The Furry Forums
Creative Arts and Media => Creative Writing => Topic started by: Harlequin_Felis on March 13, 2010, 01:34:17 AM
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I'm always scribbling down pieces of prose and stories whenever they pop into my head...
Here's a couple I still have ready to hand (by which I mean I slipped on the paper they were written on when I got out of bed. My bedroom flor is a very complicated filing system - that'smy excuse and I'm sticking to it :P )
Blank Slate
I'd like to take a moment, if I may
And this opportunity to set things straight
Please, I ask you hear what I have to say
For this is my new beginning - a blank slate
Those of you who've injured me
In spirit, heart or beat me bloody
And those of you I've wronged in turn
With word, action or thoughtless spurn
I offer up no apologies
And I do not seek any in kind
I wish not to dwell on those memories
They leave a bad taste in the mouth, you'll find
Instead I opt to forget, consign these events to the flame
And start once more with a blank slate - I can but hope you'll do the same
Gunslinger
Stepping forward,I saw the back of my head
Turned 'round, came face to face instead
With a man of darkness
A heart full of lead
And I knew then it was evil upon which I fed
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I really like that Gunslinger Idea. That's reaeeaally good and strong image.
But... rhymes. Rhymes are tricky things because if you struggle to get them to work then the poem suffers heavily. But if you get it right, you can get something flowing wonderfully. Your poems suffer from forced and obvious rhyme.
There's also some irrelevant lines such as the first one on Blank Slate.
"I'd like to take a moment, if I may"
... you kinda already have my moment and you're using it up with stating the obvious. Not needed.
But yeah, this isnt bad and the ideas are there. Strong ideas, good ideas. keep working.
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I like them both. I see the, "I'd like to take a moment if I may..." as a hookline. Not the greatest... But if someone is reading a work it's only obvious you have their attention. But how long into the poem before the reader doses off failing to understand what is being read?
The Gunslinger... I liked that. There was a rhythmic pulse to that one. Me... When I see a rhyme scheme I set a beat in my head and continue reading.
I'll have read over both again to get a good critique... But all in all nice work!
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Yeah, I do kinda have that problem when I'm making something longer - the rhyming sounds forced... Then again, I've never had a good sense of rhythm (you should have heard me at cello lessons years ago :P )
Because two wrongs make a right, here's a haiku.
Haiku's are easy
But sometimes, do not make sense
Refrigerator
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Now THAT is a poem I really like. Nice one