"So, anyway, about my life..."

[Bubblegum]

Do you ever get the feeling that a lot of people looking for online friends just want someone to unload on?

Perhaps half the people who add me on instant messengers across the Internet seem a lot less interested in discussing fandom material or common interests than they do venting. They either immediately kick off the conversation with their problems, or show a marked lack of enthusiasm for topics such as technology, recent video game releases, and school, but have a lot to say when the conversation dies down and they see an opportunity to talk about themselves. It ranges from how lonely they are, to how much their job sucks, to how they can't find a pet, to how ugly they are, to how they can't get anyone to respond on a dating site, to how they got kicked out of their favorite chatroom...

I'm all for supporting friends, but... they're not yet my friends, and anyone who only comes to me to unload is no friend of mine. Do they ever think about how the person on the other end feels and what kind of day they might have had, or is it all about their own feelings? I work part-time in addition to attending college at a job that involves other people's problems, and that's in addition to my own problems, my family's problems, and the problems of my close friends.

It's just making me jaded about allowing myself to be "befriended" online and participating in communities beyond posting on forums, because that seems to be code for getting awkwardly dragged into a complete stranger's personal life when I'm trying to relax and eat dinner. What these people need is a therapist, not a friend.

[Armalite_]

I study communications, they vent online as opposed to in person to people they know personally. It's easier to rant to strangers or "friends" online than to pay shrinks hundreds of dollars per hour to talk about stupid/embarrassing subjects that normally people would be too uncomfortable to normally discuss with people they know.

You seem nice, you wouldn't be a bad person to tell them that you don't want to hear them talk about their problems. They may think poorly of you because of that but it honestly isn't your problem and they should know that and understand. But it's the one sided interaction they get from a screen that isn't the same as a person that allows them to show their disinterest and dislike to what you have to talk about instead of what they came online to say, not read.

If you're tired of listening to their problems, tell them. If they don't feel like messaging you anymore, good. It's because they only want to find someone online willing to read it.

[BakaFawkes]

I've been studying psychology for two years and 350 days, and one of the things I've learned from it is everyone has their own way for being social. Some people play around, others do dumb stuff for attention. A common tactic used by many is venting on someone to see if they really are worth befriending. Sure, you shouldn't just whine about misfortune, nor should you judge a friend by his therapeutic skills. But just showing that you can listen is a great way to show off friendship qualities.

[Bubblegum]

I've been studying psychology for two years and 350 days, and one of the things I've learned from it is everyone has their own way for being social. Some people play around, others do dumb stuff for attention. A common tactic used by many is venting on someone to see if they really are worth befriending. Sure, you shouldn't just whine about misfortune, nor should you judge a friend by his therapeutic skills. But just showing that you can listen is a great way to show off friendship qualities.

Advertise bad friendship skills to test people for good friendship skills? How much sense does that make?

Everyone in my social group limits their venting because they know everyone else is dealing with a lot already. We've helped each other through the suicide of mutual friends, divorces, eating disorders, and unemployment, but none of us have ever acted the way these people have. We're adults with full-time jobs, midterms, families, mental illnesses, and misfortunes, and often it's all we can do to manage our own troubles and stress.

One of my friends worked at Planned Parenthood for a couple years where she dealt with the phone lines. She often came home exhausted after a particularly bad day, where she might have spent an hour on the phone with someone sobbing hysterically. It was a deeply rattling job for an empathetic person. Friendship is knowing that a better alternative to unloading on her, even if I'm upset, would be to help both of us distract ourselves and unwind or to let her unload.

Unloading on a stranger is just plain objectifying and rude. It says, "We don't know each other, I don't care what you might be going through, and I'm not even interested in you as a person, but I'd like to take up your time and energy to use you as a means to an end."

I guess I should be looking for people with our way of being social. I don't have enough left at the end of the day for this type.