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Creative Arts and Media => Creative Writing => Topic started by: WolfCubLorent on February 24, 2010, 01:31:00 PM

Title: Brother At War
Post by: WolfCubLorent on February 24, 2010, 01:31:00 PM
-Reality-
"Brother At War" By: Lorent K. Cub
No more laughter no more playing
My memories still capture what you were saying

No one can take your place, no one can fill this gap
Everywhere I see your face, emotions unfold and over lap

Suppressed anger and jealousy, rising feelings wantingly
Hearts in danger with agony, thinking stealing stupidly

Into trouble no more, without you something’s sore
Seeking you out once more, finding nothing but a hallow core

Used to argue used to fight, testing each other with all our might
With you bro it’s alright, now you’re gone and out of sight

Empty room every night, funny times wrestling on your bed
Holding on very tight, never cleaning your room but sleeping instead
To this war you had fled, sickened dreams of a body dead

Knowing you’ll be back this December, never forget to always remember

It’ll be fine it’ll be okay
One time your shot that day

Can not deny what I feel
Can not comply have to deal

Now you’re working your way through your life
Just the thought of you at war gives me strife

Getting tough and growing in mind
It is rough but it’s what you decide

Honor your words and Marine vows
Goner at first but surviving now
Imprisoned with your choice and to up hold your bow

Depressed with no voice I get lonely and bored
You would fight till the death and stengthen by your sword

Can’t wait till you get back and see you again
Probably buff with a six pack to no knee to you descend

Staying for a while, though staying forever I’d rather
Lying in a pile my emotions do gather

Hanging out a little bit and playing a few games
Never do you belittle it, my thought of loving when it rains

Leave once more back to thinking and trying to have faith
Believe in your war, have fun bro and be safe

This lover of the Marine Core is my brother at war…
Title: Re: Brother At War
Post by: Asia Kali Yusufzai on February 26, 2010, 10:39:21 PM
the idea is certainly solid, but as seems normal with you, there are misspellings and clumsy rhymes.

At it's base value it is good, but it feels clumsy, like a crumbling building.