The Furry Forums
Creative Arts and Media => Creative Writing => Topic started by: Wolface on December 17, 2009, 07:28:14 PM
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After hard works at school and lots of agony and ecstasy. (which makes me not able to post here for a long while)
I at last have time to visit and post here once again 'w'
This is my third English poem I ever wrote in my whole life. So, if anyone have any suggestions, please suggest and/or comment for me.
={ You're my love, not lust }=
some say high
some say low
some say lust
but love's my show
I don't care the others
I don't care what they say
Wasn't it just us?
Just one word you say
You know... You are the world
without you I'll just decay
ps. sorry for foul grammars and punctuations.
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I like the brevity of it, and actually I do think it would work better if you take out the middle four lines. It keeps a heavy high rhythm that works well with the rhymes.
Good job.
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Thanks a lot Bunny :3
but by "the middle four lines" did you meant these lines?
"but love's my show
I don't care the others
I don't care what they say
Wasn't it just us?"
If so, It'll be
"some say high
some say low
some say lust
just one word you say
You know... You are the world
without you I'll just decay"
right?
ps. I barely have any knowledge about English poems :P
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actually... only take away the top two of that middle four.
so it'll be
some say high
some say low
some say lust
I don't care what they say
Wasn't it just us?
just one word you say
You know... You are the world
without you I'll just decay
It needs a bit of fixing to get the rhythm to work, but i think it's better this way. but then that's just my opinion.
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and again, Thank you very much Bunny :)