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Creative Arts and Media => Creative Writing => Topic started by: x on April 25, 2010, 04:07:10 AM

Title: Love Poem (aka. Untitled)
Post by: x on April 25, 2010, 04:07:10 AM

A love poem I wrote for someone, not saying who. What do you guys think? Crit is okay, though kinda not looking for it because this was from my heart and therefore I'm not revising it anytime soon.

When I dream
The silken trees bow but the winds quiet
When I dream of you
Everyone sings out but the world goes silent

There like a phantom
Like a beautiful, tainted, unreachable phantasm

Reach out your hand
Let me touch you…
For I can make you warm,
warm in a world of cold, of hate, of fear.

In a mist of darkness rising from the pier, it isn’t clear

How this relates to that
How I can love someone who isn’t

There.

Title: Re: Love Poem (aka. Untitled)
Post by: Asia Kali Yusufzai on April 25, 2010, 02:31:14 PM

ooooh nice. I like that, it's certainly better than the average. Some good ideas, and a great ending three lines.
good job.

Title: Re: Love Poem (aka. Untitled)
Post by: x on April 26, 2010, 01:20:51 PM

Thanks sooo much, Asia. My man liked it so guess I succeeded.  B)

Title: Re: Love Poem (aka. Untitled)
Post by: Asia Kali Yusufzai on April 26, 2010, 02:03:24 PM

good on ya :3

Title: Re: Love Poem (aka. Untitled)
Post by: Rilin on April 26, 2010, 07:15:32 PM

Ooh my, I love this! It's very touching.  ^_^ Your man is a lucky one. :D

Title: Re: Love Poem (aka. Untitled)
Post by: White Wolf Guardian on April 26, 2010, 09:47:58 PM

Yes your man is very lucky <3, I lurves it too. My favorite part is:

There like a phantom
Like a beautiful, tainted, unreachable phantasm

That similarity you used with phantom and phantasm was soooo cool.