Emotionally Crippled

[L. Jay Echoes]

I am really, really sad right now. I don't know exactly what to say to describe it, other than any time I try to work up the nerve to join a Discord conversation or contact someone about join a local furmeet, I get incredibly depressed.
 
Let me put it this way: I'm psychologically handicapped in such a way that I cannot connect emotionally with other people. I dread "hanging out" for fun; the only people who I'm able to do this casually are my three siblings. Sometimes I can relax around their friends but ONLY if my brother and sister are present. If I'm out there all alone, I don't have anything to say. The exception is, if it's a classroom-style setting; I have things worth saying in my Sunday school and Bible study classes. I don't run into any communication problems when writing e-mails. But if I have to interact with someone face-to-face with no specific reason to be there, then I have nothing to say.

I hate small talk. I say this all over my website profiles, but I need somebody to directly address it. Does anyone ever give an honest answer to the question, "How's it going?" All I hear whenever somebody asks that question is "It's you're responsibility to start the conversation," or even "Tell me what I want to hear."

I understand that my dislike of light conversation is on me. I'm not disowning anything. I know that there will be people who will read this and roll their eyes and think, "get some real problems." I need help. I need someone confident enough to guide me through this. haven't had any casual friends in 13 years, largely because my dad has never liked anyone I wanted to be friends with, and he's had to police my social life up to my college years. By then, I realized it wasn't worth it. I couldn't subject the people I liked to my dad's need to be "the boss."

Technically, this shouldn't be a problem. I live alone now,  so my parents are no longer able to "screen" my contacts. But the thing obstructing my social growth is still right there in front of me. I have this overwhelming need to feel safe, to be allowed to rebutt harmful behavior, and I'm not able to do that.

I'd like to talk more about my upbringing. I don't know where to go; I think that counseling has done all the good it's going to do. The crisis hotline is useless; I keep getting this completely apathetic middle-aged woman who just doesn't give a shit. (I know you need to censor that. Go ahead and do what you need to do, but I have to let this out of my system).

Another problem is that all it takes to ruin my day is for somebody to come tell me I'm in violation of the rules. Anything that even remotely feels like a reprimand puts my immune system to a halt. That's all it takes to make the entire day worthless, for the better decision to have been to stay home. And I'll be honest; I enjoy leisure activities moreso when I am by myself. But it's only a matter of time before reality sneaks back in, and I wake up to the fact that I have no close friends, that I live in a world where appearances are more important than intimacy, that the only way to get by in this world is to "fake it until you make it," and then once you've made it, you have to keep faking it.
Thus far in my life, I've actually gone to YouTube channels for affirmation and validation. I know that's not healthy. But the guarantee of agreement is better than the possibility of misunderstanding. I'm very alone now. I suspect that when I start to meet other furs in person, they'll want a fun time. I'm so sick of having to entertain everyone. I really am an entertaining person, but I can only keep it up for so long.  I need actual friends and not an audience. Most of the time, I feel like I'm only performing for other people. I need to resolve this before I can truly enjoy myself.

[White Wolf Guardian]

*Hugs* You know you can talk to me on Discord and I usually come up with things to talk about. I think what you need is someone to talk to. I try to talk to people everyday and it helps me a lot.

[L. Jay Echoes]

Now that I'm in a more peaceful state of mind, I have a clearer view of what's going on. Small things happen to me; individual disruptions in my everyday plans that, by themselves, don't carry much weight, but collectively, they are like a load of gunpowder in an hourglass, and at the base of this hourglass is a weight-operated lighter. When enough gunpowder collects, the lighter ignites it, and... well, you know the rest.


Dunno how clear of an analogy that was, but I think you get the point. I need to drill holes in the proverbial hourglass and shovel out the gunpowder. I'm used to trying to be all chill about things that bother me, in consideration of the person causing the harm. I'm used to my reconciliation amounting to "making a mountain out of a molehill." The feeling doesn't go away. I'm still angry about things that happened years ago.


The other option is that I need somebody to be a metaphorical bomb shelter. I need somebody to stifle the impact of the outbursts that result from these emotional build ups. I know my limits, I know I don't have the strength to suppress my own feelings. I also know my responsibilities. I have to alter my response to the things that bother me. More importantly, though, I need to be quicker to recognize that certain things do, in fact, afflict me emotionally, and sacrifice more time to the recovary process.