A hand groped for the alarm and, when it failed to hit the snooze button, retreated back into the covers of the bed.Body parts acting of their own accord. i know that's an exaggeration on my part, but basically there's no need for it and to some it can conjure strange images. Personally I think you could just say that 'insert description of man' reached out from under the covers, groping for the alarm.
A repetitive beeping broke through hazy dreamsbeeping broke through hazy dreams
The monotonous and flat voice of a service-droneThe monotonous service drone
The drone was of an old series, box shaped. With a single bright red photoceptor ‘eye’ set at head levelThe drone looked like an old metal box with a red photoceptor 'eye.
it winked into beingit winked
he looked around the brightly lit room, slightly dazed and still half asleephe looked around, slightly dazed and half asleep
Shuttupshut up (it's unnecessary to write it that way, since it doesn't change much to the actual delivery.)
No, no, no. I know where I am you stupid drone... I was just talking to myself, you useless piece of scrap...No, no, no. I know where I am you stupid drone... I was just talking to myself
The drone ignored the complaints and continued its explanationthe drone continued its explanation
Jareth groaned again, looking from the drone to the shrill beeping alarm clockJareth groaned again, looking between it and the shrill alarm clock
---Regime Information Drone, Query: Level -6000, City Vespa---
Level -6000 of the lower sector is an engineer bay, a constantly running repair and assembly line for the two hundred thousand drones in Vespa alone. The city itself is a huge upside-down pyramid structure, stretching several hundred miles across at the surface, and even further underground. The whole thing is maintained, built and repaired by teams of drones, each with a specific task built into them. They never grow tired, never grow bored and never question their orders.
Colony 2 was set up as a mining station. The first city was created to dig down deep into the planets stone and earth. To retrieve and refine the most valuable element known to the regime: Tethium.
---Link to information file: Tethium---
---Link to information file: The almighty Regime---
---End Query: ---
Ten minutes later and Jareth was in a service elevator, rattling and hissing all the way down to level -6,000 of the lower sector.Is he the one rattling and hissing? that's rather strange behaviour :P kidding, but yeah clarity required. Also, the mention of time, and clocks just before that might make people think time is particularly important. but that's your choice.
The elevator which was roughly ten metres squaredfirst off, that elevator's HUGE! secondly, why does it matter what size the elevator is?
all wearing the basic uniform of oil stained and grey jumpsuits.That sounds like being oil stained is part of the uniform, as though it is manufactured with oil stains already on it.
Jareth was similarly clothed, with the exception of chevrons on his shoulders, and an officer’s cap with fold-down headset. All of this denoted him as a head engineer of the second colony.this is totally overwrought and overdone. It needs trimming. Also, do engineers normally have chevrons denoting rank? and wouldn't a hard hat be more useful than an officer's hat? It seems very military to me.
A dark haired engineer sidled over to him,You can say her name, you know, also, since everyone is an engineer in there, it's best to say her gender instead. Also, anything particularly identifiable about aside from the fact of dark hair? tall? short? elfin, ogre-ish?
general look of fatigue...show don't tell, what does a general look of fatigue look like?
pasted across a set of fire-safety instructionsisn't covering safety instructions rather dangerous? Health and safety should be priority for engineers.
crimsonis a word used by children who want to look like writers. It's clumsy, cliche and way too rich and chewy. I normally avoid it at all costs unless i can properly, confidently use it right. I've never seen anyone use it right.
dusty and windswept planet obscured by clouds of reddish dusta dusty planet obscured by dust? don't use the same word twice in a sentence... or in adjacent sentences
Shaking his head silentlyhead shaking almost never makes noise anyway
---Regime Information Drone, Query: Level -6000, City Vespa---This is essentially a cute way of doing an exposition dump. Exposition dumps in general should be avoided, but if you seperate it adequately from the main story, and clean up the language, making it more official and glossy, then it might work. Have you played Mass Effect? because that does a similar thing. The Codex in that is basically an exposition machine, a lore provider. Bioware seperated that from the main game, it's accessed through the menu screen, so that you can access it easily, but also so it doesnt sit in the narrative like some kind of troll under a bridge, demanding you read it before you can pass. Basically, what I'm saying is that, you shouldn't just drop it randomnly in the middle of chapters, disrupting the flow and confusing the reader. You either put it at the front or back of the tale, or you put it in a seperate section at the end of, or between, chapters.
Level -6000 of the lower sector is an engineer bay, a constantly running repair and assembly line for the two hundred thousand drones in Vespa alone. The city itself is a huge upside-down pyramid structure, stretching several hundred miles across at the surface, and even further underground. The whole thing is maintained, built and repaired by teams of drones, each with a specific task built into them. They never grow tired, never grow bored and never question their orders.
Colony 2 was set up as a mining station. The first city was created to dig down deep into the planets stone and earth. To retrieve and refine the most valuable element known to the regime: Tethium.
---Link to information file: Tethium---
---Link to information file: The almighty Regime---
---End Query: ---
Is he the one rattling and hissing? that's rather strange behaviour kidding, but yeah clarity required.
First off, that elevator's HUGE! secondly, why does it matter what size the elevator is?
That sounds like being oil stained is part of the uniform, as though it is manufactured with oil stains already on it.I see what you mean, i'l change it so it reads#: "uniform of grey jumpsuits, many where covered in oil stains and grease" ... or somthing of that nature....
his is totally overwrought and overdone. It needs trimming. Also, do engineers normally have chevrons denoting rank? and wouldn't a hard hat be more useful than an officer's hat? It seems very military to me.Yeah, it's just one big sentence that's quite a mouthfull, i'l trim and simplify it so that it reads more easily... and yeah, it is a bit miltaristic, and thats what i wanted... i wanted the whole colony to have a very militarised feel about it, with the mentions of The Regime and a ranking system even in the engineer section...
"We have a quota to reach here today boys and girls..."too many words
The particular bay which Jareth was headed to did not repair civilian or service machinery; but the drones used by the Regime’s military castewhat does the place look like? We need an establishing shot.
loomed ominouslydon't say it's ominous, make it feel ominous
loomed ominouslyagain?
stretched up into gloomy shadowstretched up into the gloom
he knew the consequences of breaking the caste laws.then why was he so surprised at the punishment?
Not that, anything but that!woah, careful on the cliché, though that said, moments of intense fear lend themselves terribly to cliché. It's a problem most writers struggle with.
oah, careful on the cliché, though that said, moments of intense fear lend themselves terribly to cliché. It's a problem most writers struggle with.I would have to definitely agree, in all my time writing short stories, extreme fear is quite hard for me to write effectively :/
I don't think that's enough for a full chapter. Nothing really happened. you should probably write about the two people meeting up, and the secrecy of it all.Yeah... that would definitely be a good thing to develop... Imha get right on it ;)
All in all, there's some good ideas there, and the writing works to some degree despite mistakes. Nice oneThanks, your comments and advice on how to improve continue to help very much :P