke through hazy dreams, and the dull hum of lighting strips warming up filled the cramped steel bedroom. A dark haired and unshaven man groped for the alarm and, when he failed to hit the snooze button, retreated back under the covers of his bed.
“Good morning Citizen Jareth, and what a wonderful day it is...” The monotonous service-drone whirred into life, as Jareth tried in vain to pull the covers further over his head. The machine was an old design, large and boxy, with a single red photoceptor ‘eye’. It flickered on, as the fluorescent strips finally burst into life with a loud -plink-. The bright light reflected off the metallic body of the machine, its chrome finish long since dulled and scratched. “The temperature outside is a balmy 68⁰C, and there is yet again a general warning for dust storms today. Only the few, above-ground levels are likely to be affected.”
Jareth squinted, trying to block out the worst of the glaring light. Grunting, he rolled over onto his side, rubbing his tired eyes. He ran his fingers through his unwashed hair, as he looked groggily around the small, steel-walled room. He muttered to himself, his voice low and hoarse as he struggled to bring his thoughts up to speed. “Just, shut up...” Jareth sighed and lay with his eyes closed, the beginning of a stabbing headache already forming, as the clock continued to beep.
The service drone waited for precisely two full minutes, before humming into life again “Please remember Citizen, you are to be overseeing repairs today, in engineer bay #32. Lateness will not be acceptable...”
Jareth nodded; however, the drone had not finished “I also have a Regime-certified announcement, Citizen. It will only take a moment...” Jareth held up a hand in an attempt to forestall the machine “I’m not interested.” The drone beeped twice, in what sounded like confusion “But Citizen, this is a City-wide message” Jareth clasped his head in his hands, as he tried in vain to block out the talkative drone “I said no... I’m already late as it is.” Unfortunately, the drone was a tediously persistent design “The Regime wishes only the best for its citizens, I implore that you hear the announcement.” Jareth groaned again, louder this time, looking between the machine and his high-pitched clock. It was too early, and already he was bombarded with noise that thrust itself deep into his skull.
“I said no...” The drone continued insisting, regardless. Jareth clenched his fists, shouting now “Oh, for the Regime’s sake... shut... up!” He grabbed the beeping clock and hurled it at the machine, missed spectacularly, and it smashed against the opposite steel wall. A silence dropped over the room, as Jareth sighed in frustration.
The Drone whirred smoothly, before replying in the same flat tone: “The Regime apologises for any dissatisfactions you may have, with its Drones and/or alarm clocks. Would you like to order a new digital timepiece, Citizen?”
Sorry for having posted this single section repeatedly... but it is the opening scene and i feel one of the msot important parts... its where i need to hook the reader, and get them interested from the begining..... ;)
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It's a lot better, still feels like a patch job where the new sections have a distinct change in flow to them.
When a person speaks they need a new line and when the other replies they need a new line and so on. New person = New line
The drone beeped twice, in what sounded like confusion “But Citizen, this is a City-wide message
I think, because the robot is a personification of the rigid and impenetrable machinations of the regime wearing velvet, I dont think there should be much of a personality here. No confusion, just blind execution of directives. You can't have a proper conversation with this thing. If it's going to say the message anyway, then why nag the citizen? why not just straight say it?
It was too early, and already he was bombarded with noise that thrust itself deep into his skull.
Too long, I think you can cut everything after the word "bombarded"
missed spectacularly
I dont think you need spectacularly. The fact that it smashes is spectacular enough.
But yeah, better but needs a full on rewrite later down the line. Good work though.
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Jareth got pwned by that robot, lol. Good story so far. A good read while eating cereal.
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Thanks Cuddles, glad you enjoyed reading it... :P
And thank you Asia, i'm gonna leave it as it is (other than make a few of those changes you just mentioned).... I think i'l post up the next section, again its still work in progress and feedback/criticism is very helpfull...
Without furthado, the next part in my epic saga... of work in progress-y-ness ;)
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Ten minutes later, and Jareth was in a large maintenance elevator, it rattled and hissed all the way down to level -6,000 of the lower sector. The lift was ten metres squared, and packed full with engineers, all wearing a basic uniform of dark orange overalls. A few also carried scratched helmets, of a strong matte-metal, with tinted welding goggles. Jareth was similarly clothed, with the exception of chevrons on his shoulders and chest, designating him a Chief engineer of Colony 2.
“Hey Jareth, you heard about the expansion?”A very dark haired, slender engineer sidled over to him, squeezing between the mass of bodies. She wore a smaller set of chevrons, not unlike like Jareth’s and flicked her long ponytail to one side over a shoulder. Looking him intently in the light blue eyes, she noted the three day old stubble across his chin, and the fact he took several moments to focus on her...
“You don’t look so good, been sleeping alright lately?” Jareth heaved a sigh. He mumbled half-heartedly, that he hadn't heard of it, and was overloaded with work as usual. The other engineer nodded sympathetically, as the doors of the elevator finally opened with a groan.
Stepping out into a cramped steel corridor, Jareth started to walk with the flow of Engineers. He stopped abruptly, facing a tall poster pasted across the fire-safety instructions. Every Citizen was taught to memorize colonial safety directions, in absolute completion, from a very young age. The poster however, was brand new. Staring curiously, he strode across the corridor and was almost knocked over by a bulky delivery drone. The machine was transporting several steel containers, and gave a disgruntled whirr before rumbling away. Dodging aside the irritated Automaton, Jareth stopped in front of the notice. Crowds of workers parted, and walked begrudgingly around him. Emblazoned in bold red letters, at the head of the poster; was an awfully familiar slogan:
“The regime needs YOU”.
Further down was another slogan, superimposed over an aerial photograph of the second colony. It was a windswept planet, obscured by clouds of reddish dust. Its northern hemisphere set in perpetual night, while the southern hemisphere was dotted with colossal, dark-steel structures. This second slogan was new to Jareth, and its meaning perplexed him:
“Volunteer for the Third Colony expansion, TODAY!”
Shaking his head Jareth sighed, and started to walk back along the crowded corridor, Third colony expansion? Just a hare-brained idea of the Regime’s to construct a new mining colony, most likely. Footsteps reverberating on the steel flooring, he weaved between workers, quickly catching up with his group of engineers. The rearmost two greeted him with a friendly “Good morning Chief” as they walked through a pair of steel bulkhead doors.
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Anyone who read this story before the re-write, will notice this is still pretty much the same as before... I liked how i did it before, i've jsut tried to streamline and boot it up to a higher standard... newer sections to the story that no-one has read before will be coming soon... very soon ;)
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Well yup this is a lot like it used to be. It does work a bit better though. It flows more freely, it feels more natural and works better. There are still problems though, as there always will be, but as it is, it's not bad at all.
Jareth was similarly clothed, with the exception of chevrons on his shoulders and chest, designating him a Chief engineer of Colony 2.
You could just say,
Jareth had chevrons on his shoulders and chest. He was Colony 2's chief engineer.
“Hey Jareth, you heard about the expansion?”
No real need to say his name. From my experience, most people don't say the names of their friends when they're talking to them.
A very dark haired, slender engineer sidled over to him, squeezing between the mass of bodies
convoluted. Try
A slender woman squeezed through the mass of bodies towards Jareth, then flicked her Jet black ponytail over one shoulder.
She wore a smaller set of chevrons, not unlike like Jareth’s and flicked her long ponytail to one side over a shoulder.
You could try
she also wore chevrons, though hers were smaller.
Looking him intently in the light blue eyes, she noted the three day old stubble across his chin
You can't tell someone's got stubble, by looking at their eyes. YOu could do
Looking at him, she noticed his thick and unkempt stubble. His light blue eyes struggled to focus.
“You don’t look so good, been sleeping alright lately?” Jareth heaved a sigh. He mumbled half-heartedly, that he hadn't heard of it, and was overloaded with work as usual.
Keep people in the moment. There's no reason to use reported speech here.
The other engineer nodded sympathetically
You could just say
She gave him some sympathy nodding.
It also avoids an unnecessary adverb.
Dodging aside the irritated Automaton
This doesn't need "the irritated automaton
Crowds of workers parted, and walked begrudgingly around him
What do you mean, parted? surely the poster is on the wall, so they wouldn't be parted, merely manouvering.
This second slogan was new to Jareth, and its meaning perplexed him:
Show his reaction to a new slogan just before he reads it. Does he lean in? Does he furrow his brow?
Shaking his head Jareth sighed, and started to walk back along the crowded corridor, Third colony expansion? Just a hare-brained idea of the Regime’s to construct a new mining colony, most likely.
You haven't described his thoughts before, why start now? You can do that, but you need a good reason to. There's no reason not to show it through body language.
Footsteps reverberating on the steel flooring, he weaved between workers,
Maybe you should mention the reverberating before, when the lift doors open and everyone steps out with a hundred boots stepping on this metal.
But yeah, good work.
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Thanks Asia, it really helps to have someone else read through and say what in their opinion does or doesnt read well :3
I'm goin' to the beach today so it's be a day or two before i post anything new or this section re-done....
And i'm glad you think its good work ^_^ I really enjoyed writing this....
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Okay... this is quite a long section.... but if i split it up i dont think it would make so much sense... so i apologise before-hand for the super-block 'o' text :/
---Regime Information Drone, Query: ---
---Level -6000, Lower Sector, Colonial City ‘Ruszáyev’---
Level minus Six thousand houses several engineer bays, repair and assembly lines for the two hundred thousand service-drones in Ruszáyev alone. The city is a huge upside-down pyramid structure, stretching several miles across at the surface, and hundreds miles underground. It is maintained, built and repaired by teams of machines, each with a specific task hardwired into them.
Ruszáyev is continually expanding downwards and outwards, in search of more valuable ores and living space. The Drones are the only citizens able to consistently work on the surface of the planet, though even they suffer extensive damage due to constant dust storms. Ruszáyev is one of thirty-three Colonial Cities, spread across the southern hemisphere of Colony 2. The northern hemisphere of the planet is the location of all Tethium refinery units, and is strictly off-limits to civilian workers.
Colony 2 is a level five mining planet. Ruszáyev was the first city, constructed to dig deep into the planets crust and refine the most valuable element known to the Regime: Tethium, as well as many other inferior materials. Over time thirty two other cities have been created, and the entirety of the northern hemisphere has become heavily industrialised, as veins of ore become increasingly scarce.
---Link to information file: Tethium---
---Link to information file: The almighty Regime---
---End Query: ---
The bay which Jareth was to supervise did not repair mining machinery; but instead had the more important, and privileged job of repairing drones used by the military caste. These where the automated defence force of the Regime, and had to be constantly renovated to ensure the safety of the Colony. The engineering deck was unfeasibly vast, full of constant buzzing, shriek of twisted metal and cascades of sparks. Immense fluorescent light strips hummed overhead, set into the cavernous ceiling.
“Right, let’s get this assembly line moving! We all have a quota to reach today...” Jareth shouted instructions to nearby engineers, his voice easily heard, even over the whine of heavy machinery. Flipping through a bulky touch-pad, he quickly scanned down columns of numbers, quota totals and interdepartmental reports. Sighing he signed the paperwork, and looked up to watch the bay slowly roll into action:
Several hundred, slow moving, conveyor belts ran the vast length of the repair bay. Automatons in need of renovation where set down at one end, from behind a series of bulkhead doors. As they where sent along the belt, engineers clambered over them, quickly and efficiently repairing damaged components. There was large variation in the machines that passed through, but easily the most numerous where MarkII Tank drones, fondly dubbed ‘Tread-heads’ by the informal Engineers. Built around a single armoured hull, the beast stood twice the height of a human worker. Four broad treads carried the monster, across even the most rock-strewn terrain; while set atop the hull twin kinetic cannons leered threateningly. The machine was the symbolic image of the Regime’s combined, military and engineering might.
“Hey, Karzeth! Can you explain to me why that Tread-head hasn’t had its weaponry replaced?” Jareth Snapped irritably, pointing to a worn out and scratched automaton that lay abreast the conveyor belt. Nodding hurriedly, the trainee-engineer in question clambered up the drone’s metallic body, and started to clumsily unbolt the scorched barrels from their mountings.
Jareth shook his head lightly, looking back down at his flickering data-pad. The young engineer who had met him in the elevator walked over, and saluted politely. “Jareth... Chief?” She was tapping a fusion torch against her thigh; absent-mindedly, as Jareth turned to her and nodded “Someone from the merchants’ caste expressed a desire to see you in the store room, immediately.” Jareth raised an eyebrow; looking left, and then right. With no Regime Patrols or overseers in sight, he smiled affectionately. “Thank you Technical-Engineer Tanaka; I shall see them at once.” She smiled back, and winked conspiratorially “I’m sure you will Chief. I’ll keep the repairs running while you’re... busy sir.”
yeah... the bit which gives some info on the city is possibly too long... i may need to cut down just how much is put in there... but it is definately staying ¬.¬
Post Merge: June 28, 2010, 05:31:13 PM
Oh also.. this is purely aesthetics.... but this is how the word.doc version looks.... ive added thingies that help set the scene... purely for fun ;) (added pic as attatchment)
[attachment deleted by admin]
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I enjoyed this part! :3
What I really appreciate is the way you take the time to describe setting...that is one of the things I personally am terrible at. I tend to skim over setting and leave readers confused as to where they're at, but you slow things down enough I can see what's going on and where it's going on.
Speaking of slow, another thing that I liked that was, while I was reading this, I was listening to some slow Gackt music, and that alongisde your great writing helped establish a deep atmosphere, or at least I get the feeling you were trying to create an atmosphere, and this was something I latched on to.
As far as crit goes, you have some commas where you don't need them.
Here:
but instead had the more important, and privileged job of repairing drones used by the military caste.
And Here:
The young engineer who had met him in the elevator walked over, and saluted politely.
For example. But there are extra commas elsewhere too that can be cut.
Also, I won't go into too much detail when I shouldn't, but to make your work that much better, just keep on working on your sentences. If something bugs you, fix it. If there's an extra adverb when you don't need it, nix it. If you can add an extra detail to establish mood, do it.
Hope to see more. :3
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I'm glad you enjoyed it! :P After all, thats what im trying to achieve here... an enjoyable read ;)
And yeah, i try to ensure the scene is set well, i find it helps the story run more smoothly for the reader.... And i know there are still sentences which arent structured quite right, or as you pointed out, commas in the wrong place... these are all things i'm constantly trying to weed out... but it seems no matter how many times i read over it... both out-loud and not, i seem to always miss some mistakes like that >:(
Anyhow... That is the end of the first chapter!... And also the last section for a while which anyone will have read before... now comes all the juicy new stuff ive written :3
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Hey, I'm curious. For the WordDoc, do you design those pages yourself? I mean, draw the picture for it and everything? And, even if not, how do you do it?
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Unfortunately the pictures are not drawn by me... if i had the time i would do it.... but they are all from the internet, and then heavily edited....
The front cover bit is an image i found, which i then edited... but most of it is lots of vector-images made in word, layered up and with different combinations of textures... it takes ages, but id like to think it looks good in the end :3
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I already said how I feel about the Drone query thing stuck in the middle of a paragraph, so i won't repeat myself on that.
but it seems no matter how many times i read over it... both out-loud and not, i seem to always miss some mistakes like that
which is why I shall point some out for you :D
The Drones are the only citizens able to consistently work on the surface of the planet
Then why do the drones tell the citizens what the temperature is up there, the humans will rarely or even never see it?
set atop the hull twin kinetic cannons leered threateningly
They're cannons. you don't need to say that they are threatening.
Jareth Snapped irritably
Don't say that he's irritated, show it.In fact, saying that he snapped is more than enough. Though some authors would say that modifiers like "snapped" patch up bad dialogue, as in the dialogue should show through the emotions of the words that he's snapping at someone.
ANYWAY, I'm looking forward to reading past what happens after this. It should be fun :D
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:o
My word count for this story has now reached 4,600-ish ....... *looks at previous short story attempts* ... thats more than ive ever written on one story ^_^
Anyway... thanks again for the help.... And i understand about having that drone query bit stuck in-between there.... i'm hoping that once ive written some more, i can go back and find a better place for it / re-write.... Anyhow... new stuff :P .... these sections are new ones, and ones that will have large numbers of mistakes in them... but here we go anyway....
Chapter 2: ‘Secrets and Lies’
The store room door closed quietly, as Jareth twisted the circular handle counter-clockwise. The bulky doorway itself was plastered with signs, warnings of ‘Hazardous explosives!’, and ‘Only authorised entrance!’ He swiped his wrist across a flickering red panel on the door, there was a faint beep, followed by a loud click as the entrance locked.
The humming fluorescent light strips where already lit, as he turned to face the serried rows of ammunition and supply crates. Smiling gratefully, Jareth was greeted by the fair skinned Trade-advisor waiting for him. As always during working hours; she wore a close fitting white uniform, trimmed with the rich blue colour of the Merchant caste. Her immaculate clothing was so at odds, with his oil-stained overalls. And just as every time they met, he studied her fine features carefully; longingly.
Swiftly he embraced her; running his callused fingers through her plaited hazel hair, he breathed in her familiar sweet fragrance. But then he scowled suddenly, and pulled back to look intently into her russet eyes “I said we shouldn’t meet during my shifts... We could get caught one of these days.” She batted away his concerns with a single motion, tucking her unfastened hair behind her ears and smiling gleefully. Jareth cherished it when she did that. “Look... No matter where or when you meet me, we could still get caught. The caste system ensures that, so I see this little meeting simply as an addition to our, secrecy.” Leaning around him, she looked to the large steel door “And you’re quite sure it’s locked this time?”
Jareth nodded, not once taking his eyes from the pale nape of her neck... She laughed softly again, a noise that cleared away Jareth’s worries, like the winds of Colony 2 over its dusty surface. She leant close, holding him tightly “Well then, I say they won’t be missing you on your shift for at least fifteen minutes. And my dealership conference can wait, for you...”
I'm still posting in short sections intentionally... it helps me focus more on each section bit-by-bit... and im sure it makes it easier to read for you guys too ;) .....
Also, about the drone still telling Jareth what the temperature is outside.... You'l find throughout the story that much, if not all, of the City's technology/machinery is severely outdated and hasnt been updated for a very long time.... That morning message is one that was used when the Colony was first set up, and when workers would often be much closer to the surface, sometimes even having to work outside in protective suits... hopefully this will get explained more later on....
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I liked this. It was good, it felt close and confined, and certainly intimate. It works well, though I don't get why the merchant caste have tight fitting clothes. But that's a personal gripe.
ANYWAY! on to the nitty gritty problems.
as Jareth twisted the circular handle counter-clockwise
irrelevant details.
The humming fluorescent light strips where already lit
Most people expect lights to be lit. There's no need to say that they are lit.
Smiling gratefully, Jareth was greeted by the fair skinned Trade-advisor waiting for him
no need for gratefully. We alrady get that he wanted her to be there.
And just as every time they met, he studied her fine features carefully; longingly
no need for longingly. we already get that from carefully.
Swiftly he embraced her
No need for swiftly, the speed of the action comes from the abruptness of the sentence.
“I said we shouldn’t meet during my shifts... We could get caught one of these days.” She batted away his concerns with a single motion, tucking her unfastened hair behind her ears and smiling gleefully. Jareth cherished it when she did that. “Look... No matter where or when you meet me, we could still get caught.
New speaker = new line
The caste system ensures that
No real reason to say that. both from a plot and background angle and from a dialogue angle. we know there's a caste system, we assume they can't meet because of it. They know there's a caste system, they know they cant meet because of it. No point stating the obvious.
cleared away Jareth’s worries, like the winds of Colony 2 over its dusty surface.
Nobody in that room knows what the winds of colony 2 are like. Certainly not Jareth anyway.
Anyway, yeah that was good, I liked that.
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I'm glad you liked it. I wrote it because of your suggestion that i should include more detail about their relationship, and how it is secretive, from the first write-up of this story :P
And i'm trying to make sure that i keep a new line for each speaker... i'm not sure why i keep forgetting to do that :/
Anyway.... I'm home for today, no school, rather horrible weather... time for some writing :3
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Good kitty, *Strokes Kitt*
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*Purrs* yay, strokings :P
Anyway.... the next section in this chapter... again, keeping them short... and again its all still work in progress as always:
Back in the Cavernous Service-Bay, Technical-Engineer Tanaka leaned over the optic-sensor of a particularly damaged Tank-Drone. Its red ‘eye’ lens was cracked, and the surrounding steel was pitted with deep scratches. The machine bore obvious signs of metal-stress, so much so that as she shifted her weight, an armoured panel groaned in protest. Tanaka paused to shout instructions to another engineer, fighting to be heard over the buzz of a nearby fusion torch.
Shaking her head, she pulled out the Lens and its accompanied wiring, with a firm twist. Tanaka talked to herself, as she often did while working, while jumping down from the dilapidated drone “God Knows how they get so beat’ up... This Tread-Head looks like it’s been in a fracking war zone!” She landed lightly on the steel flooring, laughing. Her grin petered out however, as a tall and straight backed figure frowned down at her. The clean-shaven Regime-office looked sternly from her, to the Drone, his dark red uniform accompanied by a slim pistol. A weapon he had the right to use on mere trouble-makers, and dangerous revolutionists alike.
“It is not your place to question... Knowledge culminates from work. Be productive, diligent, and the Regime shall reward you... A Technical-Engineer is a fine position for someone of your age, better not to risk demotion through unnecessary trouble” He paused, leaning closer to read the Identity clasp on her lapel “Miss Tanaka Chenova.”
With that the officer walked on, eyes roving slowly over the workers. Watching him go, Tanaka frowned and slowly turned back to the busted automaton. She scanned over her own personal data-pad; this drone had been in service now since before she was born. It had all its parts replaced so many times; that barely an inch of it was part of the original machine. Kneeling down she looked underneath it, rusty oil dripped onto the conveyor belt below as she drew an inward, whistling breath.
It was true though, and strangely she had never thought about it before. How did the drones get so badly damaged, when the Colony was seemingly never under any actual attack? Weathering from dust storms couldn’t be the sole cause of the damage they were ordered to repair, day after day. She frowned, tapping her foot impatiently. Questions where not normally encouraged, but this was something that had been niggling away for a long time now.
Coming to a conclusion, Tanaka sighed, and pulled a long red and white striped sticker from her belt. She climbed onto the conveyor belt beside the drone, and slapped it firmly across the dented hull:
---Unserviceable Crap---
Across the vast engineer bay, a storeroom entrance swung open, and a brief blur of white went unnoticed by workers nearby. Jareth followed suite, at a much slower pace, and closed the door behind him. She was already walking hurriedly towards the express elevators, talking into her wireless headset. She had received an interrupting call from her overseer, and an ‘urgent problem in the trade office’ had warranted her immediate attention. Jareth watched her auburn hair, in its tight plait, bobbing so energetically behind her as she walked. He sighed, turning to face the mass of steel and cascading sparks, and muttered bitterly under his breath...
“Back to work Jareth...”
Okay... so while Jareth and his love affair remain the main character/s in the story... i decided this engineer will be a secondary character... she will play an integrall part to the plot later on ;)
Also i'm expecting there to be mistakes here, or parts that could do with being cleared up better... more of this character, and the others, will come soon... Anyway, hope you enjoy! :P
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I like this, it's a good spread of the small and the large. Massive problems and ideas, mixed with human stories. That's what every tale needs.
I picked out a few problems, but nothing to go crazy about. It's simple stuff. I'll probably pick out more in a later version of this, but as it is now, it's pretty good.
Its red ‘eye’ lens was cracked
that doesn't really work for me... I would put
the lens of its red 'eye'
Tanaka talked to herself, as she often did while working, while jumping down from the dilapidated drone
Two "while"s is not good. you could say
Tanak talked to herself, as she often did while working, and jumped down from the dilapidated drone
strangely she had never thought about it before.
but then how could this issue have been
something that had been niggling away for a long time now.
Good work Kitty Katt
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Thanks Asia, hopefully its a good sign that there arent any major problems with it ;)
Anyhow, next section coming up as soon as i finish checking it over :3
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Okay... next section :P
The end to another long work shift was signalled by two claxon blasts, which resonated throughout the engineer bay. Everywhere, tools where set down, and the vast crowd of Engineers surged towards the bulkhead doors. Jareth sighed, and slipped his data-pad into the large pouch on his belt. He stayed at his post beside a work-bench, watching as weary workers left the Repair bay. Shifts in the city where carefully correlated, so that no assembly or repair line was ever truly shut down. Work continued day in and day out, so sure enough, new teams of engineers where marching in through the bay entrances.
“Evening Chief Jareth...” A wiry man walked past, nodding to Jareth and clapping a passing Engineer on the back. The engineer returned the gesture, nodding to Jareth also.
Jareth nodded in return to both of them and yawned widely, despite his best attempts to hold it in. He addressed the first of the two, with polite familiarity “Another night shift, Chief Terrill?”
The man shrugged half-heartedly, flicking through several memos on his data-pad... “For us, this is practically the daytime!” Jareth laughed wearily in return, an expression mostly of sympathy, as he started to walk away. But instead of following the main stream of Engineers, he turned left towards the express elevators.
Stopping outside the door of elevator #A38, Jareth swiped his wrist across the red panel set into the steel. Every citizen of the colony had an identity-chip placed under their skin from birth, which monitored their rank in the Regime. Some elevators or doors, such as this one, required a higher level of authority to be used or opened. Waiting patiently for the machine to process the information, Jareth noticed Engineer Tanaka, also walking apart from the main crowds. Most Engineers would be making their way to the mess hall, perhaps to play a game of Red-diamond cards, and wind down before heading off for bunk-time. It seemed he was not the only one with other intentions. “Tanaka! Where you headed?”
She stopped momentarily beside him, wiping the oil off her hands with a cloth distractedly. “Oh, I just... Just got some paperwork to finish off, Chief... You?”
Jareth nodded approvingly, motioning a thumb towards the elevator that he was still waiting for “Just going up to deliver some memos, at one of the Merchant-Trade Offices... Routine stuff...”
Tanaka smiled, giving him the conspiratorial wink again “Ah, right you are sir.” And with that she carried on down the corridor, against the flow of other people. Jareth watched her disappear from sight around the corner, as the elevator door opened with a hiss.
The express elevator was much smaller than the maintenance lifts, and the steel surfaces still had their chrome finish. Tapping the touch screen beside the door, Jareth quickly found level -860 in the upper sector. Merchant-Caste workers were mostly higher ranking than engineers; and so many worked much further up, in the vast-tiered city.
The lift set off with a low hum, speeding up as the numbers on the display flashed backwards, running from level -6000 and counting. Jareth himself had only been at the planetary surface once in his lifetime. He had been sent up to repair a vital air conduit, and a brief glimpse was all he saw, through a pane of storm-proof Perspex. All he had seen on that day was howling wind, and constant swirling dust that obscured everything; a bleak landscape and nothing more. Drumming his fingers against his belt, Jareth waited as the elevator rose up out of the city’s depths.
Okies.... thats it for the next section... not particularly exciting, but its leading up to bigger stuff ;) help/comments appreciated as always...
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You know what, you're either really very good at first drafts, or I'm getting rather lax in my criticism, or maybe I'm just tired. Normally problems jump out at me, screaming to be pointed out, named and shamed.
I've only found two major problems here. Everything else is great for a first draft. My only wonder is whether or not your redrafting skills are up to making something really truly great. But we'll get to that hurdle when it really matters. As for right now, here's what I found.
work-bench, watching as weary workers
Do you really want that alliteration?
“Evening Chief Jareth...”
That doesn't sound natural to me. Just "Evening Jareth," sounds better in my opinion, since they're both of equal rank.
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or maybe I'm just tired
Im guessing the latter ;)
And as for the two problems... that alliteration was indeed a mistake... too many wubbleyus XP
And yes, seeing as they're equal rank he wouldn't really say Chief...
But as for my redrafting skills, and making something truly great? I havnt a clue :P this is the first story I've actually written that has gotten this far, so i have no idea if i can do that... but as you said, we'll see about that when the time comes ;)
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Well be sure to keep working on this. its' good stuff.
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Very encouraging words ^_^ Thank ye
Post Merge: July 08, 2010, 09:00:25 PM
Oookay... next section... im guessing many problems with this one...
After what seemed an age, the lift’s humming lessened, and a flat-toned voice chimed in. “Welcome to the Merchant Trade Offices, level minus 860 of the upper sector. Have a nice day, citizen Jareth...”
The doors opened with a soft hiss, and Jareth stepped out into the bright passageway. It was wider than the lower sector corridors; the air was cool and refreshing after the confined elevator. All the surfaces where still brushed steel, but here the chrome finish glistened below the silent light strips. Turning right, he followed his mental map of the Merchant Offices, from the brief visits to the upper sector. While he knew every turn and alcove of the engineering levels, up here was like a journey into a marsh, never quite sure if your foot would suddenly sink into what you thought was solid ground. Jareth turned right again, passing a sleek-bodied service drone, which whirred and continued to clean the steel wall-panels. Obviously it was only a saying he had heard, for having been born in Ruszáyev, swamps weren’t really in high supply below ground.
Clattering footsteps interrupted Jareth’s inner monologue, and he passed two fair-haired Trade-assistants who walked by without a backward glance. They were talking animatedly, one of them pointing to something on his thin data-pad, and the other nodding in agreement. Ignoring them in return, Jareth re-traced a route he had taken many times, finally reaching a door set flush with the corridor wall.
‘Merchant Trade Office #339 – Resource and Dealership Management’
Holding his wrist over the flickering red panel, Jareth waited a moment as it flashed once in confirmation. The door slid open onto a long reception room, lit by the same soft light panels. Behind the desk facing the doorway, a Grey-haired overseer looked up briefly, her red uniform immaculate. She gave Jareth a momentary frown, before looking back down at the data-slate she was working at. Immediately behind the desk where a dozen steel doors; each leading to separate offices, Jareth walked past the overseer to the leftmost entrance. Opening it with a sweep of the wrist, he stepped quietly in.
So yeah... help / criticisms welcome...
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I like it. It's got lots of style. A real vision there. A few more rich and vivid descriptions would help, but as it is, it's pretty good... but yeah there's a lot more errors than before :P
Jareth...”
The doors opened with a soft hiss, and Jareth
You said Jareth twice very close to eachother. It doesn't sound right to me.
It was wider than the lower sector corridors; the air was cool and refreshing
Semi-colon doesn't really work there. just put comma, "and" instead.
never quite sure if your foot would suddenly sink into what you thought was solid ground
i get that it's a metaphor but i don't see how it applies that relevantly to this situation.
Obviously it was only a saying he had heard, for having been born in RuszáyevDon't do this. Don't point out this kind of stuff. NOt only is it unnecessary clarification which can be fixed by using a saying relevant to Jareth and his situation, but it also plants the point of view too far into the eyes of Jareth. If you get that close where it's almost as if he's speaking, then it might as well be a first person narrative.
animatedly
Didn't know that was a word. and even if it is, it's a clunky adverb. The sentence can fit better without the adverbiness of it. But "animated" is a good word to use.
Ignoring them in return
So if he ignores them, how can he take notice of them to make such a description, if we are to be this close to his point of view.
set flush with the corridor wall
This is me just being stupid, but i've never understood what that means.
‘Merchant Trade Office #339 – Resource and Dealership Management’
Is it really necessary for this to be seperate. It can easily be integrated, so you need a good reason not to.
Holding his wrist over the flickering red panel, Jareth waited a moment as it flashed once in confirmation
How does he know it flashed if it's flickering all the time?
But yeah, I like your stuff. It could be real good.
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But yeah, I like your stuff. It could be real good.
Thanks, i enjoy writing it too ^_^
set flush with the corridor wall
This is me just being stupid, but i've never understood what that means.
If you say set flush with somthing, it means : Arranged with adjacent sides, surfaces, or edges close together: a sofa flush against the wall. <-- hehe... dictionary ;) So in this case, none of the door is sticking out, or embedded in.. its smoothly integrated into the wall..
Anyway... time to clean up the messes... where's my grammatical mop?
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If you say set flush with somthing, it means : Arranged with adjacent sides, surfaces, or edges close together: a sofa flush against the wall. <-- hehe... dictionary ;) So in this case, none of the door is sticking out, or embedded in.. its smoothly integrated into the wall..
I learn something new every day :D
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A great continuation. You have just the right amount of detail and interest. Not too little...not too much. While I personally would put more detail to make it a more vivid reading, that's just me. For your genre--- it is fine the way it is.
Right now there's not enough for me to do one of my big plot/character run-downs, but I can again try to help with technicality. It seems as though you like to stick with one sentence type, and one sentence type for the most part. I do this too, as you will tell from reading my story I sent you. I just wanted to describe this problem for you in detail. Don't fret too much over what I'm saying.
Clattering footsteps interrupted Jareth’s inner monologue, and he passed two fair-haired Trade-assistants who walked by without a backward glance. They were talking animatedly, one of them pointing to something on his thin data-pad, and the other nodding in agreement. Ignoring them in return, Jareth re-traced a route he had taken many times, finally reaching a door set flush with the corridor wall.
I'll use this paragraph as an example of your sentence variety issue. In all three of these, and in the entire section all together, you have the same exact set up going on: character/object does something (insert comma) then character/object does something in return to that (optional insert comma and continue with details or more character action). There are not many sentences just with description or just with thought or just with detailed action or even with an unusal sentence format to add interest or a PANG of realization, etc. They all just seem to have that same set up. In brief. Sentence variety is a great thing in this world.
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Could you pwease give an example of another kind of sentence structure/type i could use?
I try my hardest but you are right, it could use more variation like you said, but its only recently ive started to develop my writing skills... And some advice on other sentence types that work well to add variation would help a lot 0:)
Post Merge: July 09, 2010, 09:02:23 PM
Oh, and i might as well add this... i'l attach an image of what the page looks like in the word doc again.. i dunno why, but i enjoy putting in the occasional bit like this :P
[attachment deleted by admin]
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Hmmm....I have to log off now, but I am currently working on a writing guide to post here, and what you need may just be in there. I might even post an extra article on that subject in it....Im really sorry that I have to leave or I would help out a lot more! :'(
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Dont worry about it... And a writing guide would be cool :P
Anyhoo *goes back to editing, re-editing, writing and re-writing*
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What I do to avoid repetetive sentence structure is to look at the number of commas in a sentence. If there tends to be the same amount all the time, I switch things up. A new comma tends to indicate a new clause... I don't know how effective this is though.
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Well i'l try and be more varied with my sentences if i can... anyhow... next section i guess:
-“Julie Kallithea... I requested those dealership reviews over ten minutes ago. Your overseer alleged you are normally a very capable Trade-Advisor. Usually I am a very tolerant man, but you and you’re Merchant-caste nonsense, are testing my patience!”-
Sighing, Julie adjusted her wireless headset into a more comfortable position. She leant across the steel desk, and picked up her data-pad “Colonel Lupez, I am a civilian Trade-advisor. Your department is involved with the Military-caste, and so unfortunately I lack the necessary rank to retrieve, and evaluate the information you require...” On the other end of the line, it sounded like someone was grinding two blocks of granite together. Colonel Lupez had the irksome habit of gnashing his teeth, when particularly angry. As the static-amplified noise continued, Julie looked up around the air-conditioned office, in a brief attempt to compose herself. The walls where covered in off-white matte panels, and a long screen set into one of them displayed continually changing trade-market statistics.
The sound finally abated when, as Julie could only assume, the Colonel had lit up a cigar to settle his fraught nerves. -“Look... Kalli’, I am not someone who wants to hear pathetic excuses”-
Julie sighed yet again, looking down at her data-pad “The best I can do is hand your case over to a Trade-attendant in the Military revenue office... The request may take several more hours to be analysed, but it will be much superior to anything we could do here...”
Lupez snarled. That did not, it seemed, constitute as satisfactory. –“You Merchant-Caste imbeciles, have had me running around in circles through your departments, for hours now!”- He took a brief breath, before rampaging onwards –“Surely, when I ask for the assistance of a qualified Trade-advisor, that is what I should receive? Not some blundering, inept... Woman... Who can’t even retrieve the necessary files from her network!”- As Julie tried desperately to retort over the Colonel’s shouting, the office door slid open, and then closed again. Julie looked vaguely up at the newcomer, and gave a shriek of surprise. Her data-pad slipped off the desk, and clattered loudly onto the steel floor.
“Jareth! What the-? Oh, nothing Colonel... A colleague of mine requires immediate assistance; I shall file your request through to the Military Revenue office sir, Good day now.” The explosive bellows of the Colonel where suddenly cut-off, as Julie hung up. She looked sternly at Jareth, glaring in peeved annoyance. “I thought you said we weren’t to meet during work hours, Jareth.”
Kneeling down to pick up her data-pad, Jareth smirked childishly. “I thought this would add to our... secrecy. Besides, I’m just here to deliver these inter-caste memos, routine stuff.” He handed over a sheaf of print-out papers; taking them briskly, Julie skimmed over them.
“These aren’t necessary until tomorrow Jareth, why would you deliver them today?” Looking back up, she was met by a teasing Kiss, as Jareth handed the data-pad to her.
“Jareth!” She pushed him away, eyes darting to the closed door behind him, and the reception beyond. “Not during work hours... shoo!” She stood up from behind her desk, and gave him a slight push towards the exit. He turned to leave, about to open the door, when he was dragged back by the shoulder. Julie pulled him in a tentative embrace, trying to avoid the worst oil-stains “Just... Don’t surprise me like that again, especially not in my office. If the overseer had walked in on us” She let go and sighed, tucking away the strands of her hair that were not plaited “You where right, of course. We need to be more careful.”
Its a long section... so sorry for the big-block-'o'-text .... but i felt this bit has to be read as a whole rather than broken down too small.... comments, criticism, help and just general reading of my creation are very welcome as always! :P
Oh, and hope you enjoyed another of Jareth's and his now named 'friend's secret meetings ;)
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This was good, very character-centric, with nice little details. It's certainly one of my favourite parts so far... not that it went by without fault.
I wasn't keen on the "Woman" comment. It seemed like a bit of a cheap shot to make people not like the colonel But then that's just how I see. A million others would see nothing wrong with using blatant, undisguised chauvanism to indicate an unlikable character. I just think that normally people aren't so obvious about their prejudice.
Also, there were some other bits:
Colonel Lupez had the irksome habit of gnashing his teeth, when particularly angry.
No need for "when particularly angry." it works great as it is, without the clarifier.
As the static-amplified noise continued
I'm guessing you're talking about the teeth? If so, there's no need for this.
Julie could only assume, the Colonel had lit up a cigar to settle his fraught nerves
Why would she assume this? can she hear him smoking? if so, then say so.
But yeah, those are the main ones. either way, I really liked this.
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Im glad you liked it, i enjoyed writing this part very much :P
As for the "woman" comment, i can remove it... i just added it in as an afterthought... Anyhoo, time to work on the little problems...
And again, thank ye for taking the time to read, and im glad you enjoyed it ^_^
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Right-o! I havnt managed much writing recently (too much re-painting of doorways and paintballing! ;) ) But, fair is fair, and i shall show all you guys an' gals the next part to the story...
It seems your catching up, soon i'l have to put this thread on pause to give me time to write more! Until then, back to re-editing and writing :P
Weaving between the jostling crowds of workers and Drones, Tanaka Chenova continued to wipe the greasy stains from her hands. Turning into a smaller and much less crowded corridor, she stopped beside an open doorway, above which a grimy sign read -“Regime Information booth no.48”-
As she walked in, the single fluorescent light strip overhead buzzed erratically, before finally bursting into light. The room was only large enough for a single person to stand in, due to one whole wall being taken up by a tall drone. The machine reached from floor to ceiling, and a large touch screen sat at shoulder height in its centre. It too flickered on, and displayed a welcoming message, along with a tinny melodic tone.
---Good Day Citizen, How may I be of service? ---
A long list of information subjects scrolled up the screen, which when clicked on, opened up into another inventory of sub-topics. All documents stored in the Drones had to be written by Regime-certified writers, and were updated on a semi-regular basis. Tanaka spent several moments searching, before finding what she had been looking for. The machine hummed, and the suitable text file opened:
---Regime Information Drone, Query: ---
---Military Caste Drones, Colony 2 Defence force---
The Military Caste is a collective group, tasked with ensuring the safety of all Colonial residents. Very few caste members actually participate in surface guard duties, due to the hostile conditions of Colony 2. Instead, vast numbers of co-ordinated Drone systems are used to run automated patrols, across the planet’s surface.
Each individual Mining City is assigned its own defence force of around twenty thousand automatons, comprising a mixture of MarkII Tank Drones and other, less common military variants. The mining cities are all responsible for the maintenance of their individual defence systems. A larger planetary defence force is maintained collectively by all cities, which is used to patrol the off-limits northern hemisphere.
The Drones suffer heavy damage while on active patrol, and thus are rotated back into repair slots regularly. The damage is mainly caused by treacherous dust storms, but also from minor asteroid fragments as well as simulated combat between city defence systems. Without the Military Caste Drones, as well as the men and women who constantly keep them repaired, Colony 2 would not be the secure and powerful authority it is today.
---Link to information file: Colony 2, and Colonial city Ruszáyev ---
---Link to information file: The almighty Regime---
---Link to information file: Colony 1---
Although not entirely satisfied with the explanation, Tanaka turned to walk out of the cubicle. She stopped abruptly; the very last link on the screen had caught her attention. A puzzled frown crept across her brow, as she leant close to the flickering letters. “Colony one?” She muttered under her breath, that couldn’t be right. She had been through information Drones before, on various occasions, and never had there been mention of another colony.
In fact, from all her recent years of Regime-certified education, Tanaka couldn’t remember anything about an original planet. Although during her tutoring, she hadn’t really learnt much at all. The engineer in the teaching cubicle beside her, had proven to be ample... distraction.
Tanaka leant out of the cubicle, and glanced briefly down the steel corridor beyond. For once it was silent and empty, beside the hum of cooling vents, and buzz of fluorescent lights. Everyone was at their appointed work shifts by now, and only the occasional clatter of footsteps echoed through the corridors. She ducked quickly back in, and turned to the screen again; the flickering words were still there.
Licking her lips, Tanaka spoke softly under her breath “O-kay... Let’s see what we got here.” She tapped hesitantly on the link, and waited. The machine whirred, and the beginnings of a text file scrolled up the screen.
---Regime Information Drone, Query: ---
---Colony 1---
To this day, the Regime continues to ensure that...
The screen flickered suddenly, hazy static blurring the words into disarray. Tanaka took a rapid step back, as the Drone whirred again, this time high-pitched and buzzing. The screen flickered, as a message flashed vividly across it:
---Critical System Error, Unauthorised Data Access---
The screen whined even louder, static reaching a soaring crescendo. Suddenly it died entirely, along with the only light in the cubicle ceiling. Outside, the sharp -plink- of fluorescent lights going out, echoed through the swiftly darkening corridor.
Tanaka stood trembling, as suffocating darkness pressed in. Instinctively she did the one thing she could; shout... “Fracking hell... Somebody... Help!” Frozen panic coursed through her mind, as she reached blindly towards the door. Amidst the confusion she stumbled, and the side of her head struck cold steel with a sickening crack.
O-kay... another rather long section... but i think it has to be read as a whole... mistakes and errors still loiter around in my writing, so any help in weeding them out would be great! :3 Well, hope you enjoy...
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Personally I didn't find any grammatical or spelling errors or any of that technical stuff, but i did have a problem with the ideas you're throwing in.
“Colony one?” She muttered under her breath, that couldn’t be right. She had been through information Drones before, on various occasions, and never had there been mention of another colony.
Colony 1? shouldn't people expect there to be a colony 1? i mean... if there's a colony 2 then it's just common sense that there's a colony 1, right?
The screen whined even louder, static reaching a soaring crescendo. Suddenly it died entirely, along with the only light in the cubicle ceiling. Outside, the sharp -plink- of fluorescent lights going out, echoed through the swiftly darkening corridor.
Tanaka stood trembling, as suffocating darkness pressed in. Instinctively she did the one thing she could; shout... “Fracking hell... Somebody... Help!” Frozen panic coursed through her mind, as she reached blindly towards the door. Amidst the confusion she stumbled, and the side of her head struck cold steel with a sickening crack.
I don't get it, what just happened? I mean, there's no need for the electrics to die just because someone accessed an unauthorised file. That's highly inefficient security. Lock the computer down, yes, but don't break the lights as well. If she's been captured by the regime, then send an electric charge through the walls or the computer. Or just put security drones outside the booth.
I like the progression that things are going in. The movement is good. it works. Let's see where it goes.
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Colony 1? shouldn't people expect there to be a colony 1? i mean... if there's a colony 2 then it's just common sense that there's a colony 1, right?
and
I don't get it, what just happened? I mean, there's no need for the electrics to die just because someone accessed an unauthorised file. That's highly inefficient security. Lock the computer down, yes, but don't break the lights as well. If she's been captured by the regime, then send an electric charge through the walls or the computer. Or just put security drones outside the booth.
both will be explained very soon... This was a part where i could see problems arising, and may have to change it later on so that it makes more sense... But both those points will be explained through events soon to happen... i hope :S
And thanks, im glad the movement works... trying to keep a sense of mystery or drama and movement, without rushing the story, and without dragging events on forever, is very hard i find... but yeah... this is a very work-in-progress section, and may need re-writing in certain aspects later on to make more sense perhaps...
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Another chapter boys n' girls! :P Finally got round to bothering to post it...
Chapter 3: Overturned Stones
Jareth stood silently, watching the flickering numbers scroll past as the elevator plunged into the depths of Ruszáyev. Rather close beside him, stood a young Merchant-caste trader. The boy, for he barely looked sixteen, was fidgeting restlessly. Tapping his foot on the steel floor, he constantly glanced up at the flickering display, as the elevator continued on its humming drop.
Jareth turned slightly, to take a proper look at him. His uniform was similar to the kind Julie wore, though lacking the elegant blue-trim, and his dark hair had been cut brutally short. Thin beads of perspiration ran down his forehead, as he held tightly to a sheaf of papers.
“First day on the job, kid?” The abrupt question startled the trader, causing him to promptly drop the papers he had been holding. Not being un-kind person, Jareth stooped down to help gather the sheets up. After several moments of scrambling around their knees and cursing, the last fluttering page was snatched up by the trader. Standing back up, and handing over the papers he had caught, Jareth grimaced apologetically. The humming of the lift suddenly stopped, and a cheerfully tinny voice chimed in.
“Welcome to Engineer bay #32, level minus -6000 of the upper sector. Have a productive day, citizens...” The door slid open with a hiss, and the trader stepped out hurriedly, leaving Jareth alone in the elevator. He sighed, watching the youngster start to hesitantly walk left, towards the canteens.
“Citizen Jareth, could you please vacate the elevator... The Regime is sure you have great work to attend to!” The elevator had chimed in again; Jareth could have sworn they were overly optimistic on purpose. He sighed and stepped out into the empty corridor beyond, just in time to see the trader walking away, now in the completely opposite direction. He was muttering under his breath, glancing at the sprawling maps of the lower sector.
Jareth couldn’t help but smile in amusement, as he muttered to himself “We’ve all been there... The Kid’s gonna be fine.” He stopped abruptly, looking down. A single sheet of paper lay alone on the cold steel floor. He looked back up, but the trader had already disappeared. Running a hand through his still tangled hair, Jareth groaned under his breath “Bugger it, stupid conscience.” With that he snatched the paper up, and started to run.
Oookay... yeah, start to another chapter.... tell me what you think... Also, attached another screenshot of the word.doc version for anyone who is interested... again, these images/decoration stuff i do purely for fun, and cos i enjoy graphic design type work ;) Also, main reason why its been a while between this and the last update, is because i needed time to write more :3
[attachment deleted by admin]
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I've got to be honest with you, I didn't like this bit. Not because of any technical issue or stylistic choice... just that kid. I don't like that kid. He's a bit of a raging cliché.
He gets startled by someone saying hello
He drops his schoolbooks... or in this case, papers... and someone more confident and socially capable helps him pick them up.
He even does the whole exit right and then seconds later exits left thing. It's an old joke that still can be done well, but it's particularly difficult in prose.
I know these are things that many people do in real life (except dropping stuff when someone says Hi. I've never seen anyone actually do that,) but it's like a scene out of a stereotypical high school sitcom, or perhaps the weak and pathetic protagonist of some stereotypical anime. I don't like this kid.
Maybe I'm judging him way too early though. I mean, he's only just been introduced. I don't know what will happen next with him... but that said, first impressions are painfully important.
As for the regular issues and mistakes that aren't major but are useful to know about, here are my notes:
The boy, for he barely looked sixteen, was fidgeting restlessly. Tapping his foot on the steel floor
That should be one sentence
he constantly glanced up at the flickering display
You already said it was flickering before.
After several moments of scrambling around their knees and cursing
Sounds like they're both cursing, when really it should just be the boy.
Standing back up, and handing over the papers he had caught, Jareth grimaced apologetically
You can totally write that in a more fluid manner.
Jareth grimaced an apology, and stood up, handing the papers back.
The humming of the lift suddenly stopped
Well it didn't suddenly stop. It stopped as intended. Suddenly sounds like a surprise stop.
level minus -6000
level minus minus 6000?
Jareth could have sworn they were overly optimistic on purpose
Well obviously.
Anyway, work hard and please please please try to avoid a cliché
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Its funny how all you sometimes need is for someone else to take a look at your work, and point out the problems... Now that youve explained it to me, i really do see what a big cliché it is..... Methinks this section needs a re-write ;)
Oh also:
level minus minus 6000?
Yeah... The entire city is underground (or at least mos of it is)... I should have posted it earlier, but it totally slipped my mind :/
Remember where i had that section shoved in the middle of a chapter? Well i decided that it did indeed stick out like a sore thumb, and so tried to re-write it just so that at least it wasnt so bad:
Footsteps reverberating on the steel flooring, he weaved between workers, quickly catching up with his group of engineers. The rearmost two greeted him with a friendly “Good morning, Chief” as they walked through a pair of steel bulkhead doors.
Ruszáyev was Jareth’s birth place, and assumedly, it would be his death place too. The colossal structure stretched down into stone and earth like a vast, upside-down steel pyramid. Its tiered levels incorporating munitions and supply factories, as well as miles wide Engineer-bays. <-- The Re-written part
The bay which Jareth was supervising at present did not repair mining machinery; but instead had the privileged job of repairing drones used by the military caste. These where the automated defence force of the Regime, and had to be constantly renovated to ensure the safety of the Colony. The engineering deck was unfeasibly vast, full of constant buzzing, shriek of twisted metal and cascades of sparks. Immense fluorescent light strips hummed overhead, set into the cavernous ceiling.
I'm not sure if that is any better, and i am probably going to go back and try to re-write it again... but i feel it is at least marginally better than having the big block of information shoved in... This was the reader gets some background information, without it slowing the story up... hopefully :S
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Sprinkling exposition over a wide area is a good idea, but that particular point is very... odd. The first paragraph is rather close up and personal, and then suddenly jumps to the idea of a massive city, and then suddenly jumps right back to the personal again. It's a bit jarring. Like a splinter on a smooth piece of wood.
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Ookay, while i was away in Slovakia (And during the time ive been back) I've spent quite a bit of time on planning this story.... I have written some more, gone back and edited and re-edited, but mostly it has been planning for the overall storyline...
Anyway... Yes, a story line... Ive got a much better one planned out now, which only required some minor tweaking and stuff throughout what ive written...
So, update tiem... This section, in a state of re-writing... Hope you enjoy :P
Chapter 3: Overturned Stones
Jareth stood silently, watching the flickering numbers scroll past as the elevator plunged into the depths of Ruszáyev. Rather close beside him, stood a young Merchant-caste trader. The boy, for he barely looked sixteen, was fidgeting restlessly, tapping his foot on the steel floor as the elevator continued on its humming drop.
Jareth turned slightly, to take a proper look at him. His uniform was similar to the kind Julie wore, though lacking the elegant blue-trim, and his dark hair had been cut brutally short. Thin beads of perspiration ran down his forehead, as he held tightly to a sheaf of papers.
“First day on the job, kid?” The trader looked up and nodded, clutching the wad of paper to his chest. Jareth leant against the elevator wall, shoving a hand deep into the pocket of his overalls “Running errands down to the lower levels?” The trader nodded again, a silence awkwardly filling the cramped space between them.
The flickering display above the door started to slow down, cycling past level -5600 as the elevator continued to drop further into the underground city. Jareth glanced up at it and then back to the trader; clearing his throat he reached a hand out to him. The trader hesitated, looking down at it as if Jareth was proffering him a live snake. After a pause and moment of rustling, the Trader transferred the papers to one hand and shook Jareth’s in return. Jareth nodded as he released the Trader’s sweaty palm “Chief Jareth... If you need any help finding your way, don’t hesitate to ask.”
With a hasty nod of the head in return, the Trader looked back up at the elevator display. It was flicking through the -5800’s, and a slight swooping sensation in Jareth’s stomach told him they were slowing down rapidly. He cleared his throat again, awkwardly tapping a finger on his belt “So... Mind telling me your name, kid?”
The Trader looked back to Jareth, mumbling “Ivan, Sir.” Jareth nodded, discreetly taking a closer look at the stack of papers that Ivan clutched so tightly. Emblazoned across the topmost page was an official-looking heading, followed by an illegible series of barcodes and figures: ‘J.K Dealership Request-URGENT’. Jareth ran a hand across his unshaven chin as he read, turning it into a casual scratch at his neck at the last minute. He looked quickly up again, meeting Ivan’s light blue eyes and nodded “Good name.”
The display finally stopped, accompanied by a slight shudder underfoot. Level -6000 flashed vividly on the screen as a tinny voice chimed in “Welcome to Engineer bay #32, level minus 6000 of the upper sector. Have a productive day, citizens...” The door slid open with a hiss, and the trader stepped out hurriedly, leaving Jareth alone in the elevator. He sighed, watching Ivan hesitantly walk left, towards the canteens.
Jareth remained, leaning against the brushed-steel elevator wall. He smirked to himself, watching the spot where the young trader had stood. “Citizen Jareth, could you please vacate the elevator... The Regime is sure you have great work to attend to!” The elevator had chimed in again, shattering Jareth’s silent contemplation. Heaving a sigh he stepped out into the empty corridor beyond, just in time to see Ivan stop beside a sprawling map of the lower sector.
The diagram was vast, stretching the length of one corridor wall-panel, and seemingly made to be as obscure and complex as possible. A maze of colour coded corridors, access shafts and elevators was printed onto a sturdy pane of off-white plastic, lit up from behind by florescent light. Ivan traced a route with his finger down one green line, branching off into a yellow sub-line, before joining a thick red line.
There were three red corridors, that all lead to a central column of elevator shafts. If viewed from a distance as Jareth could see now, the lower sector looked like a huge spoked wheel, with all the lines eventually congregating at one innermost circle. Apparently satisfied with the path he had chosen, Ivan stepped away from the map and started back down the corridor. He knocked into Jareth, despite the wideness of the corridor, mumbling a distracted apology as he went.
Jareth couldn’t help but smile in amusement, as he watched Ivan dodge haphazardly between two engineers. He shook his head, muttering “We’ve all been there...” He started to walk the opposite way to Ivan, but stopped abruptly, looking down. A single sheet of paper lay alone on the cold steel floor, the same bold heading staring up at him. He looked back up, but Ivan had already disappeared. Running a hand through his still tangled hair, Jareth groaned under his breath “Bugger it, stupid conscience.” With that he snatched the paper up, and started to run.
Okay, hopefully that is better than what it was before.... As always with my work, it needs all the little bumps and problems ironed out.... SO on to Editing!
As always, comments, feedback, critique, even just saying 'Woot, awesome story' is really helpfull :P
Oh, and I'm gonna be posting up any areas that had a major edit/tweaking... In all honesty so many little changes have been made throughout, that i cant show them all, so i'l just put up any important ones :3
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Honestly, I think you should focus on getting the story finished first, then go back and tweak it like crazy. That's what I do... anyway as for the story, it's a lot better than it was before, and there are some nice little touches (like the way he sneaked a look at the papers.) Honestly there's not much that jumped out at me as bad form, except for that last two words of dialogue, "stupid conscience." It doesn't need to be said.
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Thanks for the advice Asia, especially about focusing on finishing rather than dithering about with details (shows just how easily distracted i am ;) )
Well i'm glad it works better than before, and that not much jumped out as being badly written or incorrect... So yeah, I'l post up the next section whenever i can...
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Oookay.... Imha post this up now, before i fall asleep *yawn* next instalment of mah novel...
A wave of warmth and laughter washed over Jareth, as he stepped into the engineers’ mess hall. The overcrowded room was filled with miscellaneous pieces of furniture, several large tables occupied the centre, and even a pair of steel-framed bunk-beds had been pushed up against one wall. Every available space was occupied by an engineer, and both bunks were crowded with men and women.
Jareth strode through the mass of people, replying to the occasional waves and salutes. Walking up to one of the less crowded tables, Jareth was met with a hearty cheer by the engineers sat around it. Several dog-eared cards were thrown down onto the table before him, as he pulled up a seat. The dealer, a ruddy-faced man, greeted Jareth with a wide grin “Where have you been? I told the guys to wait up for you... but you know how they are with waiting, when it comes to a game of Red Diamonds!” He laughed, and everyone around the table joined in.
Jareth sighed, already palming the octagonal cards and reached for a glass of clear liquid “Oh, just delivering memos. A Chief’s paperwork is never done, it seems...” He knocked back half the glass, and grimaced “...Then some merchant-caste kid went and dropped some important papers. I spent half an hour trying to find him.” He leant back in his seat, drawing a card from the deck.
The dealer laughed again “Oh Jareth. You do have a soft spot for the young ones don’t you! If it had been me...” He leant in across the table, as if about to confide a deep secret “...I would have just dumped the papers in the nearest incinerator chute. Ask him to file that!” The engineers around the table snorted with laughter, all except Jareth.
The dealer continued, throwing down a card onto the pile in the centre “Oh I jest Jareth. But for instance, just the other day I was talking to a friend of mine. When that young thing you have an eye for, Tanaka, was brought up in our conversation...” A tense silence swept round the table, as the dealer paused to re-fill his glass from a tall bottle of opaque green-glass. He continued, as the engineer to the left of Jareth drew a card and then placed down two pairs from his hand “...From what I was told, she’s a right beauty!” He laughed again, wiping a tear from his flushed cheek. This time however, he was the only one laughing at the table.
Jareth scowled, clenching his cards tightly “Is that so? Well you can tell that friend of yours, he’s deeply mistaken.” Jareth threw all his cards down, tersely draining the rest of his drink “Full diamonds, this round goes to me gents.”
"Yup... Not much to say here.. Continuing the story, more exciting stuff to come though (I actually have written several more pages, but i always make sure to keep ahead with what i've written, compared to what i've posted... makes me feel like im ahead of schedule and doing well ;) )
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I don't really get this bit. It's kinda hard to follow.
Why does Jareth get so upset? Why is everyone so tense?
Also, I can't place the voice of the dealer guy. I expect him to be a bit more working class and then he comes out with "I jest". Also,
From what I was told, she’s a right beauty
What is that supposed to mean? I don't understand.
Oh yeah, and hold back on the exclamation points.
but you know how they are with waiting, when it comes to a game of Red Diamonds!
This bit almost felt a bit panto to me.
I mean, there's not much technically wrong with the writing... this is all more subjective stuff. More about my own opinion of this particular section. I'm just a bit lost with it
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Y'see, this is why it really helps posting here and having someone else read my work through... Though at the time I may understand what ive written, that doesnt mean other people will :S
Okay, I'l see what I can do about clearing any problems up....
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I like this part. It attempts to pencil in character subconscious. ;) Good job. I'm going to dissect yours like I do mine...if you don't want me to do this much technicality I'll stop, but it's not me trying to be mean. It's just all the little things I would check on if it were my writing. Overall and plot-wise, this bit is solid.
A wave of warmth and laughter washed over Jareth, as he stepped into the engineers’ mess hall.
No comma needed...
but you know how they are with waiting, when it comes to a game of Red Diamonds!”
I personally would either leave out the comma or choose one or the other. Either:
"you know how they are with waiting" OR "you know how they are when it comes it a game of Red Diamonds!"
This time however, he was the only one laughing at the table.
The phrase 'the table' is used too often. By the time the game starts up, the reader gets that Jareth is at a table. It's tempting to constantly want to establish place so you can ensure that your readers definitely for sure know where they are, but it is also a good thing to avoid. Just leave 'at the table' out.
“Is that so? Well you can tell that friend of yours, he’s deeply mistaken.”
Though I get he's upset that he's being picked on, this is almost like saying Jareth doesn't think Tanaka is pretty. Unless 'she's a right beauty' means something else, it's like the dealer saying: "she's really hot!" and then Jareth saying: "No way. You're wrong." So......he thinks she's ugly? I don't know...it's just that that part confused me a little. Then again, he could be saying that to something totally different that was 'implied,' but, I got confused so I don't know.
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I'm going to dissect yours like I do mine...if you don't want me to do this much technicality I'll stop, but it's not me trying to be mean. It's just all the little things I would check on if it were my writing. Overall and plot-wise, this bit is solid.
Please, go ahead! :P It really helps to have experienced writers help this much ^_^
I understand how that last part could be confusing, so that is definitely needed to be fixed. I'l make other changes to to the other parts you noted, and again thank you :)
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Anytime. ^_^ Sorry I took a bazillion years to get to it though :$ :'( :$....
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Jareth strode through the mass of people, replying to the occasional waves and salutes. Walking up to one of the less crowded tables, he was met with a hearty cheer by the engineers sat around it. Several dog-eared cards were thrown down onto the table before him, as he pulled up a seat. The dealer, a ruddy-faced man, greeted Jareth with a wide grin “Where have you been? I told the guys to wait up for you, but you know how they are when it comes to a game of red diamonds!” He laughed, and everyone around the table joined in with another round of jovial applause and cheering.
Jareth sighed, already palming the octagonal cards and reached for a glass of clear liquid “Just delivering memos. A Chief’s paperwork is never done, it seems...” He knocked back half the glass, and grimaced “...Then some merchant-caste kid went and dropped some important papers. I spent half an hour trying to find him.” He leant back in his seat, drawing a card from the deck.
The dealer laughed again “Oh Jareth. You do have a soft spot for the young ones don’t you. If it had been me...” He leant in across the table, as if about to confide a deep secret “...I would have just dumped the papers in the nearest incinerator chute. Ask him to file that!” The engineers snorted with laughter, all except Jareth.
Throwing a card onto the pile in the centre, the dealer continued “Oh I’m just messin’ with you Jareth. But for instance, just the other day I was talking to a friend of mine. When that young thing you have an eye for, Tanaka, was brought up in our conversation...” A tense silence swept through the group, as every engineer looked furtively between the dealer and Jareth, bated breath waiting.
The dealer drained his glass in one burning gulp, grinning slyly “...From what I was told, she’s quite the pretty one... And if you hadn’t already got ‘er all to yourself, I would’ve given her some very private training myself, if you’re catching my drift here Jareth!” He laughed again, wiping a tear from his flushed cheek. This time however, he was the only one laughing.
Jareth scowled at the dealer, clenching his cards tightly “Is that so?” He tapped the edge of the cards against the steel tabletop, glowering “I never really thought any better of you, but it still disgusts me...” With that he threw all his cards down at once, tersely draining the rest of his drink “Full diamonds, this round goes to me gents.”
Any better? I tried clarifying some parts, and further developing characters and their intentions (including the somewhat pervy Dealer ;) ) Still not sure if this is finished, but hopefully its at least better than what it was...
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but you know how they are with waiting, when it comes to a game of Red Diamonds!
This bit almost felt a bit panto to me
A reckoned both the Dealer and the surrounding Engineers are already pretty sloshed from the shots theyre downing... I tried to imply this by having the dealer as 'ruddy-faced' and the 'jovial applause and cheering'... Hopefully it makes more sense now that i've made some changes... hopefully :S
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Well it's certainly a lot clearer, but could use a bit more scene setting, more description, more atmosphere and imagery.
also noted down some other things:
Several dog-eared cards were thrown down onto the table before him, as he pulled up a seat.
you can get rid of "on the table before him." we already can guess where cadrs would be thrown down.
seems...” He knocked back half the glass, and grimaced “...Then
these elipses arent needed
bated breath waiting
dont need "waiting"
I never really thought any better of you, but it still disgusts me...
now you're over explaining perhaps.
It is better though, but I guess the improvement in one area highlights the faults in others, particularly atmosphere.
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Its like an onion! Peel back one layer and it reveals another whole layer of problems! XP
Not to worry, just requires more patience, time and correction... I shall get this section done properly! *shakes fist in suitably heroic way* :P
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I agree. It is better. :3
There's no real bones to pick with you, but I do suggest that you don't spend too long revising and revising one part. It is better to revise until it makes sense to you, then move on until you've finished the entire novel. If you spend too long on technical details in the rough draft, you'll get lost in them and miss the big picture...the plot.
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Nyah! Its so hard striking that balance, between not revising and checking enough, and perhaps like you said taking too long on trying to sort one section >.<
Anyway... I'm reasonably happy with the section as it is... I'l come back to it later, but for now it works enough to continue the story without being detrimental...
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Generally, I either do no rewrites, or just one rewrite per chapter until I've finished the novel.
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H'okay K'okay... Next section:
Jareth woke with a groan and a throbbing ache between his eyes. A new alarm clock sat beeping on his bedside table, as fluorescent lights overhead burst into life. Reaching out blindly he managed to hit the snooze button. The clock fell silent and he sank back into his pillow, already opening one blood-shot eye.
“Good morning Citizen Jareth, and what a wonderful day it is...” The service-drone whirred, as Jareth pulled back his covers and stood up, ungainly. Pressing the palm of one hand firmly to his forehead, he looked wearily around the tiny steel room. “You arrived very late last night Citizen, the Regime trusts you are rested enough to work at full capacity?”
Jareth nodded “Sure. Just a long game of cards in the mess hall... Be fine in a few moments”. He turned away from the machine, walking unsteadily over to a panel, barely distinguishable from the rest of the steel wall. At a mere touch, it slid open like a concertina, sections folding in on themselves to reveal a deep cabinet. Jareth reached in, pulled out a pair of clean overalls, and slipped one bare leg into them. The drone watched from the corner of the room, its red eye unblinking.
Hopping on one foot, Jareth forced his other leg into the overalls, while simultaneously trying to comb the tangles out of his hair. The Service Drone continued to observe, before whirring again “Citizen, you appear to be having trouble concentrating. The Regime is happy to provide you with stim-tablets, to ensure you are fully prepared for work...” As it spoke, a thin metal tray extended from the Drone’s side. On it sat a small pair of glossy-red pills, each imprinted with a letter S. The machine whirred again, this time with a crackling and tinny melodious tone “Two Stims a day, keeps the exhaustion away!”
"I'm such a slow writer >.< Seeing as this is really just a 'pet project' I've been working on during spare time, the actual writing of it isnt very fast or regular...
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Another day, another alarm clock. not much story to speak of here, aside from the drug thing which I talk about in my notes below:
A new alarm clock sat beeping on his bedside table
A better word than beeping can be used... something harsh and headache inducing... like Shrieking
Reaching out blindly he managed to hit the snooze button.
blindly is a... easy, clumsy word. It could be said better... like "He made a blind reach for it, managing to slap the snooze."
already opening one blood-shot
What do you mean already? Waking up means opening eyes, so people would expect him to at least open one of them by this point.
as Jareth pulled back his covers and stood up
careful with the word "as". There's no real connection between him standing up and the drone talking, and it isn't necessarily at exactly the same time. It doesn't NEED to be in there.
wearily around
adverbs are easy and promote lazy style.
walking unsteadily
try to think of one word that could replace that phrase
I'm not sure about this whole drug taking thing. Do they really want their populace to use potentially harmful drugs, thereby causing damage that would affect that worker later in life, shortening their working life and damaging their ability to function? Not to mention the cost of the drug itself, if they're giving it out for free. If they're really that focused on getting people to work in an optimal manner, then they could really impose a curfew to stop this sort of behaviour.
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Okay, thank you again Asia... Your notes really help a lot with improving my work :)
Anyway, as for the drugs. You make a valid point,that I hadn't actually thought of, in that why bother trying to sort a problem after its already happened, when you can cut it off at the bud? (eg. place a curfew to stop workers not getting enough sleep in the first place)...
To that end, I do feel it needs changing. It isnt a major part of the plot or story, and so changing it so wont effect the story as a whole... In fact, a curfew of kinds would fit better with the whole 'Regime' theme...
Again, thanks for the help :P
Post Merge: September 12, 2010, 11:35:47 AM
Jareth woke with a groan and a throbbing ache between his eyes. A new alarm clock sat shrieking on his bedside table, as fluorescent lights overhead burst into life. He made a blind reach for it, managing to slap the snooze button. The clock fell silent and he sank back into his pillow, opening one blood-shot eye.
“Good morning Citizen Jareth, and what a wonderful day it is...” The service-drone whirred, talking in the same monotonous tone. Jareth pulled back his covers and stood up, ungainly. Pressing the palm of one hand firmly to his forehead, he looked around the tiny steel room with weary resignation. “You arrived very late last night Citizen, after curfew hours. You’re Rank entrusts you with a pass-card, but the Regime would hope you try and rest enough to work at full capacity.”
Jareth nodded “Sure. Just had a lot of... paperwork that needed finishing. Be fine in a few moments”. He turned away from the machine and stumbled over to a panel, barely distinguishable from the rest of the steel wall. At a mere touch, it slid open like a concertina, sections folding in on themselves to reveal a deep cabinet. Jareth reached in, pulled out a pair of clean overalls, and slipped one bare leg into them. The drone watched from the corner of the room, its red eye unblinking.
Hopping on one foot, Jareth forced his other leg into the overalls, while simultaneously trying to comb the tangles out of his hair. The Service Drone continued to observe, before whirring again “Citizen, you appear to be having trouble concentrating. The Regime insists that after today’s working hours you ensure early rest, regardless of additional paperwork. I have informed the system to de-activate your curfew pass-card for the duration of tonight.” Not looking up, Jareth pulled on a pair of heavily scuffed boots. He drew a sigh, now buckling up a wide belt of various pouches and tools.
Once Jareth was finally dressed, the Drone whirred one last time “The Regime is very pleased to see you are applying yourself so thoroughly to work. Have a nice day, Citizen.” Jareth nodded a distracted goodbye to the automaton and strode over to the door. It opened with a hiss, and he walked out, joining a crowd of people in the narrow corridor beyond.
Hopefully this is better, a curfew makes more sense for an all-controlling Regime :P
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It's better but, if the curfew's in place, how did he stay out late the night before? why is he tired if the curfew was supposed to enforce him to return to his room and sleep?
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I guess I didnt explain it well enough... Or it wasnt obvious enough to the reader :/
Basically, some of the citizens who are higher rank have access to Pass-cards, allowing them to stay out after curfew (anyone found out after curfew is required to show a valid pass-card or else be detained)... It will have a very direct effect later on in the story (namely the fact that Jareth's pass-card is not going to be valid tonight...
Maybe I should try to explain that more clearly in this section... Although I'm not too sure how I could do it...
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It needs to be meantion way earlier in the story
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Check.... Its times like these I wish I was more organised... Anyway, time to see where I can introduce it earlier on then...