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Creative Arts and Media => Creative Writing => Topic started by: Dr. Strange on April 08, 2010, 12:09:07 AM

Title: More Bad Luck (Saphra's Tale)
Post by: Dr. Strange on April 08, 2010, 12:09:07 AM
The phone shrieked insistently and finally the black and purple cougar picked it up, crossing her fingers. The voice whispering over the line bore into her ear as she blinked in surprise, tears welling in her eyes. She shook her head animatedly, even though the fur on the other side couldn't see her and uncrossed her fingers. After a few minutes of quiet conversation, she replaced the receiver on the base and sank into a chair, shaking slightly as a small dog furry walked into the kitchen. Her eyes regarded the floor sadly.

"Stitch? You ok?" He asked, voice cracking a bit.

"Hm...? Oh... Yeah..., I'm fine..." She murmured distractedly, standing up with shaky legs, tail twitching near her thigh.

"You sure..? .......... Ok... Nevermind.." Her brother replied after seeing the look on her face. His face drooped and he turned away, disappearing back upstairs.

As if I didn't have enough to deal with... She thought. But that's unfair to Aunt Jeanie.... So stop bein' a jerk an' go see what needs to be done. Mama needs me.

Shaking her head at the bad luck she got, Saphra padded out of the tiled kitchen and into the living room to clean off the plywood floor with a heaved sigh. Her tail drooped lower when she heard her mothers' car in the driveway. As she straightened up, her mother, a pretty African lion, pushed open the door and walked into the kitchen with a red face. Saphra bit her lip worriedly and followed her, waiting for the tears to start flowing. Her thoughts flew inside her head, twisting and swirling together in useless messes as she stepped close to her mother and listened intently; nodding or shaking her head as was required, still numb from finding out.

The sound of the front door opening and closing made her turn her head and she smiled slightly at her best friend walking in. Shaking her head a little, she pointed to a chair and turned back to her mother, unsure what to say.
Title: Re: More Bad Luck (Saphra's Tale)
Post by: Moongaze on April 08, 2010, 02:04:53 AM
Hmmm...  Ideas are good.  However...  I'm having trouble on a few grounds:

Your choice of words in some places, and your transitions.

I had a bit of difficulty understanding the beginning...  But as i continued things started to add up.  My advice, the beginning could be a bit smoother.

Other than that the structure was good.  There were a few awkward word choices and some rough transition.  If you read through it again I'm sure you can pick up in what I'm talking about.  Simple stuff. 

Good job.  I look forward to more. :)
Title: Re: More Bad Luck (Saphra's Tale)
Post by: Dr. Strange on April 08, 2010, 02:10:06 AM
I can see what you mean. Thanks for pointing them out. I'll try to smooth it over a bit better. :)